Hi, please no bashing. I just don’t know what to do here.
I’ve separated from my partner, we have 2 sons together. He has also raised my daughter since she was a baby, he is all she knows. I was worried he would cut contact with her, which he hasn’t, but something he has said and chosen to do is sending some real intense red flags, so I need advice simply because I am still so mad and could be biased in these gut wrenching feelings, and also because I whole heartedly believe he would never do a thing like that.
Here is the background. I’ve left for a lot of reasons, but one being how sexist he is and how he thinks woman have everything handed to them on a platter and how he thinks woman just drain men etc he’s a real “what was she wearing” “she shouldn’t be walking around at night” type of guy when a girl is raped. So all over, thinks woman are constant liars and out to ruin men which could be why he’s thinking like this, but still.
Anyway, here’s the dilemma. He has decided he still wants to see my daughter, but will only have our sons over night as he is worried that in the future, my daughter when she is a teen and going through a rebellious stage will turn around and accuse him of sexual assault or rape. I was so gobsmacked and pissed and my gut turned straight away and I just saw these red flags pop up everywhere. My daughter is only young and none of the kids have seen him since the separation as he is sorting himself out apparently. I’m a firm believer in never asking a child a question out right as they may just agree and to never put words in their mouth. I 100% believe he would never do such a thing, but it just seems like such an out there risk for him to fear for literally no reason. I’m at a cross roads. I was molested as a kid and my mum never thought the guy would do such a thing either. Are my concerns real? Am I being blinded by how angry I am at him? Is it him using her to get to me? What do I do with this gut wrenching feeling? Do I speak to a professional? Do I just get her to see a professional? She has never even slightly commented that anything has ever happened. I don’t believe anything would have happened, but my past traumas and my mums trust in someone has me second guessing myself. Thankyou for reading.
18 Replies
That would raise major red flags with me. No normal father figure would say that about a child he has raised as a baby. If she is old enough to communicate (you don’t say how old) I would be booking her in to talk to a councillor, something may come out in a session. But don’t ask her straight out. If she agrees and says he has touched her, it can be used by his defence that you have to encouraged her to say it.
Red flags for me. I dated a guy for a while that didn’t want me to leave him with my girls so he didn’t get accused of anything in the future, found out later he’d been accused of touching a young girl in the past and when I looked on his YouTube app (just the day prior to waking away from the relationship) to find a song to show him, his suggested videos to watch were only of little kids doing gym activities 😳😳😳😳
Why would a pedo forewarn you that they're a pedo? This doesn't really make sense
I know of guys that have been accused in this way because they have a jilted ex or a c**t of a teen.
I would actually suggest to this guy that he needs to get some professional help to overcome this fear because, while relevant in this day and age, it will do him no favours and it seems like it is affecting his life and relationship with his daughter
I think it goes both ways. Some tell you because they’ve been accused before (wrongly for the reasons you have listed) and it really affected their lives.
Like wise some have ill intentions towards children and say they don’t want to be left with a child overnight so they can’t be accused of anything. Which is an attempt to create a fault comfort to the other caregiver.
If the OPs ex was really worried about being accused of anything in the future (generally worried) he’d be asking for supervised visits because sexual abuse/assault happens during the day and the night time by the people (at times) we least expect it from.
Ahh, food for thought, thanks
I think you should consult with someone who can give you the right information.
Your GP, a psychologist etc.
It could be fear of accusation. My DH was wrongfully accused of sexual harrasment at a job. Nothing happened as she had form for doing it (won't go into details) repeatedly. He was so mortified & upset he resigned. Now he's very wary of every move, look and word he makes/says for fear of being accused because he's automatically guilty.
Ironically, in his new role he is often approached by female colleagues for advice and support during workplace problems because he's so non threatening, supportive & respectful!
Definitely a weird thing to say! It sounds more as though he is expecting that of her because that's what girls do (in his small brain) accuse men of assault when it didn't happen. Even with the better of the two evils, this guy sounds like an absolute pig and I wouldn't be wanting any of my kids around him to learn what he's so openly teaching.
Him expecting your daughter to make these kind of accusations in future really just comes down to his sexist, misogynistic, distrustful views on women in general.
He sounds like an absolutely foul man, truth be told your daughter is probably better off without his influence. Actually, your son's don't need that kind of influence either.
Lawyer up asap!
This'll be controversial but I'd be fighting my ass off to make sure this man has as little visitation with these children as possible.
Is he involved in men’s rights activist groups by any chance?
Was thinking this myself. I'm getting a pretty big Incel vibe from his whole philosophy on women...
I had to look up what that is. What a bunch of whiny fucking sooks.
When you say red flags popped up everywhere, like what else? Cause one isolated incident showing fear of accusation isn't exactly a red flag or proof of anything. You say you don't think anything has happened and never mentioned having any gut feelings before this was said, only after
He doesn't fear it for no reason. He believes women and girls do this and he's more concerned for himself, the nice man. I would be just fine with keeping her away from him just due to his attitude towards women.
In his defense, this does happen and he's saying he wants to protect himself against that by not having his step daughter overnight. I don't agree with him but I don't see red flags either
I think your own traumas and biases may be exacerbating the situation. My husband raised my daughter since she was 9 months old. He was always concerned about stigma. Didn't feel 100% comfortable about changing her nappies and wouldn't even go in the bathroom when she had a friend or over and they were having a bubble bath as toddlers. I was offended at first until he explained to me he was just being cautious because people create assumptions and he wanted to protect his back. There is no way on earth he would ever do something untoward to anyone.
Having said that, the rest of your post is a bit concerning about his attitude towards women in general, I think that's more of the issue, and how that may affect your daughter.
Counseling can help you all in processing the new family structure post break up and can be a good idea all round
Wow you can never say for sure he hasn’t or won’t do anything. You need to stop her going to him at all. Do not trust him and go with your gut! Yukk you also need to ask her if he’s ever done anything to her. Do not mention anything to him again and if you need to go to the police. Try and get it out of her.
Because of all the stories you hear I have several family members who have refused to bath my daughters (leaving it to the grandmothers) and even going as far as not entering their bedroom but staying at the door. It was the same story for us growing up with our stepfather. He refused to let himself be in any situation that could be viewed as anything other than what it was and he was in our lives from extremely young. I don’t think this is red flags at all, just someone trying to protect themselves from anything that could arise later