2 homed Parents that share their teenagers
Separated 9 yrs with my 13 and 14 yr old.
Used to have 50 50 care for yrs up until late last year where an inncident happened at their dads house, making me have the kids 100%.
Since they have been with me full time , dad no longers coparents w me at all but communicates every single thing plan pickup where kids will be , calls them to pick them up straight away for what ever he has planned even if we are in middle of something.
No respect no consideration , just them 3 doing as they wish leaving me unknown, frustrated,disrespected, just the house and onky good if they want something.
Huge breakdown of communication with dad, and he vents to the kids about it dragging them into adult stuff. I tell him they are kids dont bring them into issues between us that frankly hes cause of by not communicating to me about the kids, plans etc.
My youngest is highly anxious and shakey and tells me to message him nicely saying please etc which i already do!! I get annoyed shes trying to parent me !! I tell her dont listen to his rants shes a kid and to tell him to stop and communicate issues with me not her . She wont say that protecting him thinking hes right.
I am highly stressed and over being treated like shit. I get no help from dad while i have 100 % care, but zero consideration around any topics to do witg our 2 kids . I am hating every dayband wonder why i bother anymore.
I have a baby on my own aswell. Which is busy enough juggling bub and teenagers who disrespect me often.
1 had spent $ which i gave oldest for groceries and she got lippy saying why is it her prob getting them. I made her walk home from school that day , which shes done before voluntarily... anyway dad got wind of that and picked her up overriding my plan and punishment. I told him why but he is disney dad saving the day. Disrespecting me.... again.
If i ground or stop them doing something socially as they have done something wrong,they will just get dad on side ignoring my choices.
Its all left me thinking wtf why am i bothering.
I dont get to parent my way in my house and he intrudes.
I have had to pick up pieces of last yrs stuff that made them be with me 100% .
I'm treated like nothing so i am considering them going to dad 100% and me getting fun 2nd weekend times where i can be disney mum.
I just feel like giving up and just focus on baby.
I feel like shit considering my teenagers being mostly living with dad. I just need to recover too from them treating me like shit. Its mentally draining and i never know when they are to be quickly picked up by disney dad etc no weekends no fun for me just left in constant stress.
I'm solo too so no support from anyone. No support from father,co parent who doesnt give a shit. Likes to alienate me and get girls on side witg his crap :/
Lost. Sad. Anxious. Out of control. Hurt mum who wants things to be better.
Whos made the choice if having kids go to other parent full time ?
I know it will break me this situation already has.
Will my kids hate me forcing them out to get a reality check living with dad what they will miss from here. Will they hate me forever or realise later it was needed for them to learn or understand why?
19 Replies
Could you try going through mediation to get some issues sorted out and ground rules put in place? If you manage to get them to go because they love making you look like the bad guy while they are the perfect parent so they try and do it all perfectly if a third party is involved. Keep reminding your kids why you have 100% care of them, I assume it's something he did to cause that. Be honest with them. Communicate with them when they are in good moods, try and build your relationships with them. If he comes to "save the day" again say don't bother coming home until you can finish the punishment.
Depends what the incident was, you shouldn't endanger your kids to teach them a lesson.
i assume it wasn't too bad as you are still letting him have them?
Why not go back to 50/50 rather than giving him 100%.
He may stop interfering and things could go back to normal.
You could make the choice to set up getting rid of him entirely. He has no right to call and pick them up on your time. He gets court ordered visits or he fucks off. Wouldn’t your life be easier once you got rid of him?
Probably easier said than done with teenagers. Not the OP but there's many ways to contact someone now and teenagers know them all. They are the ones organising it. He also seems to just be picking them up and dropping them off which the courts or police wouldn't do anything about.
He can’t do it. You can’t just call the kids and pick them up whenever you want just because you’re a parent. They’re in her care. You explain to the kids what he needs to do if he wants to parent, and you explain to them, and him, the consequences, and put your foot down. It’s Easy to think it’s impossible and noone will do anything, but that’s also the mindset that holds you back - set rules and be assertive, what he’s doing is not ok and you’ll all be better off when he’s not doing it.
They are not listening to Mum, they have no respect for her and rebel against her. Iys easy for you to say he can't do it and she just needs to talk to them. Clearly that's not going to work in this situation.
Yes they are not listening to mum, that is exactly the problem. The solution may be easier to say than for her to do, it is still the solution.
What happened for them to be with you 100%? That would help to answer this. For all we know he shouldn't be anywhere near them so it's a bit hard for us to say yes send your kids there! Get what I mean?
Incident where step kid to them whos known them since 6 yrs old and they were 3 and 5 and now 15 yrs was caught filming them in bathroom. So instantly i got them 100% from then. Original parenting plan of 50 50 and court ordered became void because of safety issues.
One would stay every few weekends an.odd night here or there.
Stepkid not at dads home while they visited.
But whos to say with week on week off again he wont plant cameras etc again.
Theres meant to be safety plan in place. I want to see it and i think i have right to.
I am concerned bigtime. Dad smses they are safe there. Thats all he says..werent safe last yr !
He manipulates them into getting what he wants. They dont see it.
I have said dont come get em when ever as its rude and i dont do it to him and constantly phone them many times day and night checking in and keeping them fixated on him and ignoring me in my house.
Its shit
I dont know what to do. No order so cant force anything but he does through their phones
I think you need to get the ball rolling for an order asap. Was it reported to police? You need to get legal advice.
I can't believe you have no order, didn't got to CPS or haven't sought legal/police advice and are still sending them.
What are you teaching those kids? That it's not a big deal.
Have they seen a psychologist?
Probably not as they are mandatory reporters.
Sorry you need to get your shit together and take action, not send them to live there full time.
Why do you bother? Because they are your kids.
You chose to have another baby and end up a single mum again, that's on you.
Also, aren't you the least bit concerned or seeing any red flags regarding the shakey/nervous child who is afraid you will upset dad? Far out, what's going on there? And you just tell her to tell him to talk to me about it.
FFS you're so focused on yourself, you can't see what's right in front of you and you want to punish them and send them there.
They're manipulated, scared, wanting to please dad, isn't that strange to you?
You have to wonder where the step-child got the idea about the filming.
So many red flags and the whole post is poor me.
This makes me sick to my stomach.
At least get the anxious scared one to a psychologist, maybe she will open up.
I think not wanting to do YOUR grocery shopping on foot (it's different walking to school with a bag on your back versus carrying shopping home) is the least of your worries, geez.
What else do they have to do for you?
I find it really strange that he still has that step child come to his house. Most Dads wouldn't have him there after that.
Police and all respective authorities have been involved thanks for trying to say nothings being done! It has!
Councelling, yes! Does it help? No!
Tried different councellors? Yes!
The father is a narc manipulator. He micro manages everything to get his way.
Sneaks around to communicate to their phones bypassing my phone to communicate to me their mum.
I have told him keep his ranting to the kids away from them, he says he will keep doing it . Which forces children to hear and put up with adult co parent ( or lack of ) issues which arent fair for them to hear.
It causes stress, anxious 12 yr old.
I say to her tell him stop. Talk to mum. I'm saying that because his rants are upsetting her and hes forgetting its abusing them.
I try give advice to overcome it but she wont tell him. She likes to be piggy in the middle and try tell me i am wrong. Shes brainwashed.
No ones perfect. I offer idea of mediation, family councelling to the dad, he refuses... we have done it 9 yrs ago , he didnt like it they told him how and what he did was against kids rights, he'd storm out.
I offer trying to resolve things from outside avenues, denies it. Prefers this rubbish.
12 yr old is against councelling even though i explained its to fix things and help up navigate this breakdown through us all.
How is trying to mend it in various ways bad ?? At least i am trying!!!! This is shit.
Obviously step son is not at dads house when girls are there.......
If a parent alienates ignores and drags kids into the shit fight, how the hell can i fix it ??
As for step son allowed to be at the fathers house, hes married and chose wife and step son over the girls. Of course i had girls 100% from incident, it was meant to be until he found somewhere else to live while 50 50 care was to resume with dad, but dad got comfortable wife wife and step son and plans changed and he no longer cared about girls 50 50 he decided his life he created with wife and son was more valuable than girls needs of both parents.
I might sound like i am angry or jealous i'm not, i'm hurt the girls were treated like they did wrong and i had to adapt so he got to choose his life his way as most males do. Mums the one who cop the shit and society tells us we are shit and dads can step out and thats expected. Yuck. Its very sad.
Now hes in their ear loving drama and ignoring my concerns. So i've simply had enough. Its the saddest decision and hardest i have ever made but enoughs enough and things need to change or at least space is needed for now to all get our heads together. I feel like i have given up but my mental states important also. Might seem selfish to read but i've put myself past for ever and just being taken for granted and abused. Yes a baby is my choice so what? Shes family and with teenagers they are part of family and can help contribute like tiny shops to help each other. Its not MY job its our job to co exist as a FAMILY !
More about you, you, you.
Okay, so you can have a rest, send them back to dad's 100% with their predator step-brother.
Explain to them you need some "me" time and that they are just too difficult.
Be the disney every second weekend parent that you so want to be.
They don't need counselling, they need a child psychologist.
I don't believe you've involved authorities, as there would be an agreement/order in place and you could go to them when he is breaking it.
Good luck.
Do you take the car when you buy groceries or do you walk home with the bags?
Get therapy for yourself, but don't give up on your kids.
Redirect your anger for your ex to helping you kids.
Get orders and protection in place for them.
The teenagers are old enough to have choices and therefore consequences.
Sit them both down, lay out your rules clearly with the option to live with their dad. If they choose dad, so be it. If they choose you, so be it. Don't make them feel bad or guilty for whatever choice they make. No matter how they treat you, you still need to be the parent both mentally and emotionally.
Someone once told me - if you let them go, they will come back.
I have 2 teenagers and one pre teen with my ex husband. Both teenagers have gone and come back a few times because their dad is a narcissistic a hole. I let my kids choose. My oldest two were easily bought at that age and went to their dads. Pre teen has much more logic and common sense. So they've always stayed with me.
Guess what, I now have a really close relationship with my teens. They know I'm with them and love them no matter what. We get along, we laugh and we cuddle. 90% of the tension has dissipated. It's hard at the start, but it gets better. Just work on your personal relationship with them each as individuals. Teenagers are damn hard. You can parent less while parenting more believe it or not.
It's not all punishments and doom and gloom. You need to earn the respect from them as upcoming adults. Show them what they need to give. It will come.
As for the ex, the kids will grow out of his bs.
So did your kids have an older male step sibling that secretly filmed them in the shower?