Bare with me while I get to my questions....I think my ex is a narcissist (or at least shows a lot of narcissistic traits). I've just seperated from him because I realised I've spent years trying to explain myself to him only to have him emotional manipulate and emotionally abuse me. I was holding onto the hope that he'd do some work on himself and our relationship but even after multiple counsellors (and having him cancel because "it wasn't working") he has absolutely no self-awareness or empathy and all the things that go wrong are because of me. He antagonizes me! He also has a serious binge drinking problem which he won't get help for. So I've officially seperated from him but we are still living together. We also have a two year old. I'm a student (I have one year left) and I'm refusing to move out of the home (we own) until I have a secure job where I can support myself and my daughter. I feel so anxious. I know I'm strong enough - everything that has led me to this point in life has taught me resilience. It's definitely easier to handle my reactions towards him now that I can see he has a personality disorder but he's so manipulating! I'm also anxious about being a single mum, even though I know thousands of amazing women do it everyday! I don't have family close by, only his, who I'll keep onside as much as I can. I need some tips on how to handle this going forward. How do I handle a narcissistic ex and father to my child? How do I continue to live with him? How can I lower my anxiety about being a single mum?
How do I handle a narcissistic ex?
How do I handle a narcissistic ex?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care
9 Replies
We need to stop diagnosing people, he's an asshole, that's all you know unless you're a psychiatrist and have evaluated him. You also still need to coparent with him and labelling isn't going to help create a neutral ground needed for communicating and I don't think his family would appreciate it either if you're wanting to stay on good terms with them.
I personally think it's a bad idea to plan on staying if he's abusive, that's not going to stop just because you've separated and living under one roof is going to be stressful. I know it's a hard time to be leaving but you should be trying for your own sanity. Once you are set up as a single mum you will have less anxiety and may even feel great because you will be enjoying emotional freedom. If you're not already using a childcare you should look into that to make the transition to work easier as there's long waits at the moment.
My ex is a narcissist. Always just thought he was an asshole until I saw a few things about narcissists and he ticked every single box 100%. We as exes/partners don’t need a psychologist or therapist to diagnose. The anxiety, depression, physical and emotional damage, mind games they played, manipulation, gas lighting and health problems they caused, were enough!
That's the problem, those little lists are not exclusive to narcissism. You can have narcissistic traits and not be a narcissist and many people do, you will probably even find you do, me as well. So how would you like your ex to run around saying you're a narcissist based on a few flaws? It's a complex mental health condition you can't go diagnosing people from a check list off Facebook. Narcissists actually rarely physically assault people which would rule your ex out if he was physically abusive.
You’ve clearly never been in a situation where you have to deal with one on a daily basis. You and your mental health are so lucky!
Yes, my mental health must be great because my physically and mentally abusive ex was not a narcissist, just a drug induced psychosis. So glad it wasn't narcissism.
For starters, I'm not "going around labelling him" to anyone but myself (and in this anonymous message). This is something I've analysed intensely through my experiences and he has met next to all of the criteria. And what if labelling him in my head helps me to manage the situation better? It has helped me react less to him and not give him the fuel he needs to manipulate me. He's also not physically abusive. He's emotionally abusive. He's got a childhood history of abuse and mistreatment from his alcholoic mother. With years of evidence and experience with him personally, I think I'm in all my right to "label him" as a narcissist, and not just an arsehole. Whereas you are making a lot of assumptions based off a short paragraph of text. Also, this has been supported by our relationship counsellor who we both were seeing individually as well as a couple.
I am attempting to co-parent which is extremely difficult with someone who ticks a long list of narcissistic traits. Thanks for your support.
Maybe I'll edit the post to say "shows a full list of narcissistic traits" as opposed to "a narcissist".
Please do not try to co-parent with a narcissist. Read about parallel parenting. There are couple of facebook groups that give supportive advice re this with women going through similar <3
Can he move out? Your mortgage is probably no more than renting elsewhere. Keep your daughter in the family home. Part-time job, study and some gov't assistance might get you through. Rent out a room to an other student (or even another single mum student) Do the sums. I'd rather be broke and alone, than over-thinking every breath I take... Good luck.
So I know my ex is a narcissist and I have had to deal with his behaviour for years. Early on I had to learn to distrust everything that came out of his mouth and focus entirely on his behaviour and repetitive patterns.
I went to Centrelink and spoke to a social worker and linked up with a DV Counsellor. Highly recommend speaking to someone to help you to gain clarity. All the gaslighting over the years had me doubting my own sanity at times. An example would be him sometimes saying "pardon, you said something?" and I would be sure I had not spoken. He did this until one day I called him out as I had been consciously thinking about something at the time. He just smirked and stopped that behaviour after that. They are very nasty individuals.
I could not stay with mine as I got to the point where I was a complete mess and experiencing horrible thoughts. They even train us to react a certain way as they know all our triggers and we do not even realise all the ways they do it. I have had to try to undo so much damage.
I left and the only regret I have is not leaving him sooner! Many years later and he still tries to play head games and uses the kids to do it.
All I can say is look after your own mental health. My DV counsellor saved my life