I’m really struggling with my 8 (nearly 9 year old) son. He has gone from a sweet boy, who on occasions would play up (like most children) to being almost unbearable to be around. He is constantly back chatting, annoying/stirring his sister (beyond normal sibling arguments), being rude (to us and everyone else), back chatting. He gets consequences everytime (time out, no iPad, no tv, no treats, misses out on after school activities), as well as talking about his behaviour but it doesn’t change anything.
It’s to the point we don’t even want to be around him, or take him anywhere. His behaviour is embarrassing.
Tv time is about 2hours a day, iPads are only for weekends, he has two after school activities during the week. We spend the other afternoons outside in the pool, or yard all together as a family, and weekends are usually camping/kayaking/fishing/hikes together.
Is there a developmental growth happening? Any tips that has worked?
8 year old son behaviour
8 year old son behaviour
Posted in:
Kids
9 Replies
Have you tried asking him why he is behaving like this? How does it make him feel? Help him understand what's going on for him. He might be experiencing anxiety and it's manifesting into poor behaviour but it might be the only way he knows how to navigate? Tired? In pain? Overwhelmed? Hormones?
My son's a little younger and will go through periods of where his behaviour becomes absolutely unbearable and embarrassing! It's usually a sign he has another ear infection so he's in pain and feeling like crap so he acts out. We've been teaching him when he gets those feelings more positive ways he can communicate it to us - I.e "I feel grumpy because I have an earache". When my sons behaviour does spike I generally remove him if he is unable to control those big outbursts and explain he's welcome to come back and join us once he's had his moment to himself and he will go off into his bedroom. During this time I never go and try and talk to him, I wait until he comes back and joins us (usually 3-10mins later) and again I don't carry it on, it's just a whole cool you're ready to join us again. I really push going and taking 5-10mins alone in your room to just have a mental break (I need it as an adult so I'm sure kids need it too) such an awesome tool when those big overwhelmed feelings kick in to just be in a safe space and let it all out (without it effecting everyone in the house). I found taking things off my son or restricting tv/tablet time had absolutely no help to the situation. We have lots of conversations about feelings/behaviour and what's appropriate at home vs in public ect and we practice what we preach (which is a little learning curve). We have a rule that whenever someone is angry/grumpy and others can feel it or are on the recueving end of it that we have to say "I'm angry because I stepped on a toy and it hurt and I had asked you more than once to pick them up" also asking for 5-10minutes of pure silence when anyone needs it and set a timer so young ones no when it's time to start talking again. Just some ideas of things that have worked for us. Good luck! It doesn't last forever xx
Around this age, boys get a testosterone surge which can result in pushing boundaries. As a teacher, I see this happen a lot at this age. Some parents have found "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph helpful. Maggie Dent also has a lot of useful and practical information. I think this is definitely a "it's them, not you" situation!
Is he overstimulated/scheduled and tired? Do you ever stay home on the weekend and just relax, where he doesn't have to be outside doing physical exercise? Just in his room on his own? Does he have his own private space where he doesn't have to interact siblings?
If I lived in your house, I would go insane. I need down time, especially on weekends.
You can read from my post I’m clearly a Mum who is struggling at the moment and instead of giving helpful advice you decide to reply anonymously unhelpful and nasty!
There is actually a lot of down time. Nothing is forced onto him at all. He chooses to go outside for a swim every afternoon, he wants to do soccer and scouts as after school activities, (my other child does no after school activities, because they don’t want to).
Last Sunday we spent the whole day in pj’s and had a movie/iPad because that’s what they asked for.
He has his own room, and also spends time in there playing with his Lego or reading books.
Kids asking to stay home, which isn't the norm btw, it's usually the other way around, because an outing is usually a treat in most homes, must be a pretty good indicator to you that maybe they need a few down time weekends, amongst the hiking, canoeing etc. You're doing an amazing job by the sounds of it, but its also good for kids to learn to amuse themselves and stay home and relax a bit. I had a friend, always on the go, loved to always be active/socialise on weekends and when the kids became 12/13, they used to ask to just stay home for a bit. We are all different, have different needs, i guess as our kids get older, they can better voice their opinions. It's good that yours told you that, so you can maybe tweak the way you live your life and be mindful of their needs.
Have you considered going to a paediatrician, to rule out any underlying issues? Also, have you ruled out any problems at school like bullying or struggling with school work affecting his self-esteem? Even hearing/sight test? Yes, boys get testosterone surges at certain times, but this sounds a lot more extreme than that. My son (17) over the years has been moody, sullen, a bit more aggressive with the way he speaks, a bit of an a-hole at times, but we have always been able to pull him back into line and certainly not to a point where we don't want to be around him or take him anywhere. I would start with the GP and go from there.
What you say is the norm, isn’t the ‘norm’ for everyone. We discuss our weekend plans during the week and it is led by what our children want to do. Some weekends they want to chill at home, or go to library etc, most weekends they want to kayak, fish, bike ride, go on the boat and explore new places. No after school activity is forced and if they they asked to stay inside and chill after school then we would have tv the on and chill.
If you ask your kids every week what they want to do on the weekend, maybe your kid is just plain spoilt? Maybe he thinks he rules the roost and needs to be brought down a peg or two? Maybe don't give your kids so much power to dictate your lives. Maybe less activities, less of everything for a while.