Remember all the things we did when we were young? Remember the spaghetti sticks with tomato sauce and chilli?
Remember being top and tail so many nights because we didn’t want to sleep apart? We hardly ever slept in our own rooms.
Remember the water fights and the scary movies? Talking through the night about what we might be when we grew up?
Sharing a bed in the caravan in Scotland with nan and grandad? you cuddling me while I cried if something happened at school?
Me missing you so much and feeling like a part of me was missing when you moved away for a while. Making sure if one of us was scared or upset we made each other feel better.
Being best friends. Looking after our siblings and being together. The guy with the bag pipes. The moonlit picnic. The lop sided cd holder I made you in year 7.
Me looking up to you. Remember when A was born and how proud I was of you and him. Then T came along and they were so perfect. As close as we used to be when we were kids. Remember you holding my hand (and my leg) when my own son was born?
I miss you so so much it’s hard to describe. The pain is physical sometimes. I get overwhelmed with just how much I miss you and the kids. And I haven’t even met G yet and that hurts me so bad.
I know I’ve said before, but I am sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most. I let my hurt and anger get in the way of what was more important. We are both not innocent but I know most of the blame lies on me.
I’m reaching out now because I can’t keep going on like this. I see things or hear things on a daily basis and I think to myself you would find that funny, or sad or just want to chat about it. We used to see each other all day and then still have a 2-3 hour conversation in the evening on the phone. About nothing and everything. You were the person I would call if something went wrong. And I was the same for you.
I want that back. I don’t know if it can ever be the same again. That frightens me so much. And that’s what has stopped me from calling you for all these months. And the longer I left it, the more scared I have been. The more damage I am causing. But I want to try. We need to try. We have been sending a few msgs lately but it’s not enough. L misses you guys. He’s such a funny boy and he’s growing up so much and I’m sad you guys are missing it.
I want my sister back. I want our family back. We have all been torn apart.
Please K, believe me when I say how extremely sorry and sad I am. I can’t rewind these last 8 months. But I can show you how much I love and miss you.
I need the missing part of me back. I don’t want to feel lost anymore.
I miss my best friend.
All my love,