Needing advice !
My 16 year old daughter has confided in me she’s had sex for the first time .
I’m ok with it it is what it is and it’s a natural thing to want to do but ……..
She lied and said she was with one of her girlfriends on a walk and was at his house and he is only 14 or 15 two years below her at school .
She’s not dating him and has said it’s a sexual attraction nothing else .
She’s formed this friendship on snap chat with this boy who lives in our local area so I’ve heard a few not good things about him .
My daughter is just starting counseling for perging so there’s a lot going on in her world.
I’m full of anxiety I usually tell my husband everything but she made me promise not to tell him this .
It’s the lies and the under age that’s making me feel sick .
She said they used protection but she’s not on the pill so I got her the morning after pill .
It’s just such a big thing for me to have to deal with on my own with all the other stuff that’s happening too .
Kind words of advice would be much appreciated.
18 Replies
Oh god I would freak if this was my daughter. Can’t believe they just hook up these days and there’s nothing in it. My daughter doesn’t have social media to interact with boys or friends outside of school. You need to make her aware of boys who will use her & to wait until she finds the boy she really likes and he respects her. Be open with her and make her realise the risks and underage side of it.
I have had soooooo many talks like this with her I’m the annoying Mum.
I’m trying so hard not to be cranky or shocked and as soon as I start to lecture her she arks up and says I’m not telling you anything anymore !
It’s so hard & you want her to keep telling you things but she needs to listen to you because you care. Keep being the annoying mum and tell her it’s for her own good. She might not understand now but she will one day.
Also speak with her councillor alone and give her this info without your daughters knowledge or with your daughter.
Def tell her counsellor. And tell a friend that you can hash it out with but it'll never get back, a completely separate outlet.
Depending on your state, she's potentially committed statutory rape and could be convicted as a child sex offender. Sorry, but you really need to tell your husband. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://yla.org.au/...
This is a direct quote from the link you posted so what took place would be legal.
If you are aged 12-14, you can legally agree to have sex with someone who is not more than 3 years older than you.
If you are 15 or older, you can legally agree to have sex with someone who is not more than 5 years older than you.
Cool. That link makes you choose the state you live in. Lucky. It's illegal in many
I have a fairly modern take on teens and sex, last time this conversation came up here I was absolutely slated so I say this with apprehension lol.
I wouldn't be too stressed about the age gap, a 14/15 year old with a 16 year old does fall within the legal parameters irrespective of the age of consent. If he were 13 and she 17, then you'd probably have a problem.
I also wouldn't get too caught up in the fact that she lied to you. You harp on and lecture her about that it really just reinforces the idea in her mind that she can't be upfront with the truth and that she can't tell you things without you flipping out - keeping those lines of communication open is so important.
And if we're being honest, had she come to you and said "I'm going to 'jacks' house to have sex" would you have been supportive of that? I doubt it. So her rationale would probably be that she had no choice but to lie.
Thank her for confiding in you, tell her you understand why she wasn't initially honest about her whereabouts and activities, then maybe once she feels heard you can come back to the chat about honesty going forward.
I also don't think its a good idea to demonise casual sex, that just creates shame and stigma. She is her own person and she's free to explore and enjoy her sexuality as she sees fit. A better approach is to talk extensively about healthy relationships/interactions and to encourage safe sex, ie, safe place with safe people who you trust and give her access to the appropriate forms of protection - condoms always and thinking about some form of contraception would be a good idea at this point. Talk to her about seeing her GP to discuss birth control options.
I'd also encourage her to talk this through with her therapist, it's always good to verbalise and reflect upon these experiences.
In regards to telling her dad, put yourself in your daughter's position. Would you want you dad knowing you'd become sexually active? I love my dad to death but I would not want him knowing something like that and if my mum told him after I specifically asked her not to, all trust I had in her would be gone.
Well said 👏
Your comment about legality isn't true in many states in Australia. You should be conscious of that. Due to my job, I've lost count of the number of people I've met who can't work in a lot of industries because they had sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend under 16. One situation that really bothered me was a man who had sex with his girlfriend of 5 years a week before her 16th birthday, on his 16th birthday. He went on to marry her but couldn't teach because her parents had him charged because they were religious
Fair enough, I was going off the laws in my state and I do know some other states have similar laws. Op should probably check the laws in her state and have a discussion about the importance of consent either way.
Everything else I wholeheartedly stand by.
Why is she hanging out with a boy that young? Back when I was her age hanging out with boys 2 years younger wasn't normal
Yeah that’s like a year 11 with a year 9 or a year 10 with a year 8, at that age the difference is huge. I would be very concerned too.
It's pretty common where I am.
I have a year 8 son, I don’t care how common it is, there would be hell to pay if a year 10 girl has sex with him. The maturity levels are so different.
Common doesn’t make it right.
Agreed. That's why the laws aren't consistent
She is 16 and she is going to have sex. Put her on the pill, tell her to always be safe and confide in you and tell your husband. Ask him not to speak to her about it for fear she won't talk to you thinking the trust is broken. I have 2 young girls and more than anything I would want them to feel safe.