The moment that you are told, “When your baby is born it will die.”

All I ever wanted was to be a Mum. The day I took the pregnancy test and it came back positive was the best day of my life. I was so happy, I was going to have this baby I had dreamed of for so long… I was just ecstatic!  The pregnancy started out normally - I was very sick and tired (what's to be expected) - until the terrible day in week 6 when I started to bleed.  However, the pregnancy progressed and my body was barely coping – most days I felt like a walking zombie.  I guess my body was trying to tell me something, but unfortunately I wasn’t listening - working 40 hours a week and falling into bed at 5 pm.

At 17 weeks mum had to race me to the hospital.  The shooting pains in my uterus were so severe I could barely walk.  They placed me in the birth suite and left me there for what seemed like hours.  Eventually the pains stopped and they sent me home.

Life went back to normal for a while, until one night when I was 23 weeks pregnant, I started to have contractions.  “I’m contracting” I said to my husband. “How do you know?” he asked. “I just know it’s happening - we need to get to the hospital”…

When we finally arrive at the hospital, the midwives answer my deepest fear. "Yes, you are contracting…How many weeks are you?" My weak voice answers. “23.” "Ohh" they say whilst exchanging looks. “Can you give me a needle or something to stop the contractions?” the words rush out of my mouth... Once again they exchange sad looks. "No Darling…There is nothing we can do"   “What do you mean ‘nothing you can do’?”  I pleaded, “You must be able to do something!"  They just stared back at me with this sad look...

Once again I was left in the birth suite.  A couple of hours later the contractions just stopped.   This went on for 2 days – and those 2 days were living hell – the contractions would start - then stop.  I never thought I would give birth to my beautiful baby boy; I could feel him kick and move around and knew he was so healthy. Thoughts like “Why is this happening……”   “Why me…….”   “What did I do to deserve this?” kept on whirling though my mind.

On my third day in the hospital the contractions got worse - and they were now every 2 minutes.  A midwife came to me and told me that they were taking me to the birth suite again. "Why" I ask.  “Oh… We just need to check everything out…"

Still, after all this time I believed I would get through this. He would be born full term with no complications. But I could not have been more wrong.  They wheeled me to the birth suite with my husband by my side. We walked past a bunch of nurses - their conversation hushed as we walked past and they all turned to look at me with eyes full of pity. “Does someone know something I don't?” I asked myself.

When I arrived at the birth suite, I was greeted by my acupuncturist who had come to give me a session – yet another person with sad eyes.  “Stop looking at me with these sad eyes,” I thought to myself. “I will get through this - I will show you all.....”

She finished her session and left, when the doctor arrived.  "I'm just going to do an internal” she said as she nervously pulled on her gloves.   Afterwards she looked at me sadly and said, “You’re 1 centimetre dilated - you will probably give birth tonight"

No, no, no, no, no, no!” I cry. I turn to look at my husband and tears are streaming down his face.  My mind is screaming, “What have we done to deserve this?”

A beautiful midwife walks into the room. She hugs me and places my hands in hers before saying,

You know… when he is born he will die.

My husband lets out this horrible sound. I turn to look at him. His face is torn - he looks as if someone just pulled out his heart.  I turn back to her, crying and begging, "Won't you try to keep him? Can't we fly somewhere? I don't care how much it costs – he’s our baby - he is our baby!

I can barely breathe..... The room is spinning …. I feel as if outside the room looking in - this can't be me...

“Will he cry?” I ask. “Will he be alive when he is born?”  “He may cry - it depends,” she says.  It feels as though hours go by. The midwife then says, “Who do you want me to ring?”  “My family,” I hear myself say.

They arrive - all of them.  The night turned into day and they were still all there - every single one of them.  After 16 hours of labour, I gave birth to my first baby, with my husband, brother, my sister, my mum, my dad, my mother-in-law and my sister- in-law, all by my side, all crying, all in shock.  Wasn't this meant to be a happy time?

They handed him to me wrapped in a blanket. He was all warm. He was big. He looked like his Dad.

His eyes were closed and I thought he had passed. I turned him over.  I wanted to see every part of him.  I didn't know how long it would be until they took him away so I wanted to imprint every part of him into my brain - my baby boy, my first born.

He then gasped and moved. He took his very first and very last breath.

Till this day I regret that moment.

Why didn't I just cuddle him, hold him, skin to skin, close to my heart and sing a lullaby?

Leaving that hospital was the worst day of my life, I was leaving half of me there, he was my baby and I should have been taking him home not organising his funeral.

He was christened Titan Vallely. He would be 7  now.  The day he died a part of me did too, but another part of me was born.. I was able to write  - not the best writer by any means - but he did give me this gift and I thank him for that.

I am blessed I now have two beautiful children: Maya, his little sister was conceived a year later on his birthday – that exact day I believe he sent her to me…it was actually what got me through the pregnancy with her.. Her little brother, Tex, was born exactly 2.5 years after her.  They are the joys of my life and make me who I am today  - I love them more than anything in this world.

My husband whom I have been with since I was 16 was my rock through this, I don’t think I would have coped if it wasn’t for him. I love him dearly and he is the light at the end of my tunnel.

Thank you for reading Titan's story – it’s his journey that I feel honoured to have shared, I am so lucky he chose me to be his Mum…

I am not alone; there are thousands of families that have gone through the tragic loss of a baby.  If you are one, comment below. I would love to hear from you.

Here is a website I would recommend for anyone suffering from miscarriage, still birth neonatal and infant death: www.sands.org.au

About the Author

Kristy Vallely is the founder and Creator of the Imperfect Mum.

Kristy believed there needed to be a place that women could go to. Where they could talk and relate. A place they could feel safe. A place they trusted. So The Imperfect Mum was born in June 2011. There was obviously such a need that when the gates 'opened' a huge flurry of women followed. Kristy has always been very passionate about women and the issues they face.

Her passion and determination has helped her carve out a career helping others and creating 'a go to place' for women from all around the world.

Posted in:  Life Lessons, Loss & Grief, Loss of a Child (My Story)

154 Replies

Lmwicks

beautiful just beautifully written you are a very strong women more so than i will ever be you are a fantastic women .....

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhhh Beautiful what kind words..

Jessicats Zografos

Oh Kristy, thank you for sharing your touching story. I'm a believer that every experience that happens in our life, joyous & tragic, helps us to become the people who we are today. We learn, we appreciate, we become stronger, we understand our priorities more. Titan was, and will always be, a precious gift to you. Undoubtedly, he shaped you to be the loving, courageous mother and woman that you are today. Big hugs to you and your precious ones. Am looking forward to sharing the Motherhood journey with you xxxx

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you Jessica - I know he did, he made me the person I am today xxxxx

The Imperfect Mum

Sorry Jess along with Matilda I had to do a quick post, as I had to pick up my kids. My beliefs are exactly the same as yours... Everything does happen for a reason and yes it has shaped me to the person I am today.. Thankyou for your support Jess and I look forward to sharing this motherhood journey with the one and only Whoa Mumma xxxx

Matilda Iglesias

oh Kristy, my heart just breaks/broke for you.

I suffered a miscarriage a week after my daughter turned 1. He (i don't know if he was a he, but I just have a feeling the baby was) was only 11 weeks. I was uncertain about being pregnant, more so about how I would cope with an 18 month old, and a newborn. It wasn't until I lost him, that I realised how much I wanted him.
I did end up having a boy, just a year later.

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you Matilda it is still to this day very hard but he is with me Thanks for readingxxx

The Imperfect Mum

That is such a beautiful story I'm so glad you ended up having your beautiful baby boy Matilda - I believe everything happens for a reason.. xxx Kristy

Blue Zone

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

The Imperfect Mum

Thank YOU xxx

Lil howtogoleft

My heart goes out to you xx Beautifully written xx

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you so much xxxx

Sevencherubs

Wow! what a first post to write and I am so impressed you have done it!!! So brave, so real and so from the heart. What a special cherub you were given and what a wonderful mother you are. Your feelings during your birth experience will touch the heart of so many women. Thank YOU so much for writing this down for us all to learn from and to experience with you. So looking forward to more heartfelt moments from you and LOVE that you were blessed with more cherubs to cherish. N x

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh I am so truly blessed you read my post... and THANK YOU so much for re-tweeting my post, your one of my very favs, your heart is gold and I value that!! Thanks Darlin xxx

[email protected]

I don't know what to say.
What a heartbreaking post.
I am not going to pretend to understand what you went through, and continue to go through, but you are amazing and this post was beautifully written.
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing :) x

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you my friend that I haven't "met" but have connected with, I appreciate your support Tara xxxx

Natalie

Kristy, I am so very very sorry about the death of your beautiful boy Titan. I cannot fathom the depth of grief and love you felt at the time, and still today.
Thank you for sharing Titan's story with us all.

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you so much Natalie, I appreciate that you took time out of your day to read his story.. xxx

Carolyn Chambers

Hi Kristy,

I so feel for you my sister lost her baby at 23weeks and 6 days as her daughter had Dandy Walker syndrom a rare defect, with thelp of me (i'm a neonates nurse) & our family and her wonderful partner she got take some positive from the awful situation, My niece would be 5 years old now. Her second baby arrived 18months ago a gorgeous wonderful Boy, who we know would look just like his Sister.

Life can be cruel as I am the big protective sister but have my own pain as I can't get pregnant naturally I have problems with my tubes and endometriosis, all I thought I would be from being 13 years old was a mum. Instead I trained as a neonatal nurse and look after beautiful precious newborns and their parents. I am also inn the process of manufacturing my own newborn clothing range. This is the first time I've managed to tell anyone outside the family and friends, I need to shrug the shame of not being a mum off I think we shall try IVF again towards the end of the year but after six years you do have to think maybe it won't be. I'll never give up hope nor believing in the magic of pregnancy as with every baby that arrives it's truly a miracle.

Thank you for sharing. Naomi from Seven Little cherubs blog directed me your way. I wish you all the best for you and your family and I know your little angel is always around along with my niece.

Carolyn Chambers

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh my god Carolyn your story sounds EXACTLY like my sister and I, she tried for 7 years for a baby and also had IVF. She now has a beautiful little boy he is a healthy 2yr old. I hope that gives you hope. You sound like such a beautiful special person that deserves to be a Mum. She is my BIG protective sister too!! maybe it's a sign darl maybe you were meant to read this! - I believe you were.. lots of love good luck and hugs Kristy xxx

Carolynvanleeuwen

Thank you Kristy,
I will always have hope and I always believe in fate I think your right I was meant to read this. I now don't nurse because I find it too tough to look after babies from substance abuse mothers when all I want to be is a mum. I have great personal skills and seemed to be able to get these mothers to trust me and learn to care for their babies competently my frustration took over me as I always used to get these families to care for. I still have my passion for newborns and new mums that's why I've started my own business designing and manufacturing newborn clothing. Thank you for the beautiful kind message Kristy you are one of the amazing people in this world. Best wishes to you and you family, Carolyn xx

Carolyn Chambers

It's Carolyn Chambers not my email maiden name oops!

Char

Oh, Carolyn, please don't think you there is a shame of not being a mum, you are gift to all new mums and dad and most important of all you are a wonder to all new born babies... I have my fingers and toes crossed for you and hoping with all my might that IVF will work for you, if not, always remember you are already the greatest gift, being a neonates nurse
xoxo All the best
Char

Carolyn Chambers

Thank you Char. I know I've cared for so many special babies and I always used to say to the parents when they went home I'd care for them & protect their babies as if they were my own. It's a special job. One I no longer do for reasons mentioned below but I still have passion to help and care for newborns and mums in many different ways. It's truly nice to know people care.
All the best for you, Carolyn xx

Nicole

Carolyn, as someone who went through 10 IVFs and suffered a loss at 20 weeks, I can tell you that I thought I would NEVER fulfill my dream of being a mum.

As I sit writing this my two little rogues are having their day-time nap, so please don't ever give up hope of becoming a parent one day. Our children came to us through adoption in the end and I believe now that this is what we were always supposed to do.

Not that you could have told me that during IVF number 4, 5, 6 etc. The question of 'why don't you just adopt?' is one that every person struggling with fertility hates. It's absolutely not as simple as that is it?

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and not to give up hope, somehow (and it may not be the 'how' you think) you can make it happen.

MumtoJ

Kirsty, thankyou for sharing, my heart broke reading your story. What an amazing strong person you are to get through that much pain. My husband and I suffered our 5th miscarriage in March this year but we're so, so incredibly lucky we have our little miracle, (J was 5 this year), he was born 9 months after my beloved Nan passed away. It was a difficult pregnancy but I knew he'd make it because he was our gift from her.
thanks again for sharing (hugs) xx

The Imperfect Mum

Oooh Darlin, how sad, 5 miscarriages, how tragic.. I'm happy you have your little J ... BIG hugs to you too xxxx

Jo

What a fantastic first post! Beautifully written but so very sad. There are many women who this will touch and give hope to. My story appears in a post titled "Missing" on my blog. I look forward to reading your posts in the future. Jo xx

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you so much I can't wait to read yours xxx

kirri

A riveting first post Kristy and a brave one at that....Congratulations! I look forward to reading and learning more
~Kirri

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you Kirri xxxxx

Gemma_My_Big_Nutshell

Oh Kristy your post was beautiful through all your sadness.

I was thinking that when you turned Titan over you only did what was natural and that is what a mother does, just what comes naturally.

I truly appreciate you sharing your heart.

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh Gemma - Thank you!! your thoughts mean a lot to me... I appreciate your beautiful words.. xxx

Melissa Gottliebsen

Thank you for sharing. It's an experience that happens too often, but is not spoken of often enough.

The Imperfect Mum

Yes! your right Melissa! Many women lose their babies, and feel so isolated.. That is why I needed to share Titan's story.. xx

scissorspaperrock

WOW Kristy! What a heartfelt, honest piece of writing! Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are AMAZING!!!! I experienced a pregnancy loss last year {during 1st trimester, was told it was ectopic} & I found a lot of comfort & peace in blogging about it! Keep writing :) xo

The Imperfect Mum

Thank You Claire! I am sad for your loss, my friend suffered from an ectopic pregnancy.. It was very traumatic experience for her...as it would have been for you! I appreciate your reading Titan's Story... xx

Anon

Hi Kristy,
Thank you for sharing your very moving and personal story, it really touched me. It took me eight years to concieve my wonderful little boy (my second pregnancy, as my first was ectopic) and sadly I can't have any more for health reasons.
Last year my sister gave birth to her fourth baby, he was full term with a gorgeous head of blonde curls. He passed away in her arms less than 24 hours later. The shock and grief has been intense, in my opinion there is nothing worse than the loss of a precious child.
It is an important topic that needs to be shared, so thank you!

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh my God!! my Mum is sitting by my side and we are both reeling from your post, after the birth of Titan, two of my beautiful friends lost their baby boys at full term. Please give your sister a BIG hug for us xxxxxx

greatgoogamoogas

I'm another angel mum, my son Logan was born at 19 weeks in May last year.
What I found helped get me through the dark times was knowing that I had the support and friendship of other angel mums.
6 and a half weeks ago I gave birth to my beautiful rainbow baby and he has helped heal my heart.

Thank you for sharing Titans story with us all.

The Imperfect Mum

It was a pleasure - thank you for sharing yours with me, I am sorry for your loss, and so happy you were blessed with your beautiful little rainbow baby... Lots of love and hugs Kristy xx

Nicole McLachlan

From one newby blogger to another, congratulations Kristy. Not just for launching your gorgeous blog, but for putting in writing something that I suspect you have wanted to put in writing for a long time. I have a "needs to be told" story as well - and reading your (and Titan's) story makes me think that I might actually be able to tell it. I will add you to my blogroll (I hope that's ok) - so congratulations again, and good luck! x

The Imperfect Mum

It was a story that needed to be told, I held it in for nearly 7 years, when I wrote it, things came up that I didn't even know were there... It was his story and I am so honoured so many people are reading it - this is his time to shine...

The Imperfect Mum

Ohh that would be an honor thank you xxx

Jess

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I don't think there could be anything worse, apart from maybe the loss of husband.
What a beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing this

The Imperfect Mum

Mmmm I agree the loss of a husband would be so un comprehend-able... Something I pray I will never experience... xxxx Thank you Jess

Char

Kristy, you have survived your hell and for that you are a wonderful, inspiring, strong woman. My heart broke reading your story, tears welled in my eyes. Go through each day knowing your little man is the brightest star in the night sky, watching over his mummy, daddy, Maya and Tex. Have the strength to keep telling your story and helping those who may not quite as strong as you.
Be free Titan, fly with the angels and soar high and watch forever over those who cherish and love you xoxox
Char :-)

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh Thank you what a beautiful message!!! amazing you mentioned a star - that is one of my signs from him, he is my morning star - he was twinkling so brightly at me this morning ... I took it as a sign - So today had to be the day I launched this blog .. it just seemed so right xxxxxxx THANKYOU

Louise

Kristy,
You writing about this will help so many who feel alone. I lost my fourth child Michael 18 months ago at 21 weeks. He was stillborn and i held him against my chest feeling the last warmth he would ever have. When i lost Michael i was the only person i knew that had ever had it happen to them until i started talking. Suddenly people started telling me their stories of miscarriage, still birth and neonatal loss, many of which had been held inside for many years like unspoken secrets. I never have understood why.

As i had 3 other children it was hard for me to deal with how i felt as i was trying to protect them and help them understand what had happened. We had a beautiful funeral to celebrate that he was here and not that he was gone. That was one of the best (albeit saddest) days of my life because thats the way i wanted it. Our whole family still talks of Michael (sometimes people are shocked at the way my children say they have 3 siblings but one of them is dead) and he will never be forgotten.

Thankyou for sharing your story as Titan deserves to be remembered.

The Imperfect Mum

Titan is constantly talked about in our house two - my kids talk about their big brother in heaven all the time. He is remembered in so many ways... by all of our family. We had a beautiful funeral too. I so get you what your saying about the best yet saddest days of your life, it was like that for us too. Thank you for sharing your story too Louise - Rest in peace Michael! xxxx

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