I did it.
I had my first job interview after leaving my narcissistic partner. I was so freaking excited about the prospect of gaining employment after ten years of being a SAHM.
Boy did my happiness deflate the minute the interview started.
I have never felt more pathetic in my life, as I did in that interview.
Do you have any non family character references?
No. I have had no friends for 10 years. I only have online ‘friends’.
Do you have someone to look after your kids if they’re ill? Or will you have to take the day off?
No. I don’t have a single person in this town, outside of my ex, and I doubt he’d look after the kids, even if it were his day off. So yeah, I’d have to take the day off.
All these f**king questions about things I don’t have and can’t fulfil, because I’ve been isolated and made completely dependent on one person for over a decade.
It took every ounce of strength to not burst in to tears when I could see that the woman was obviously unimpressed with my answers (the above were what I was thinking, not what I actually said).
I burst in to tears the second I reached my car.
I’ve been crying on and off for around 12 hours so far, and it’s still so painful to think about.
How did I not realise what he’d done to me until that very moment?
Why did I not realise he was a narcissist until I told him we were over?
I understand why so many women go back to their narcissistic ex’s now.
But I won’t be one of them.
I just needed to vent, I’m sorry.
11 Replies
This is hard but use it as a check to build a village around you. Do your kids have friends? How old are your kids? Start building relationships with other parents and they will help you out - even school pick ups/drop offs.
References are hard because when doing reference checks I need to speak to someone who has worked with the prospective employee. Volunteer work.and any sort of experience counts so please even if you have worked somewhere years ago, try to reach out and find your connections there.
Hey! Chin up!
Firstly I think it's unprofessional of them asking how your children will be looked after, this is none of their business and shows that they are hesitant to employ single mums. I have had so many job interviews over the years and not one of them asked my marital status or if I had kids, they're actually not allowed to, so asking about care is another thing.
You can tell from a job interview if the place is a good place to work and honestly if they made you feel this bad then it's not a good place to work. An interview where you leave feeling like you kind of enjoyed it when the people were easy going and reassuring, that's when you know it's a good place to work. Think of it like a preview of the workplace and the people that you need to work for. You've clearly dodged a bullet because you could have been stuck with a judgemental cow peering at you like that all day if you got it. Take the whole experience to strengthen yourself for the next one!
Don't be so hard on yourself. I had a fantastic career, aced interviews etc. then circumstances meant I have become an SAHM for 5 years. Two years ago I had an interview & expected to ace it, as I used to - instead bombed. Badly.
My fabulous referees were too long ago & I wasn't prepared for a different industry line of questioning. I was devastated & really deflated. But, I realised I was not going about it correctly. I need to find jobs that are more suitable for now & possibly study. Practice newer interview techniques & even outfits.
You could start with applying at supermarkets, etc. or even cleaning. Enough to get a referee & job history. There's also free or subsidised courses for people who meet certain criteria. You're not defeated, just way out of your comfort zone & it takes adjustment. You have options.
FYI it's illegal for employers to ask you about your personal life, kids, childcare arrangements etc.
But you are missing one awesome detail here.. you went for an interview and you never learn until to go through these processes. You have learnt something for next time. Everyday is a learning curve. Be proud of yourself that you actually went for an interview. It doesn’t matter what you said etc. what matters is that you showed up! If I was Under your circumstances I probably couldn’t have done it. Be proud of yourself and don’t let your past control you anymore. Find another interview, relax, be very open and honest with them that you haven’t worked because you have been raising your child on your own but you are now ready to work. Tell them you are nervous. It always breaks the ice and you both relax and you will feel much better.
You smashed it it no matter what, coz you showed up!! Good job Mumma. Go smash the next one. This one prob wasn’t for you anyway. You got this! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself
Yep! And I know it’s hard but you are not pathetic , look at your situation and realise you’re doing it so tough, so so tough, and you’re doing it! Agree with everything you’ve said and stay strong! I now have kind of a village, some people sometimes, I still have no one to write as emergency contacts or to call to get the kids places or any of that, I don’t have the mental problems now though - so I don’t feel pathetic at all, it just is what it is, and I know I’m strong for doing it. Lots of us are doing it this way, it’s really not easy but it’s not as hard as it was!
And by the way yes - I have to take the day off when my kids are sick, injured or have Covid. No my work doesn’t shame me for that. Find a family friendly workplace and they’ll support you.
What she asked was inappropriate, sorry your first experience was like that but you seriously dodged a bullet.
I’ve been in the work force for 29 years and I was asked those questions by only one woman and against my better judgement I took the job.
It was pure hell.
She expected me to be married to the job, that’s why they ask those questions. This is what you would have been in for:
Texts constantly out side of work hours
The silent treatment for taking carers leave you’re entitled to, because your kids are sick
Expect you to bring sick kids to work
Giving you way too many tasks and expecting them to be done ASAP
Putting you down when she feels shit about herself.
Funnily enough, i met a woman who also applied for a job with that woman and after the interview, she withdrew her application. If only I were as clever.
You’ve popped the cherry now, broken the ice, dealt with probably the worst interviewer possible, thankfully you didn’t get the job and you are all the wiser for your next interview.
It’s not easy, you’ll get better each time.
You're not pathetic love, they are.
Don't be disheartened, keep trying in different industries. You may not get into your chosen field, you may end up where you never imagined yourself (me 20 years ago applying at the local meatworks), but you will fit in somewhere and every step in the right direction will get you to where you want to be in time.
Just don't give up, or he wins again.
What weird bloody questions! Most people struggle finding someone to look after their sick kids. That’s what FACS leave is for. Keep your head up. Sounds like it wasn’t meant to be.
WOW, those questions are illegal, and you probably saved yourself from going from a shit home life to a word professional one. Please don't let this one instance change your direction. You are worthy and will find a job that is good for you.
Can you maybe do a little bit of volunteer work whilst looking for a job? are the kids at school . Good luck thr most rest things in life are the ones we have to work the hardest for
Good on you for getting back out there! It is so hard and you have taken the first step.
It sounds like a crap place to work and you would be most unhappy there.
I wish you luck in finding your yourself again and your independence
You have left a narcissist. You escaped, you survived. That is something to be proud of every single day of your life. You are not pathetic at all. This lady broke the law by asking you about your kids. She is pathetic and you are so lucky you didn't get the job. You don't want to work for someone who is willing to break the law. Who knows what else she is doing that is dodgy.
You are a survivor and I am proud of you. You got this oxox