I have a work colleague I get along with really well. Never any issues between and he makes a great partner at work-person I’d choose out of anyone on the team to work aside when needed. Outside of work it’s the far and few in between catch ups after work or a message here and there nothing more. Now his ex wife also works on the team. I find her great. When I started she was my trainer and I’ve never had any issues with her, never any need though from either of us to have a message or catch up outside of work. My issue is now I’m coming to light about how he was abusive in their relationship (physical- bruising, knocked teeth out etc), not from her nor gossip more just been around long enough to pick up bits and bobs and have heard bits from other teams speak about it before I was in this team (I believe it’s not rumours and he has done what I’ve heard the gossip of- him and her manage to work in team with no issues)
I enjoy his company (purely work friendship nothing more) more than her (nothing against her just don’t gel as comfortably- I adore her as a person) everytime I do enjoy our work friendship I feel extremely guilty being a “friend” with someone who has a history of abusing their partner (or anyone). I don’t know exactly what I’m asking more just how to accept that I actually like this person (friend wise) that has assaulted other people.
My friend has been a abusive to others in the past and I feel guilty being their friend.
My friend has been a abusive to others in the past and I feel guilty being their friend.
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3 Replies
I actually have pulled right back from two friendships after finding out a bit about their true colours.
One I'd been shown some screen shots of them hurling disgustingly racist, threatening and generally abusive comments towards strangers in some Facebook groups.
The other, it came to light that she'd been physically violent with her husband many times and she also had a few assault charges after having violent alterations with a cashier and some dude in a car park.
I got along famously with both these people but I just couldn't in good conscience support their behaviour. I can't have a relationship with someone who's moral code doesn't align with mine, it doesn't work.
Given that you work closely with this guy, cutting him off entirely isn't going to be appropriate and I also do think you need to be cautious about believing workplace gossip but I do think that you should keep your relationship strictly professional from now on.
It's nothing to do with work what happened in their relationship and I don't think that should impact how you get along with someone while you're working. I'm sure he's paid the price for his actions already. If we all kept our distance from people who have fd up then we wouldn't have too many people that we talk to. Base your friendship on how he treats you and interacts with you.
People change.
I was a terrible person in my late teens to mid twenties. I did what I knew and coming from a dysfunctional background myself, what I knew was shit.
When I experienced better (and how sad is it that I got to my mid 20's before I experienced better!) I wanted to be better so I learned better. If noone ever had anything to do with me because of who I was back then I'd have noone to be better FOR now. So I'd be in a body bag, noone would miss me being gone and those toxic douchebags that fucked me to start with -we'll they'd win from the start of my life to its dismal end.
I could understand it if he was still that person and you learned he was doing those things now, but not in this situation.