I'm looking for advice from mums who've actually experienced this. Not advice on how I should feel...
I have two kids of the same gender and when I found out the second was going to be the same gender I was extremely disappointed. Of course I love that child no matter what but it's always stuck with me this wish that I'd had one of each. The second child is now 3 years old and one thing that has just never left me is feeling so triggered by pregnancy announcements that are for the gender I longed for. Then of course the guilt that follows that I'm not "grateful enough" for what I do have.
Sometimes I feel fine about it all then someone announces they're pregnant and it all comes back. It's happened today and I've spent an hour crying...
Will this ever go away, will it ever finally fade. Or is this just something I will carry forever. Has anyone been through this and can tell me if it ever gets easier.
Not an option to have more kids I won't do it and risk the disappointment of having another of the same gender.
8 Replies
I'm not being smart, but a great way to combat this would be to volunteer at a paediatric ward at a hospital, or if you have a Ronald McDonald house close to you, they always need volunteers.
If you work, a couple of hours on the weekend would do it.
One of my kids and I have unfortunately spent a significant amount of time in these places, it will truly show you how the other half lives.
Trust me, it will bring you that gratitude you are seeking, whilst helping others, win/win.
These experiences have also shown me, the people with the most struggles/problems, seem to be the most grateful.
I don't know why, it just seems that way.
Another one that puts things into perspective, imagine you are diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow will three months to live (it happens).
How annoyed would you be with yourself that you spent the last 3 years being disappointed when all you can think about is enjoying every precious moment you have left with your girls.
I think most of the time gender disappointment stems from gender stereotypes. People get this idea in their heads about what it would be like to have a son or a daughter, which usually looks something like dressing baby girls up like dollies or creating a mini best friend to take shopping. On the opposite side of that, it might look like wanting this rough and tumble little boy who loves smashing his trucks through the mud and playing sports...
So I think that's really worth exploring with yourself, considering why you want a child of this gender so badly and seeing whether some of that can be unpacked or if you can find some sense of closure.
Ultimately I think the best way to not be affected by this disappointment so deeply is to focus on and celebrate the two children you have for the wonderful, amazing, unique little people they are!
I am the daughter my mother desperately wanted, however I did not meet her expectations and that didn't work out too well for either of us. Just to give you one more bit of food for thought...
I genuinely hope you find some inner peace and acceptance 💜
I have 5 daughters and I would have loved a boy but I can assure you it does go away. I focus on the positives. They can share bedrooms and clothes etc. Hopefully they will all be pretty close when they are older too, which sometimes doesn’t happen if it’s one of each gender.
It does stick a little in the back of my mind but I think more curiosity than anything, I wonder if I had a son what he would look/be like, if that makes sense?
I have 4 boys and I thought that my youngest would be a girl. I was a bit disappointed and then he arrived and I cannot fathom my life with a different child. For your sake, I would seek help from a professional to help you along the way. You deserve happiness x
I used to work at an aged care home and I've heard stories of regret by the residents...but I've never heard a single person say they regretted not having more kids or not having a boy or girl. So yes, it does go away.
This is something for therapy. Cannot emphasise this enough. There have been so many people who have had three girls and then a boy or vice versa, so definitely does not mean the next child would be another girl..
This is something where you need to change your line of thinking. You need to explore and get to the bottom of why it is so important to you for you to have a boy?? Or why you are not satisfied with girls?? There is something there?? Disappointed yes, but the level of grief you are experiencing is something else..
It is not about gender but about the little people you have that love you unconditionally and believe me, no matter what gender they all have different personalities.
Please explore this with a therapist for both yourself and your child 💗
Be grateful you could have two kids. The disappointment of not being able to complete your family the way you want is perfectly acceptable but we have to find a way to move forward and be happy with what we have. I have gotten over the fact that I can’t have another child. I embrace what I have and feel grateful and lucky because some people can’t have any. Maybe some counselling will help deal with a way to move forward.