Hi!
My partner and I have been together 4 years. We’re a blended family with 4 kids all in primary school. We do week on week off and It’s a very busy household when it’s our week on with the kids.
My partner doesn’t cook and doesn’t plan. Doesn’t plan most things. Leaves birthdays, Christmas’ etc to the very last minute. Before getting together I was a single mum for a long time, studying and working and had very little money. So when things like birthdays and Christmas’ or Easter or what have you were coming up I would plan way in advanced so my kids didn’t miss out. So I would do birthday shopping a little here and a little there if I had left over money at the end of the week and accumulate gifts for everything through out the year or pay off holidays. Hes very much leave it to the week of and if there’s any money left over then they’ll get a present other wise it’s a $5 cheap toy from Kmart. Things like groceries as well, I’ve always done a weekly or fortnightly shop because I was paid fortnightly and had to meal plan every little thing to make sure it got us through. He just bought food on the day, tuck shop most days for his kids and take out for dinner because he doesn’t cook.
That’s the back story. Now we’ve moved in together, it’s been over a year, and as you can imagine 4 kids and 2 adults the groceries are insane and I have a healthcare back ground and don’t like feeding my kids take away every night. So I meal plan, do groceries, make the breakfasts, make the lunches and cook the dinners. (He’s not useless, he’ll help chop things and pack them in the lunch boxes, cook the meat for dinners and clears the table, does the dishes on his own back, I don’t ever really have to ask for him to contribute to the household, he’s amazing). But I do all the planning, I know what all the kids like in their lunches, what will be eaten etc.
He often does make comments about me being a “control freak” because I have a meal plan for dinners and plans for lunches. He knows I purely do this so the groceries are within our budget but he keeps saying I’m controlling because I meal plan, or have the towels and pyjamas ready for after thier showers, or lay out school uniforms the night before, or encourage the kids in the morning the make their beds.
Is it controlling? I feel like I’m just being organised. I think I’m being a good mum. But he says it’s the stuff of control freaks. I left it up to him one week (I had Covid really bad that turned into a chest infection) and we spent nearly $1000 in Uber eats because he didn’t shop for food and the kids had tuckshop everyday.
6 Replies
You are just doing normal mum things, None of these things are controlling. It's called running a house and good financial management.
You are completely incompatible, in all facets of life. You should have been able to properly assess him in 3 years, these are flaws you can't hide that long. So god knows why, but you proceeded and here you are. You have two choices: the right one, end it or continue on making each other miserable. When you try to change someone, even for the better, the other party does tend to see it as controlling.
It’s not a point of argument. We don’t argue over it, we’re not degrading each other over meal plans, they’re more off hand comments. The kids love each other and we have every other thing in common, spend the majority of our time laughing and work as a team in the household so ending it and devastating the kids over meal plans and differences in organisation is a bit silly. I just wanted to know if I was genuinely over the top compared to the average household parent because of the comments he makes.
If you thinking I'm saying end it over meal plans, I can see why you proceeded, you aren't particularly insightful.
You're one year in, come back after 5 years of this irresponsible behaviour and tell us how you feel.
Ok, so he is willing to spend A THOUSAND DOLLARS on uber eats over a period of one week. He literally refuses to grocery shop or cook, even whilst you're too unwell to do so but you're worried that you might be the one who's over the top for having a modicum of forethought and organisation?!
Surely you don't actually believe that you're the one whos out of pocket in this scenario!
Meal planning, cooking, grocery shopping on a reasonably regular basis, planning ahead for birthdays and Xmas and having kids make their own beds is pretty basic parent shit, I'd call that bare minimum in fact! Laying out uniforms or pjs is not something I ever did for my school aged kids but I still don't think that's over the top!
I'm sorry but your partner sounds juvenile as hell, I would not be impressed about snide "control freak" comments, even if he's being jovial. You're carrying a huge portion of the mental load and he's giving you shit for it.
Maybe he thinks that you do some of these things because others can't do it for themselves? My kids can get their own pajamas and towels and they can also get their own clothes in the morning. Afterall, they folded and put them away. If it's light hearted and doesn't bother you, I'd move on with my life and take this post down. If it's not joking or has an undertone you don't like, talk to him. I think I see what he's saying, but I think it's awesome and bet your house runs like clockwork