My marriage has ended… (written by an anonymous Imperfect Mum)

The importance of the date night is immeasurable.

My marriage has ended. My children are heartbroken.

And I can only move forward but have absolutely no interested in another relationship.

He and I were parents already when we met.

He only had contact with one child. I was the sole parent for my child.

Inside the last 10 years, we fell in love, married, had more children, this time together, faced so many challenges, tears, arguments and so many “What was THAT” moments – the good, bad AND ugly!

But in all that time, our time of being bonded was low level.

When it was good, we were amazing.

But the rest of the time… I was not as important as everyone else.

When it was good, we dated, had alone time, we went to bed together and had a chat. Even if we went to bed at different times, we still snuggled up, or at least held hands as we went to sleep.

But as the time went on, the talking stopped.

The intimacy became one sided.

While it is important to have the time apart and separate interests, it is also equally as important to have the time together. Sharing, talking, D and M’s as well as light hearted chats about the day to day.

This isn’t a question, but rather a heartfelt plea to take a long hard look at your relationship, decide if you actually WANT it to work first of all.

Why?

or

Why not?

 

What do YOU want in/from this relationship?

What does your PARTNER want in/from this relationship?

What are you BOTH happy with, or accepting of?

What can be/ needs improving?

What can be let go of?

What is relevant to improving you both?

What is irrelevant and provides no sustenance to the relationship?

What things do you WANT to know?


You get the idea. Work on questions and answers. PLAY 20 questions. Make time to play.

Don’t ask a question if you don’t want the answer.

And while its ok to have your own personal stuff, don’t have blatant secrets or act like its a big deal when its only something insignificant and petty.

Be willing to share, but also be willing to accept there are so many contradictions in relationships.


Arguments are not about winning, or getting the last word.

ALWAYS make the last thing you say “I love you”.

Even when you only want to choke the living daylights out of them.


Its not about winning or losing, who is right or wrong; it is NOT a competition.


The only thing that matters at the end of the day, is that someone loves you so much, they want to spend their time with you, want their life intertwined with you, unconditionally. No nastiness, spite or being vindictive.

Just love.


Its better to be hurt hearing the truth than it is to be comforted with lies. Or worse, not comforted at all because someone has no interest what so ever in making you feel like you are important too.


I have to move on with my life, without the person I once could not imagine my life without. My soul mate. My other half.

But its not my other half. So I have learnt.


Best wishes to all. If someone else, anyone else can learn from my difficult place – that brings me some sort of relief. Thank you.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage

10 Replies

kel007

oh my gosh i have just been here with my now ex patner learning im not important was the hardest part

Kylie Ryan-Milroy

Oh. Tears for you & your children .. But you are wise and wonderful. Your next mate - one day - will appreciate that.

Dani

Thanks to this poster for sharing their story and how they must feel in what must be a very hard time, it has given me some food for thought most definitely. xx Take care xx

sheryl

I am sorry for your loss, for your love,for your life with him and what could of been your future with him.
You are very brave to face it head on but is I guess your truth.
Be strong for your children and time may heal old wounds.
I am very grateful you took the time to remind me and other mums what is important- to be present in the moment.
Best of luck on your future I hope you find happiness somewhere else.
sheryl:)

NickyandTim Palmer

My heart aches for you, but at the same time- as I lie in bed next to my husband, lover and soul mate, I look over at him reading his book that I make fun on him for reading and I feel a rush of butterflies through my stomach. Marriage is a journey- as is life. It is not meant to be easy, nor is it meant to be all laughter and joy. The 8 years + I have spent with my husband has often tested the strength of our love, patience and sanity, we have endured endless heart ache after heart ache while trying to conceive, coping with infertility, financial difficulties, trust issues and many other bumps along the road- but these words of yours have made me realise that this person has chosen me and loves me regardless, he wants to be with me and share his life and this journey with me as his wife.
Please know how much your post has done for me right now. I am forever grateful.
Much love and support to you x

Lisa Ebeling

Wow this could have been written by me, much love and hugs to the author xoxo

Wendy

You are so very right. I'm sorry for the pain you have in learning this lesson. But thank-you so very much for sharing to save others that pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kirsty

This could not have come at a better time for me - just on a 'trial' separation with my fiance and father of my two boys - some great food for thought here - thank you for sharing x

Bec

I am going through a marriage breakup of my own. He fell out of love with me and in love with someone else at first I was heart broken and didn't think I could live without him and wanted him back then I found out he was in love with someone else and that she was in love with him it was my best friend ( she still is ) her marriage was broken too. I have taken it so well and someone said to me one day maybe you didn't love him the way you thought maybe you didn't even realise you had fallen out of love with him too. It got me thinking and I have just come to the conclusion that they are right I don't love him that way anymore, I do love him but because he is the father of my child. This happened 2 weeks ago and recent events has even made me question if I infact did love him that way at first as I seen my first love and got Goosebumps and butterflies but I don't remember getting them for my husband.

Pauline

Thanks for making me realise I'm not the only one going through this struggle. It's painful, it's difficult, it's a rollercoaster. So many of us going through separations, it's heartbreaking. Take care and well done for sharing...that's a difficult thing to do during such a tumultuous time.