The pain of never.

My heart skipped a beat. My throat contracted. The fluid left my mouth, and all I could taste was metal.

Why? – I hear you say.

I realised it was nearing the end of July, we were heading into August.

August brings with it a lot of pain. – For me.

It’s a month I would rather skip.

That way I don’t have to feel the pain.

The pain knowing that I will never celebrate your birthday with you.

Knowing I will never tuck you in at night.

Knowing I will never touch you again.

Knowing I will never cry at your 21st.

Knowing I will never see you get married.

Knowing I will never scold you for being a naughty boy.

Knowing I will never tell you things will be alright.

I miss you so much that sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe.

So many silent tears make their way down my cheeks.

August, I don’t want you to arrive.

I don’t want to feel the pain.

About the Author

Kristy Vallely is the founder and Creator of the Imperfect Mum.

Kristy believed there needed to be a place that women could go to. Where they could talk and relate. A place they could feel safe. A place they trusted. So The Imperfect Mum was born in June 2011. There was obviously such a need that when the gates 'opened' a huge flurry of women followed. Kristy has always been very passionate about women and the issues they face.

Her passion and determination has helped her carve out a career helping others and creating 'a go to place' for women from all around the world.

Posted in:  Life Lessons, Loss & Grief, Loss of a Child (My Story)

21 Replies

Kirsty Hellmech

I understand that pain well.. though for me it's January. Big hugs hun.. xo

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks darl, hugs to you for January. Xx

kirri white

I can only imagine Kristy....and it makes me shudder just to do that.
No words, just the hope that you can celebrate his life amidst your grief - even if it is with buckets of salty tears filled with love xx

The Imperfect Mum

Kirri, thank you my beautiful dear friend. Your words mean so much. Xx

Samantha Daniels

Oh Hun :-(....Thinking of you and Sending lots of love and hugs XXXXX

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks darling girl xx

Jane @ Hesitant Housewife

Sending love and strength to you for this difficult month. Sending kisses up to your angel, Happy Birthday ~Titan~ xx

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks Jane xx


Sending, hugs, kisses, love and strength. A pain uncompareable, unimaginable, unfair....thinking of you darlingxx

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks so much Liz xx

nicole merritt

it's November for me! I feel your pain x

The Imperfect Mum

Hugs to you Nicole xx

Terri Davidson

Kirsty I wish there were magic words to say to you right now, but as there are not I send all my love, prayers and positive energy <3
I wish you peace and an August surrounded by love <3

The Imperfect Mum

Thank YOU Terri and sending you love also. Your husband would be a very proud man having a wife as amazing as you are. xx

Teneille Williams

I sit here and cry because I do not know your story but my heart breaks reading the above, I skipped to previous posts and seen your story about Titan <3 I dont know what to say but I am so so sorry. My heart breaks for anyone who has had to deal with this extreme loss. You are such a STRONG, INSPIRATIONAL woman!! I really dont know how some women cope, I like to think of myself as a strong person but I honestly think I would crumble in this situation. Sending so much love and hugs and strength to you at this unbearably hard, emotional time. To a woman I have not met but feel that I know, I wish I could hug you. Much love to you Mumma <3 <3 <3

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks so much Teneille, I really appreciate your beautiful kind words. xx

shontel ashurst

I cannot even begin to imagine, Im sorry.

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you Shontel. xx


I just lost my baby last week. I was 13 weeks and thought everything would be okay as I had a ten week scan (due to spotting) and the baby was perfect. When I went in at 13 weeks and heard those words - there is a problem, there is no hearbeat - it is like my world slowed down. The baby had just passed... around 12.5 weeks... You know that time when you can let everyone know because it is the safe period! I am still blessed with a little boy.. but in some ways I know what was lost because I know how this little thing inside me just burrowed into my heart. I never got to see or hold my baby as my body let me down and I did not deliver. Still I am trying to be strong and heal... but I know the pain will always be there.. I just have to count the blessings that I do have. I know your little man is growing up in spirit around you... he is never far. And my little girl (as I am sure she was) is with me...

The Imperfect Mum

ohhh :( Sending you and your little girl love! XX


August is also our month of pain :-( We lost our first pregnancy, our baby boy Olly at 17 weeks. Two years yesterday, the journey of multiple loss has been a massive learning curve of a ride. We have lived quite isolated and havent had the support of family so we truly appreciate your concept of support for everyone. Bless you for your kindness xox