Hi I.M community
So my head is spinning & I have no idea what to believe.
I discovered some concerning text messages on my husbands phone that are between mates & himself.
I have never looked at my husbands phone nor have I ever had any interest in looking but my daughter was using his phone & came to me with an inappropriate image that came up whilst she was using it.
It has lead me to delve a little further & what I have read & seen has completely shocked me. The language used, the shocking derogatory comments about women, covering up for mates cheating & comments made that allure to certain things going on when they have been on ‘boys’ nights out.
One thing I have always believed about my husband is that he is a good respectful guy but these messages tell me a completely different story.
I have confronted him about what I have read & told him how it came about that I looked at it & of course he has turned it around on me & said it’s my fault I feel this way because I shouldn’t have gone snooping.
He has told me it’s all just a big joke to get a laugh amongst the mates & fantasy talk & basically the old excuse of ‘this is just how men talk’.
Even if it is & I’m not so sure I believe that excuse, I’m struggling to even forgive the disgusting comments made about women in general, he is a husband & a father to girls & this is just not acceptable in my eyes.
I feel like the person I thought he was is a lie.
Am I overreacting & should I just accept that this is just how men talk? I would really love others perspective & thoughts on this.
10 Replies
It's not how GOOD men talk. Things go wrong because good men do nothing. If he's the good guy, then why is he not holding his friends accountable and at the least not participating. I'm sorry, but he's not a good man :(
Yes this is my guy feeling on it too. Thank you for your helpful reply.
Yep! I work with blokes that don’t cheat on their wives who wouldn’t talk like this. I also work with blokes who do cheat on their wives and this is exactly how they talk.
Yep! I work with blokes that don’t cheat on their wives who wouldn’t talk like this. I also work with blokes who do cheat on their wives and this is exactly how they talk.
I know my partner talks differently with his mates compared to how he talks to me. I talk differently with my friends than I do with my partner. I don't see a problem as long as he is not talking about private things or sharing photos of you, if its all just banter then I don't think it's that bad.
Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate these perspectives.
Yes I agree we all probably are a little different in how we are around our friends but it’s the vulgar disrespectful talk toward women that disturbs me so much. My girlfriends & I can absolutely appreciate a nice looking man but it’s never spoken about in a disrespectful manner. I think that’s what I’m having so much trouble with.
Edit: sorry for the novel. Your post definitely stirred up some emotions lol.
When I was a kid my uncle had a huge property with a very large mancave garage on it that us kids weren't allowed in (he was a car fanatic so this was for sensible reasons as the garage was full of car parts, machinery and tools - however it probably also had something to do with the explicit porno posters that littered the walls).
My cousin and I being the cheeky 10 year olds we were decided on this particular day that we were going to spy on our dads and our other uncles, there would have been 7 or 8 men in there having a piss up.
We got a lot more than we bargained for let's put it that way. I will never forget the vulgar, sexist, derogatory and just plain degrading ways they were speaking about their wives and women in general. Their wives who I might add, were inside at that point, painstakingly preparing a massive barbecue, cleaning, parenting the children....
Hearing the men I loved speak about my aunties and my entire gender with such little regard was a very defining moment. I will never forget how I felt in that moment, as a 10 year old it was something akin to shame. As an adult women that feeling turned into infuriation!
I stopped speaking to most of my uncles because the older I got the more I understood that they were/are still just a bunch of misogynistic alcoholics. My dad distanced himself from them as well over the years but it still bothers me that even though he wasn't actively participating in this conversation all those years ago, he did absolutely nothing to discourage it. His uncomfortable laughter probably encouraged it in all honesty.
In short - No. You're not overreacting.
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept. Far too many men are willing to overlook and make excuses for shitty behaviour from their mates. All in the name of "boys being boys".
Thankyou for your helpful & insightful reply, it gives a great perspective on how other women feel about this & others experiences.
This scene feels all too familiar to me too & this is how I envisage things when my husband is with his mates.
These are the exact feelings I am having about it too, the vulgar & disrespectful manner of what I read that was directed at my entire gender has just made me feel sick & the fact that he was a happy willing participant in it leaves me feeling so much shame in how could I have married & had children with this man.
Gross!
Has he apologised to your daughter for being exposed to that picture? Because he obviously willingly let her use his phone, knowing full well that his messages pop up so you can see them.
His reaction to you speaks volumes. Instead of feeling and expressing shame he went straight to anger. Sorry to say but he is a mysoginistic piece of work.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, so appreciated.
No not one apology to my daughter & not even willing to speak to her about it to explain what she saw was inappropriate for him to have on his phone.
Also no real apology to me either apart from sorry you had to read that with a BUT after it to continue to justify his behaviour. He also said I should try & look at the light heartedness of it 🤦🏼♀️
Honestly I can’t even look at him after that comment. I’m struggling so much with it & it certainly has me questioning my marriage.