Be kind as I have only just found out my seemingly very shy and quiet Yr 8 girl has been sneaking out and this is new to me and I am quietly petrified and crazy mad at her for making these choices and deceit.
Due to her sudden behaviour changes lately (she told me to “F-off”) I have confiscated her phone. She has continually been sneaking it back and we discovered this tonight when we did a screen time check.
She has locked us out of the phone (which was a non-negotiable), so hubby and I have gone through her messages…
It appears a boy is the flavour of the month and they went to the park nearby late one night last week. She told me she didn’t like him when he introduced himself to me and soon told me his parents give him condoms and he is out most nights…
She turned off locations on her phone and took the alcohol and he the drugs. Her older sister covered for her. I am at a complete loss.
My innocent little girl is lying and stealing and putting herself in danger. I had complete trust in her and she is a great kid - good grades and very respectful.
I want to scream, I want to shake her - we live in a crime area where every other night cars are stolen!
So, brains trust… do I:
😬Stay quiet and get security cameras and bust her that way. (We have alarm systems now but she turns them off obviously.)
😬confront her with her dad and ask what’s going on.
😬 move to the country
Never thought I would be in this position… devastated
9 Replies
Or plan D.
You stay up. You bust her. Big time. And teach her consequences of her actions. Take her phone away permanently and start her in couselling or youth groups.
There’s obviously something happening that’s make her act this way, you need to find the root of the cause.
Plan E.
Put her on contraception, and give her leave way to have a later curfew. If she’s having sex and being dangerous start educating. Book a drs appointment and pop her with a needle in the arm (if she’s too untrustworthy not to sneak out, I’m doubting the effectiveness of oral contraception). Invite the boy over. If she’s going to defy you and have sex, at least she’s as safe as you can make her.
I do feel a doctors appointment would be beneficial as it does seem to be underlying mental health, but a referral to gyno maybe needed if she starts developing and vaginal problems.
Also; look at her influences. Is big sister doing something the same but not getting caught? Who are her friends at school? Are they doing the same? Or is some YouTube star her influence? I’d be paying close attention to who is in her life and just ensuring your role modeling behaviours to her, and making yourself available for body safety talks, cuddles and chats.
Get her to a child psychologist ASAP and they can speak with her and sort through her problems and help her understand the dangers. If my kids ever touched drugs, I would actually move them away. You get one chance at this. I wouldn’t risk it.
Friend her location and Ring the police and say she snuck out. Hopefully she gets the scare of her life
So, after discussing it with a level headed friend who has had teenagers rebel, we opted to discuss the situation calmly, explaining how it made us feel - fear disappointment etc.
As a consequence, she had to choose a family group (or Nan or Gran & Grandad, or a close family for us to tell. This was the bomb as she deliberated and tried to negotiate her way out of telling them. The shame of that loved one/s know and thinking less of her are her up the night she had to decide.
We felt this would be a consequence that had impact and would gain traction more than “you’re grounded”, which could build more rebellion and resentment. Behaviours nowadays need to have limiting boundaries and unfortunately society have created a soft generation that knows little resilience or bounce back. We are trying to have a serious mind July that provides a negative core memory in her developing frontal cortex.
Wow, sounds like psychological torture, this isn't going to improve your bond with her, quite the opposite.
Did you get to the root cause of the behaviour or just shamed and tore her psychologically to shreds?
Poor kid, sounds like she needs professional help, not a couple of loonies playing psychiatrist/neuorologist.
PS Hope those family members told her they love her unconditionally and don't think less of her and if she ever needs anyone to talk to, they are there for her.
I have a feeling she is going to need it in the future.
Oh and FYI, my child is one of the most resilient kids you could ever meet.
Don't pedal your society bull shit here, we're mothers who raise our kids according to our standards, not society.
If your kids are soft, deal with it, but don't you dare label our kids.
Oh and your post doesn't make you sound enlightened or intellectual, just a dead set dickhead.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-you-shouldnt-shame-your-children-4089277
Discussed how the behaviour made YOU feel lol what about how she felt?
WTAF??!!
Try speaking to your child, why does she feel the need to sneak out? Why can't she come to either of you and talk about things?
You're shaming her outside the family as well?! Jesus, she will run the minute she can!
She's starting to find her way in this world and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like she's got any great role models to rely on.
Noone wants to be the uncool kid. If the others she's hanging out with are doing this, then it's a given that it's something she'll go with until she chooses not to.
Start with discussing and choosing birth control. Tell her it's not open slather to have indiscriminate sex but a back up plan to help protect her future.
Get her to talk to the school guidance officer. Being responsible for her own safety is paramount, recognising unsafe situations, not just for her but for her friends too. A weekly martial arts class wouldn't go astray if she agrees.
Get her involved in the community. New friends, responsibilities, self confidence, interests. Meeting people with purpose. They may all combine to build her up enough to realise the behaviours at the moment are those of a follower. From there she will see a bit more clearly that the behaviour she is following isn't in her best interests. We all know at this age friends are a million times more important than family. Punishing her for that is punishing her for being a teen, try encouraging her to keep her friends while NOT following with what they're doing. In time they'll either grow up too, or the friendships will drift apart.