I am struggling to manage my anxiety around my ex. We do not have a formal custody agreement as history with previous children of his was really messy in the court space. So we were both happy to avoid that. We have always somewhat agreed that my 10yo lives with me and visits him. Recently, after 6 years of separation I met a new partner who moved in after 18months. My ex has had many new partners and many have moved in quickly. His most recent he is engaged to. Suddenly, he is abusing me all over again. He keeps saying he has to meet my partner and makes threats about how he will manage that conversation. I keep saying no that wont be happening. He claims because inhave met his new partner (his choice, he has her attend all change overs) that its his right to meet mine. I do not want any of his drama seeping into my home. He is trying to assert himself saying he will not be told by me when he is having our son. Fighting me on every decision. He says he wants to talk about something. So we begin a conversation in person, but within minutes he is swearing and yelling at me. To which I state - "I am leaving now because you are yelling and swearing at me". Then I leave. This angers him further and he hurls abuse at me as I make my way to the safety of my car. I am strong on the outside. But I am crumbling on the inside. The tears fall when I'm by myself and I can't stop. I am so triggered by his verbal abuse from our past relationship (10yrs and married). I am seeing a psychologist, my life is otherwise so put together. I have a successful career, great friends, solid athletic achievements. I am a good mum. I am intelligent and I understand his trauma brain. But it doesn't help me cope with my own trauma brain in those days - weeks where it is awful communicating with him in anyway. It impacts me in ways I wish I could control better. How do you heal when its not over and isnt going to be for a long time. Thanks for reading - just a sad mumma trying to heal.
6 Replies
Get an avo in place asap and take charge of this situation. No more abuse!
I think he has manipulated you into not setting things up properly so you are protected.
I would not be having face to face discussions with him at all. Everything through email or text from now on.
You can’t control the impacts of abuse, that’s a really unhealthy way to think. The answer is to REMOVE the abuse from your life, so you don’t have to cope with poor/ aggressive/ stressful treatment.
You can move to email communication only. Since he has shouted at you and made you feel the need to end the meeting and get away from him to safety - do not meet up with him in person anymore. Do not have conversations. It will drive him nuts and his behaviour will increase but know your plan, and you report every new behaviour he tries, and he gets consequences - a new tighter boundary. He’ll get the picture eventually. You may need to go through court or sort out official parenting plan because his next move will probably be to withhold the child and refuse to return them in order to force you to communicate with him.
You just have to be brave enough to let him know this is not ok for you, stop pretending to be friends because it’s easier. This is not easier. I know going through the change is harder but the end result is a good place for you, in control and not dealing with him.
Thank you for this. Change is so hard. And yes I agree he will be worse before better. The reason I have avoided it is currently, when my child is in his care - I am able to have communication freely about how he is going. I'm so so nervous about removing this option by saying you don't contact me. My anxiety about how he cares for our child is almost as bad as my anxiety about his abusive ways. I will seek some legal advice. Then I know the options. Thanks for giving me the push.
I get it, it’s scary and you always fear what if it doesn’t go the right way, what if my child isn’t protected. Seek legal advice asap, and show your child that we can and will deal with people who behave this way. Also, you said he’s been through an expensive and drawn out custody battle, that could actually be in your favour because he can’t afford to do it again and you both know it. You hold the upper hand in mediation. Make sure you have records, keep photos and screenshots, times and dates of incidents with yourself or with changing plans.
Meet in front of the Police station for hand over. See if he continues to rant and rage at you in front of the police station and walk into the police station if he starts yelling and screaming at you. Only have contact via text or email and stipulate it must be to do with the child only and that your personal life is not to be discussed. He can always take you back to mediation. But then he will have to follow the same rules as you do.