How to you grieve when you have children and trying to be there for your mum?
Trying to make post short and simple. Im 25 years old, mother of 2 children (5,6) and partner of 8 years.
In 2017, I lost my only brother. (I cant specify details as this will give away my identity). It was sudden, in front of my partner and I. He had a cardiac arrest aged 25 and passed away.
2018, I lost my grandfather (mums dad) who battled dementia for approx 5 years.
2019, I started my new job and lost 5 clients in the first 6 months. (I do Home Care and this is expected as I do majority of palliative).
2020, I lost my grandmother (mums mum) who had stage 4 cancer.
2020, I lost my last grandfather (dads dad) who had dementia for approx 3 years.
2020, just yesterday, I lost my step father (my mums husband) who had 6 months with stage 4 cancer.
How do you find the time to grieve? I need to be with my Mum but I have children to look after.. I am yet to get over the death of my brother let alone all the other loses on the way. How does one cope? How do you continue on when you feel like you have been on a grief train for 4 years? I am suppose to be looking after my Mum as my brother isnt here and I feel as it Im failing.
I have seeked help over the years, been on a mental health care plan for years, been medicated, nothing is working. How do you make this all stop? I've never been suicidal because to me, thats selfishness but how do you be in 2 places at once? How do you grieve? Are people ever the same after they have lost so much?
Im torn. Im flying off the handle at small things because I feel like I dont have control any more. Any ideas on how to handle this? Its a headf**k. When do I get time to register all this.
5 Replies
For me, I have to actively make time for myself. When I feel like this I call work before the kids get up to say I'm sick, I get ready as normal, take the kids to school/daycare then go home and for 8 hours I do what I need to feel like I can keep going (most often it will be things like having a long bath, pajamas, food, movies, napping, crying. My one rule is absolutely no housework or cooking unless it's for me) and no one needs to know youre having/had the day off work, only your work/boss (also maybe your partner? I don't have one so can't make that call)
I hope this helps in some way. Lots of love to you and your family xxxx
Your family has been through so much, but you can’t totally prioritise your mum in this situation. Loosing a partner is hard and your mum is going to need some support but that shouldn’t come totally at your expense.
If it’s possible for you or your partner to take some leave from work, that’s a good plan, your partner can step up and take some more childcare on.
After you have gotten through this next couple of weeks you might find speaking to a grief counsellor helpful.
Look into grief councilling.. it helped my mum tremendously.
Be with your mum and support each other. Talk about your brother regularly and openly with your kids. Go for walks , exercise, light candles anything. Grief is awful and comes in waves. One day at a time.
Sending positive vibes your way. I lost my mum a few years ago and had a 6 week old baby and a 5 year old. Grieving and being a good parent, daughter etc. was really hard but when I look back at it I did the best that I could and I did an amazing job. You will too see as you heal that you are already doing an amazing job. Support your mum and your kids but definitely make some time for yourself too. That’s so important to look after yourself otherwise you will find yourself burnt out and not able to cope. I found that talking to a psychologist helped me a lot. It was more of a way to vent and release my feelings to someone who is not linked to what was going on around me. We’ve lost 3 family members in 4 years, a major operations for my son while he was a baby and had a diagnosis of cancer for my dad recently. I find self care so important with coping. Could you find a hobby? For me going into a small family focused gym helped me to believe in myself. Just remember that it’s ok to not be ok though. You’re doing the best that you can. I hope you find some helpful suggestions for your grieving process.