I have an IVO against my ex, and he is currently on a good behaviour bond with several criminal charges pending. He has court ordered dinners with our 13 year old son once per week, and much to my dismay the court agreed to one night per fortnight for our son to stay over. Our 17 year old daughter has nothing to do with her father, for very valid reasons.
He can be charming and well behaved at times, but not for long periods and there is a “Jeckyl and Hyde” personality. He has proven in court recently that his ability to regulate his anger is now much more difficult…. even yelling and getting aggressive at the judge. But that’s another story.
My dilemma…. Our son is in year 7 and wants to invite 2 of his friends over to his fathers house for an “election party” (we are in Vic) because it falls on dads weekend. These are new friends from high school, so the parents have no idea what happened to us. I cannot control what happens at his fathers house, and have explained that I cannot be the one to organise it, he needs to sort it with his father and his mates.
Although I can’t control what happens there, I’m torn between a moral obligation to disclose this information to his mates parents (and let them make an informed decision), and keeping out of it, given that my ex could be fine, he wants to meet them. I don’t want to poke the bear.
I am interested in opinions, but also if anyone else has a similar experience.
IVO and kids play date dilemma
IVO and kids play date dilemma
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Men's Business, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids, Teenagers
9 Replies
The only reason your son spends the night is because it's court ordered. That's pretty much your answer there...
If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want someone to tell you the person who'd just invited your kid for the night has an IVO and 13 pending criminal charges?
I most definitely would and I think most parents would agree.
I would not tell the other parents anything. This could affect your son at school and making friends as other parents run around warning their parent friends about your son's parent. It could really backfire. I have an aggressive ex as well and although he has been even violent towards me and other adults my kids friends think he's great because like yours he can put on a good show. I also know he wouldn't do anything to them. I just see no benefit to telling the other parents. There's also a risk of him befriending the other parents and all they see is a nice guy while you give off Amber Heard vibes because they can't see what you've seen. Which is what happened to me when I tried to warn other people about what my ex was like.
I just want to add I think it's really cool he's having an election party, my youngest is into politics but has nobody to share that with he would love that lol.
I would agree with you until he couldn’t self control in front of a judge, to my mind it means he us losing his ability to maintain the front…
Not really, it can be brutal and emotions and anxiety are sky high, not a good mix for someone with anger issues. A lot of people lose it in there
I would disclose. The hardest thing I found was trying to live a decent life while he kept on doing bullshit. To me, in front of people, strangers who could be colleagues, around the kids friends. It’s harder in high school to know the parents, but I would advise I’m not supportive of it.
However, would they send their kid to a strangers house? If they ask who he is would they find out he has his son one night a fortnight and the daughter doesn’t go. That’s enough really for the cogs to start clicking…
I would also chat to your kid about the impacts of those kids being in his house while he goes off, and he hasn’t warned them of the history that he knows. Imagine his friend did it to him. He has a responsibility too.
When I was roughly your son's age I went to a friend's birthday sleep over.
All was going well until until her dad came down into the rumpus room and lost his absolute shit at us. It wasn't just a telling off or anything either, it was full on abusive, psychotic rage.
It was completely unwarranted as well, it was only about 10pm and aside from a bit of low key giggling and chatting we weren't doing anything wrong. It was like he just turned.
Not only was it traumatic to us girls who were not accustomed to adults behaving that way but my poor friend was left deeply embarrassed by the ordeal. All the local parents ended up hearing about what had happened so they stopped letting their kids go over to my friend's house, some made their kids stop talking to her altogether. My friend's school life suffered as a result.
It reads as if you know the parents in your situation so I think you should enlighten them. As your son's primary caregiver I feel like it's important for you to build a good relationship with his mate's parents. They need to trust that you've got their kid's best interests at heart.
What they do with the information you give them up to them.
I would make sure your son has all the other parent's phone numbers saved in his phone, so if the Dad kicks up a stink, the friends can call their parents if they don't have their own phone.
I'm on the fence because while my own father was extremely volatile (never physical, he just screamed a lot) he was always the "fun Dad" in front of everyone else. All my friends loved him & would go to him for advice in their teen years. And he'd be the one we could all ring drunk in a paddock in the middle of the nignt.
Abusers are so often like this - just perfect in front of everyone else. So no-one was ever in any danger being around him.
No-one believed my Mum or me when we spoke up.
It's such a hard thing.
That’s still not a situation you want to encourage. You don’t want him involved at all, and the best way is to nip it early before connections are made. Zero contact.