Comparing my life to others. Please be kind
I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm a mum of 3 beautiful kids, fiance to a wonderful man and father.
I know all the things I do have, that money can't buy.
We rent, paying as little as we can as its all we can afford. So the house is pretty crappy. No storage, flyscreens, garage
Our furniture is mismatched, and old.
Our car is second hand and well lets just say the engine light has been on for years but we can't afford to find out why.
My other half works hard but not in a very high paying job.
I stay at home with the kids.
I have 2 degrees and have had pretty high paying jobs but bullying by my boss and forced resignation meant I never got maternity leave or anything like that.
Anyway. I just find myself constantly chasing my tail to get an old house with no storage to look presentable. My kids go to friends houses and are in awe of their homes. I'm too embarressed to have people at mine.
I can't afford to have fancy parties for the kids or even go out to dinner. I struggle to put them in soccer let alone the zillions of other activities kids do.
Once my youngest can go to school I will go back into the workforce so I know this isn't forever.
Urgh. I think I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. That not everyone has magazine houses and brand new 4wd's. Maybe that you have been here and things got better once kids were all at school etc?
Maybe it just doesn't matter??? Given my wonderful family etc. But how do I stop comparing myself to others, being embarrassed of my life and my home.
12 Replies
Look at it this way ... those people with all those beautiful things will be high in debt for a long time. I would truthfully rather have what you have . And I've been under both of these lifestyles.
Thankyou. I do remind myself of this. A past life of mine had me living in an abusive toxic relationship with lots if money. I know which one I prefer.
Just haven't met anyone else in the same boat and its lonely in here sometimes.
My partner is truly the love of my life so not lonely in that sense...
I only had one kid instead of a few, but same/same. We rented a hundred year old cottage. The walls had gaps so the wind would blow straight through it. The bathroom was the size of a small pantry, the toilet in an enclosed concrete slab off the kitchen, no insulation and a serious insect infestation (all kinds!). For heat in winter we'd nail blankets over the doors and run a kerosene heater until bedtime, then change into ski suits to sleep in it was so cold. We drove 20-30 year old cars (mine was a late 70's model, my partner was given a mid 80's model by his boss). Never had holidays and Christmas was tight, often with second hand presents for our young fella.
But, once I got into work things looked up.
We were able to save and eventually bought that cottage (it was in a great area). Built a new house (nothing flashy but meets our needs). Updated to 10 year old cars.
That was 10 years ago. No matter how bad you think things are now, it's short term. You know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Is there a reason you can't work for a higher wage and have your partner stay home and study so when the kids are all in school he can also get a higher paid job?
Thankyou for this. There has been a few things that have stopped me from working. Pre and post natal depression with 2 of 3 kids. The last one I was medicated so that helped. I've been out of the workforce for 10 years so will need to update my skill set by study before I attempt to go back. Something we haven't been able to afford. We will get there. I guess it just feels like we are the only ones sometimes. We don't waste money, budget etc. In saying that we have no debt at all. Not a single cent.
Thankyou again. I really appreciate it.
Just do you, the people that matter don't care what your house or car looks like.
Are you eligible through CL to get some of the training done so there's less to pay for later?
I really appreciate your kind words. I'm not eligible as I already have 2 degrees. Even though the degrees are vague and were 20 years ago.
I love your story though. We just have to keep plugging away at it. One day I hope I'm telling my story to someone like me.
You have really helped today x
That's just it. Keep plugging away. By keeping yourself out of any massive debt you're doing your family a huge favour. When the tide changes it won't just be paying later for now, which is also bloody demoralising. You will get there.
We're a low income family.
We also live in a too small, run down rental.
Our furniture is all either, shabby, second hand or cheap flat pack crap (excluding the queen bed my partner and I just splurged on).
We can't afford play centre parties and a ton of extra curricular activities.
Hell, some weeks it's a stretch just to get the bills paid and food on the table.
It gets me down sometimes too. Especially since we live in a pretty affluent area, my kids friends all live in lovely renovated 4 bedroom homes that their parents own, do all the activities and go on all the holidays. At times I just feel like everyone around me is doing so much better in life, with seemingly a tom of ease. Realistcally I know that's probably not the case but you can feel bombarded with the image of perfection when it's all people seem to show and strive for.
I just try and remember that in the current rental crisis, I'm lucky to have one.
We may not do all these activities but that frees up a lot of time for us to spend together.
We may not have a $300 Smeg toaster and gorgeous furniture but what we do have is functional and comfortable.
Thankyou. Its your response I was hoping for. That I'm not the only one. I know I can't possibly be but we live in an affluent area too so sometimes it feels like we are.
Solidarity sister! Your comment means more than you know.
I don't think we ever stop comparing ourselves to others in some way.. here's the thing..you chose to have 3 children and that's bloody expensive..I had to return to work when my 3rd was 2 and half because we were going backwards financially..we were very lucky to have some help do didn't have to use full time daycare. But we no longer can afford to do the things we did before we had 3. I limit the activities the kids do because it's expensive and our car is older but in good nick so we won't be buying a new one for a long time..our house is partially renovated but we are in a great street and neighbourhood. I get very envious of freinds with nice houses but we have some nice things( most bought second hand) so I try not dwell on it. I'm getting a new kitchen soon after waiting 10 years so I'm pretty stoked about that! Make no mistake it's only because we both work and now all our kids are at school and uni so child care is much less. Most importantly we live within our means and yes, When you return to work..it will get better financially
Take care 💚
I don’t know if this makes you feel any better or not. I was a single mum with 3 kids working 2 jobs. Met my current partner 7 years ago. We worked our butts off to get where we are now. We both now have very good paying jobs, a brand new car each, a business, own our house and a farm, and due to a lotto win, also have just over $100,000 in our bank. And honestly I’m not happier now than when I was a single mum. I am very very happy, and I was very very happy then when money was really tight too.
Sure, life is definitely easier, but happiness is not having nice things or money in your bank. It just eases the burden so you have the headspace to enjoy what it is that money can’t buy. I hope you find your peace xx
Old house that's falling apart, second hand car with peeling roof and dent in the front end, all my furniture is mis matched and at least 25 years old, some third time hand me downs... I work full-time, crazy hours with constantly changing shifts and minimal pay, hubby stays home with our 3 kids (youngest not yet in school) and we just barely scrape by. You are certainly not alone, we don't all have show homes and nice cars. I try to find peace in the fact I work really hard to provide for my family and make nice with what we have.
I know it's hard but you have to try and not look at what others have and focus on what you have, you have 3 beautiful children and a good man... That's worth alot more then a fancy house and car.