My husband is always working. He works from home, so I don’t even get the break from him. He’s in my space, but he’s not available to spend time with. He’s in a professional industry where he needs quiet to make phone calls and concentrate on documents. We have kids. We are on holidays. We can’t afford to go anywhere and he won’t let us make any noise. He’s always working but we don’t have anything to show for it. I haven’t got a job yet because I’ve always been home with then kids as he used to travel. I am having trouble adjusting. I’m so lonely and desperate for space at the same time.
43 Replies
does he have a study where he can close the door? sounds like it's time for you to get a job, so you can upgrade house so he has his own place to work and you can get out of the house and get some space. unless he is a significant high income earner, these days you need 2 incomes to be comfortable, that's the sad reality.
Go for bike rides, scooter rides, skating. Walk to a park. Go window shopping if you have girls. Set up a scavenger hunt around your neighbourhood with clues for the kids. Play in the backyard. Set him up in a bedroom so he can close the door. Take the kids to someone's house for a play date and you can do lots of things quietly on your own while they have fun elsewhere.
I honestly think a job would be good for you. that's not an option for these holidays though, so above is a heap of ideas for the short term.
Finally, please don't raise this with him unless you are asking suggestions for you to help him have quiet. He's working hard and would probably much prefer be on holidays and you're begrudging him. He has the raw end of the stick though.
You could suggest that now he is home he could look after the kids so you can get a job yourself. Mothers work from home all the time I don't know what makes men so special they think the world needs to revolve around their choices.
I'm a female professional and work from home. I'm not supervising my kids when I do. I'm at work. They look after themselves and I check they've had lunch in my lunch break. I do ban them from using internet if the work VPN is having a problematic day though. Otherwise I can't facilitate meetings effectively. If this families kids are younger than mine, it's unreasonable to say he's caring when he's working. I absolutely agree the mum needs a job. But home based work as a professional requires independent children or vacation care so the kids aren't home. None of my staff, male or female, are caring when they work from home. If the kids can't be independent or impact on privacy being maintained/ a lack of productivity, home based work approvals are withdrawn.
Aaah I see. So he needs to wait for the kids to be more independent before he can work from home, got it.
I'm exactly the same, work from home. There is no way I could also babysit kids, it is work, it's full on. I have teenagers, so it absolutely works for me, but if they were preschool age, they would be in daycare like a regular job. I feel sorry for hubby, it's awful when everyone around you is on holidays and you're stuck working, people seem to have a glorified idea of work from home.
Or he could choose to work from somewhere else? It's not up to the primary care giver to turn the home into a workplace environment. A family lives there, its a family home. It's his choice to work from home or work from somewhere else. Theres plenty of shared office spaces for lease around which is very affordable.
Seriously? You're suggesting that he hire an office if his employer doesn't have an available desk (common post COVID due to businesses down sizing, even government agencies and big private sector companies) instead of mum realising that they're a team and he's the one putting food on the table and a roof over their heads? He has a job, not a hobby. He's expected to work, not be paid for other tasks. He's also expected to be professional, which means not having kids in the background when he's in a meeting.
The OP and your comments are showing that you've never been employed in a professional role that is remote. If he can't meet the employer's expectations, he'll either be forced back into the office (which is more expensive and reduces family time due to travel etc) or let go if that isn't an option. Also, desk spaces are expensive to hire and often not deemed suitable by employers as it creates privacy issues etc.
I'd be gutted if my kids and husband couldn't show this basic level of respect and understanding... Assuming I didn't have kids younger than school aged that didn't understand of course. The OP has way more options available to her to manage this than he does. He has external expectations that he needs to meet. She just needs to adjust her attitude.
Very seriously lol. I think it's ridiculous. Get back to the office or find a different workplace that has the space. Covid is long over, every other workplace is back to normal except for office workers! Weird. Bunch of sooks. Everyone has travel time to work lol. Why expect your young kids to be quiet in their own home, all day, every day? I had to do it for the occasional times my ex was on night shift and it is really difficult. That's not really a choice though, working from home when you're a professional that would have plenty of other options is just selfish. Either soundproof a room or get your ass back to work.
Oh... You're jealous. Makes sense now.
What remote worker is going to pay for office space/coworking space?
Plus, i'm not allowed to use any public wifi, my computer won't connect to it, so should i hotspot and pay for more data on my phone whilst my home wifi is not used all day?
i live 2,000 kms from the "office", so like many others, commuting to the office isn't feasible.
A lot of ppl regional, work for capital city companies, trying to get a decent livable wage.
You're really ignorant and have no idea.
Different commenter here - Working remotely/from home isn't the issue, it's the "he won't let us make any noise" that's a problem.
Yes, he needs to work from home but his family still need to live there, there has got to be some kind of middle ground!
If he really has no choice he needs to set up a space that is soundproof so his family can live normal lives.
Maybe if she gets off her butt and gets a job, instead of whinging about how much he works, they could afford an additional bedroom as a study.
If i'm a single mum who can do 100 percent of the parenting and work full time, she can at least work part time with a partner.
i'm not sure what her partner travelling has anything to do with it, as kids are in care when she is at work, not him? As i said, thousands of single mums work full time without a partner at all.
I can't stand people who don't work, complaining about their partner working too much. Imagine if he loses his job, then imagine how much you'll complain. He's doing his best to support you all and keep his job, singlehandedly.
i also think people in menial and/or minimum wage jobs or housewives don't understand the mindset of people trying to build a career. they make comments like you work too much etc. but people with careers aren't clock watches, have usually studied hard to get where they are and are looking to get promotions, learn more, earn more, meet targets, keep up with the guy next to them, to name just a few. nothing is free in this world and success comes through hard work and your husband is probably looking at the bigger picture here. the ones saying hire coworking spaces have obviously never had a professional job where they work from home, absolutely ridiculous. step up and help your man out and earn a wage so you can get an extra room so he has a decent space to work, or if not, at least be considerate and try to keep kids out the way during the school holidays. you complain that you aren't getting ahead financially but you also complain that he works too much, maybe piece the two together and see what you brain can come up with.
Single parents usually don't need to pay much childcare which makes it more worthwhile. There's no point working if you're no better off financially.
after school care is very affordable.
the lazy always have an excuse.
what about super?
i guess you expect your partner to fund your retirement?
what about staying in the workforce and trying to build something for yourself, rather than taking years off work and then trying to get back in?
such small minded, small picture thinking.
if your kids are all at school, it's time to think of your future, whether work or study, its a 2 income society now.
most of us tell our adult kids at home, earn or learn, why doesn't it apply to us?
If I died or disappeared when my youngest was born my partner would have needed time off work, change jobs to be daycare friendly, had days off whenever the kids were sick etc. His earning capacity would have halved and would stay like that for 12 years. Without me looking after our kids, he wouldn't be on the huge income he is now so yes, I absolutely expect my partner to have my back during retirement if our super is not equal. I have his back now and am supporting him so why wouldn't he do the same for me later down the track?
As a single parent, we work jobs, put kids in care, take sick days and we manage to survive and earn a decent income. I think you've been a SAHM too long, forgotten what people are capable of.
What an odd argument. If you had a decent work history and died he'd collect your life insurance through your super and be in a much better financial position that would allow him to be part time and support the kids emotionally.
you said just scraping by in original post, now he's on a huge salary.
you guys must be really bad with money or you are changing the narrative to suit your argument.
i think this post is bs, he probably tells kids to be quiet when they fight, like any normal parent throughout the day, but he probably expects you to help out as well, but you let it go too long.
I'm not the OP? This is my original comment to the OP that everyone else seems to have a problem with.
I work from home. I have to take calls and am in meetings all day. I close the door and put noise cancelling headphones on with a microphone. I do not expect other people to not be able to live outside that door. If I had huge issues I would move myself to our caravan or find another space but my family seems to be okay. This is your home too. I would hate to think my family feels like this and this post has prompted me to check in x
This arrangement isn't fair or feasible long term. Sure, you can keep the kids quiet/out of the house for a day here and there but it's not reasonable to expect them to tiptoe around the house silently on a regular basis.
Nor is it healthy!
I went through similar when my partner worked nights, the tension and anxiety it caused for all of us was not worth it!
We were all trying to walk around on eggshells but unable to eliminate the sounds of our existence entirely and he was like a bear with a sore head because his sleep was constantly being disrupted.
The only sensible solution for us was for him to reassess his work situation, I feel like it's the only sensible solution in your situation as well. Whether that means he creates a separate office space at home, rents out an office space, goes back to work in person/travelling again or something else - that's something to be discussed.
I also think you need to get some work yourself! Even if it's just part time or enough to cover childcare costs, it will be good for your self esteem and social needs.
My hubby is a tradie who gets up at 3am every day. The kids and I mind our noise at night after 7.30. He minds his noise and is considerate with lighting when he wakes up. If the kids have study or big assignments to do we give them a suitable workspace to use and pick up their usual chores to give them space to focus on their priorities uninterrupted. I work from home 2 days a week. I've been in communal areas for a few months at a time over the years due to renos repurposing my office temporarily and every one would be respectful after 3pm and on school holidays. I work for the government and was forced to work from home to allow desk sharing so there wasn't an option. Community office spaces you can hire aren't considered suitable. So if I hadn't have been supported by my family I'd have been forced to go part time. Dropping those 2 days each week would have been a 60k pay cut. You're a team and you all need to work together. Get the kids out of the house this school holidays and then jobseek. Once you have an income, you might be able to afford a bigger place or to set your current house up so your partner has his own space to work. If he has the option of going into the office for school holidays, awesome. But if he doesn't, you need to find a way to manage it.
Also, to the commenter that thinks people working from home are lazy, the reason many employers support it is that productivity actually increases. People actually work harder and companies have less overheads. Hence, employees don't often have a choice anymore. Also, lots of people worked from home prior to COVID too. I have 3 brothers. All in IT and engineering. They have worked from home since they graduated university and we're all in our 40s now. 1 worked for himself and the other 2 worked for overseas companies.
Since i've got a wfh job, I've never worked more hours.
I think the expectations are higher since ppl have started working from home more.
Ppl who haven't done it, have absolutely no idea what it's like.
Yup
So all on really good money then, set up a space that's for working so your children can be children. I really don't get how you see nothing wrong with taking over the entire house and making them all leave every day through the holidays.
another myth, we are building our careers, working hard, so we must be on really good money.
it's so hard to get on really good money out in the world and people on minimum wage or don't work think because we have degrees, work in an office environment, we must be on really good money. no idea...
Well if dropping 2 days a week means a loss of 60k, that's about $500 per day? Is that not good money these days? Engineers and IT not bad paying jobs. I've never heard of a poor engineer. I'm not sure why you think everyone against making children be quiet all day every day must be on a minimum wage or not working? What I earn has nothing at all to do with my opinion on this.
all day every day...its school holidays.
if i didn't work and we were just scraping by, i would make sure as hell that the sole income earner of the family had a reasonable space to work.
that's one lady's story and income...
I have a separate space. My point was that while we were doing renos and I didn't, we made it work with respect. But I've been in my profession for decades. I started my career in a studio apartment struggling financially.
The OP obviously doesn't have space at the moment so she needs to be considerate of her partner. Firstly because he has responsibilities and secondly because those responsibilities are paying their bills. It takes time to get ahead and they're obviously in earlier stages. They'll get their too... But right now they need to think of the bigger picture. They won't have a house to be quiet in if he loses his job.
How long does he plan to work from home? If its only temporary, I would grin and bare it. If it's long term I would be having a serious chat with him about how the situation is just not working for you and the kids. If he doesn't listen I would be considering living on my own with the kids. They are being treated like an inconvenience and that is going to have an affect on them as they grow older.
I grew up in a home where my dad did nightshift regularly because it paid well and he didn't have much education.
We learnt to be quiet inside and could be louder in the backyard.
My mum never complained, she appreciated my father working hard and she taught us to be respectful of his sleep.
They respected each other, appreciated each other and installed the same values in their children. Perfect. Some of the comments on here are really selfish.
"He works from home, so I don’t even get the break from him. He’s in my space..."
So even when it's not school holidays and he is busy working, you can't coexist in the same house?
I bet he isn't as harsh about the noise with the kids as you are saying...
Or he really is difficult and she's finding it hard to be around him after having space when he was working away? There's no way to know. She could be in an abusive relationship for all anyone here knows but everyone assumes she's in the wrong and he's a perfect man.
He could be an asshole. But what he's asking for in this circumstance would be his employer's expectations. Obviously they need a bigger house so that he can be in a private area and the rest of the house can go about their lives. But since that's not an option, accommodations are required by the family because the employer's expectations won't change. Gender is not remotely a part of this chat.
I can't believe she has the luxury of being a stay at home parent when her kids are at school and complains that he is working from home and even working too hard.
She doesn't mention he's an asshole, but maybe you are right, but she does mention he works too much and she feels alone, so I don't think he's in her face all day. Maybe it's a really tiny house? If I were her, I would take advantage of the school days and maybe cook him lunch, make him stop for a break and have a kid free chat, reconnect as partners, not parents.
My husband works from home and it was a nightmare with the kids, but we converted the garage into an office for him so he's got his own space yet still at home where he needs to be.
In saying that my husband still comes in and makes a coffee, gives our girls a cuddle, check in. Maybe a open conversation where you both try and hear each other, it gets tricky when you both think you are the one suffering most.. I learnt that the hard way
Take a step back breathe and communicate cause you both have valid points in your own wat.
Just know you are not alone. My husband starting working from home during Covid and continues to do so. It is difficult to live in a house with someone who you can’t communicate with. I will make a comment and get shushed because he is on the phone. Even when walking around the house or in the kitchen. I feel like I’ve stopped talking now because I don’t want to be shushed. I don’t know what the answer is sorry.