Hi sisterhood. I’m helping to organise a baby shower. A couple of the women attending are undergoing IVF. One in particular has had a very long, arduous journey. I am after ideas of games we could play as a group, that are inclusive / sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps not with so much focus on “baby” - but general childhood theme, family, new beginnings? Thanks for your help.
Baby shower - considering others’ needs
Baby shower - considering others’ needs
Posted in:
Mental Health, Loss & Grief, Parenthood Guilt, Pregnancy
11 Replies
If this is going to be triggering for them they have an option to not go. I hope I don't sound harsh but this is someone's baby and they have every right to be excited about their baby without thinking they are offending people.
I know a few people who have been through fertility and IVF struggles.
In my experience, they don't want you to make these kind of accommodations for them because tiptoeing around anything baby related almost brings more attention to it, if that makes sense?
This sort of thing was a big complaint of my SILs, she very much found that hyper-sensitivity more painful than any baby news/activities people were trying to shield her from.
I know if I were going through IVF and I arrived at a baby shower and the games weren't baby related - I'd feel like that was pointedly for my benefit and it'd make me feel very uncomfortable.
I agree with the above, a private chat beforehand and an the option to opt out is probably more considerate.
I agree with the other posters. I'm sensitive on this topic because I had a friend who went through IVF when I had my first & when given the option (sensitively) to come or not, she said she'd be fine.
It didn't matter the games played or sensitivities accounted for, it was too hard for her & it was painfully obvious. I felt I had to play down the excitement & I even felt guilty celebrating.
Looking back, it's upsetting, even more so because when she had her baby it was full on smiles & celebration.
So give them the option - they might love it & look forward to it - but don't alter a mum's experience for someone else's feelings at a baby shower.
I think this is really empathetic of you. I would suggest that you don't make it obvious that you are adjusting the games though or it will make them feel under a spotlight. But you can absolutely make this enjoyable for everyone without it being a compromise.
Idea 1: 'mixology'
Get a funny story from both parents to be of them as toddlers. Make up a few more and have guests guess which 2 baby to be will potentially take after. Do the same for teenager and young adult as well.
Idea 2: nursery rhyme charades. In small groups, guests need to act out a nursery rhyme and guests need to guess which one it is (have a book of nursery rhymes for them to look through prior)
Idea 3: buy some air-dry clay (office works has coloured and white) and guests can make some ornaments to go on a shelf in the nursery
Idea 4: Buy a nice art book (nice plain white pages) and get the guests to write and illustrate a page each to make 'my first bedtime book'. Each time it goes to the next person they read the story so far and decide where they want the story to go. Each page would be 1 or 2 sentences.
I know these aren't really not 'baby focused'... But it's avoiding the newborn stuff that might trigger like nappies, dummies, bottles etc
I disagree with the like it or lump it attitude. If someone is special to us we want to share significant life events with them. Likewise, we don't want to create scenarios that will upset the people we love. Obviously if they have had another failed attempt just prior they might lovingly bow out of attending so they don't bring the mood down.
But.... outside of those specific harder times, most people want to be there for the people they care about. Trying to create an event that is less likely to trigger them but still special is perfect. It will help ensure that the expectant mum feels all the love and the mood of the event is happy and fun.
Good on you for being so caring!
It's not so much like it or lump it but recognising that baby showers are going to be triggering, not the games and they should be told it's ok to just not go! Those that do decide to put on a brave face and go are going to feel awkward as f because they aren't dumb and will know exactly what's going on and that very likely the whole entire party discussed their personal circumstances at some stage during the planning process. Just let parents celebrate their pregnancies without a sense of shame, let babies be celebrated without the idea that it's ok for people to resent their existence! It's OK to be upset over not being able to conceive easily and its also OK to unashamedly celebrate your own baby. Neither should cancel the other out.
If they can't get through it that's fine. But the OP has probably been asked to help plan because the expectant mum knows she will be considerate.
The best baby showers I've been to weren't baby focussed. But about half my friends don't like traditional showers and others do. So assuming your friend does, why don't you do something different? Have a cake decorating afternoon? Friends will be busy, which stops them from intrusive negative thoughts if they're struggling to get pregnant. The mum to be can hone her birthday cake skills and everyone else can do whatever type of decoration takes their fancy. They don't have to make it babyish or for kids at all.
What about a macrame class? Everyone can make something to hang from the wall. Your friend can make something that holds nappies or other baby stuff but everyone else can use theirs for whatever they want? Sorry, I can't think of anything for 'new beginnings or family' so I'm thinking activities.
My SIL was very sensitive about her IVF journey, everyone had to tip toe around her feelings.
I and my kids missed out on celebrating us because she got upset.
Then she started to foster, she had a baby for a while and wanted all the celebratory trimmings including a 6month birthday party that she expected me to fly down for.
I missed out trying to be kind, but she didn’t think of that.
Thank you for being a thoughtful friend, but celebrate the person of the day.
This is a great perspective on this topic.