Advice on relationship.
My partner passed away 3 years ago. Recently started a new relationship (6 months ago) and have been trying to take things slow. I really love this guy.
Recently discovered he has anxiety. When he has his bouts of anxiety he goes all quiet and cold on me. Won’t talk, barely comes near me actually. This has set me back. I left his place in tears this morning (unbeknown to him) because he had an anxiety attack yesterday because of clients of his and didn’t sleep last night.
Not sure how to deal with his anxiety or the thoughts in my head. Today I’m feeling so down because of it. I was in a hole 3 years ago after my partner passing away in my arms from cancer and I don’t want to go back to feeling like that again. He’s told me he never has anxiety because of me but his behaviour towards me when he has makes me feel so down.
Do I give my partner space, talk to him about how this is making me feel or?
Update….he said he had an anxiety attack because I didn’t want to try on the 10 sizes too small dress he bought me and he likes me wearing sexy clothes 😳
He also told me he doesn’t like me wearing “granny undies” and finds them very unappealing and makes him not want to touch me which gives him anxiety”. I’m feeling like I am starting to lose myself trying to make him happy and to stop his anxiety
7 Replies
I have anxiety and also shut down when I have a bad attack - and honestly it's because my entire brain is taken up shouting BAD THINGS!!! BAD THINGS!!!!
It's nothing personal against you, I can't stress that enough. I can't deal with conversation. I can't deal with hugs. I want to crawl into my bed-cave and just have the world disappear.
I have short acting meds for anxiety attacks (valium). When your partner pulls out of it and is back to normal, I'd ask him if there's anything you can do to help when he's like that; and I'd urge him to get meds for when it hits.
I was on meds that you take every day, but I absolutely hated them because they totally dumbed down my whole personality - so it might take a few goes to find the right medication.
If he says the anxiety has nothing to do with you, believe him. I personally would rather my partner leave the room (or the house) and let me get on with it - I just don't have the brain space to deal with another person.
And I know if I'm pushed, I'll lash out, for no reason except I can't cope - which is why I want to be left alone.
In that state, I don't care what we eat, I don't care what we watch, I don't want ANYTHING except quiet.
No questions. No talking. No it's not you. No hugs. Just give me vegemite toast & go away.
I 100% get it if you can't deal with that - you don't have to, you're not obligated to stay with the guy.
But for both your mental health sake, I genuinely would suggest you take the above advice - put food in front of him and leave him to it.
Mental illness is shit.
Thank you so much. Hard to know how to be supportive and what to say and do.
Absolutely. And it was super hard for me to tell my partner that I'm best left alone, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or push him away.
So maybe offer that, so he doesn't have to find the words to say it? Like "a friend who has bad anxiety prefers to be left alone at the time, is that best for you?" type of thing.
My partner is the type who wants to wrap me up and take all my problems away - and maybe you're that type too. Which makes you an amazing person, but adds pressure that an anxiety attack just can't handle.
It's hard not to take it personally, I'm sure. But honest to god IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Read that 100 times if you have to. Try to be secure in that.
Thank you! I am going to go to his place after work tonight just to check on him. I won’t push and will definitely have that discussion once he is feeling better
If it makes you feel this way, then that’s what you have to consider. You’re fragile already - find someone who can give you what you need. That’s not too much to ask. Don’t settle for this, your own mental health and well-being is far too important to risk by putting yourself through this.
I agree, OP, you seem triggered by his behaviour, you need/deserve to feel confident in your relationship.
After what you have been through, you need someone there for you, not someone who is going to take you back to that dark place and further burden you.
I'm not saying you shouldn't be there for a new partner, you should, but this behaviour is most probably ongoing and too much.
It's okay to put yourself first, it's only been 6 months, keep an open mind, it's early days still in the relationship, don't go all in too deep and be cautious.
Be ready and willing to walk, if you need to.
Your update had me literally go wtf..
No lovely, just no. You have been through an awful traumatic experience and heartbreak. You do not need anyone who makes things harder!
Your self-worth should not be tied to this man, or any man! His comments regarding what you are wearing is disgusting! He should openly accept you as you are and he is so shallow he is judging you on what you are wearing!
Let's get to the crux of things. You have had this big thing happen in your life which has left you somewhat vulnerable to those that will not cherish you but instead use that vulnerability to gather control and dominance. Hiding behind 'anxiety' does not mean he has the right to be an ahole.
You need more time to heal and work on loving you, the way your partner would have wanted you to. If you truly care for yourself, your boundaries and what you accept from others aligns. You want to share your already wonderful life with someone, not go into a dependent relationship.
That does not take dating off the table, in fact I would recommend meeting different people so you get a very clear picture of what you do not want. Please consider if this man is really what you need right now. Because ultimately, you deserve so much better 💗