My friend screams at her young children
She does reach out for help to family and friends when it gets to the point of total breakdown, but I feel like everyone tip toes around her, I know I definitely do. She's the kind of person whom if you say the slightest thing she doesn't like, she'll rip your head off, cut you off, and I wouldn't put it past her to get vengeful.
What I am concerned about is 1) Her mental health and helping her to get better, and 2) Her children's safety; emotionally and possibly physically?
I'd like to say that I know she wouldn't hurt them. And I know she loves her kids. But the way she talks about the toddler is like she doesn't LIKE him (2 under 2, one toddler one infant)
I would hate to hear one day that she snapped and hurt herself or them or both, and knowing I sadly wouldn't be all that surprised.. I've seen her scream in her kids faces. She tries to be patient but it goes from "I hear that you're frustrated" to her screaming back at them mimicking their cries in such a nasty way, and escalating the situation massively to the point I won't take my own kids over there any more because I can't have them around that. I want to take her kids home with me and just cuddle them and tell them it's ok and its not their fault.. and that's just what I have seen, I'd hate to think what happens behind closed doors. I feel like it's a DV situation..
Shes told me 'jokingly' that she wants to strangle them, throw them in the bin, that they are the c word, these arseholes, and many other things, which some times we joke coz yes kids are hard, but other times it seems beyond and joke and there's massive red flags and my heart breaks for her and her kids. I see a lot of postpartum rage in her. I struggled with PPD and PP rage myself, so I can really empathise with her. But it's just gone too far now, it's really to the point of something needs to be done..
So what I'm asking is, what can I do? I don't want her to lose her kids, they just need her to get better. Her husband is there, knows what's going on, and is her main support system, but he works a lot. They seem to bounce of each other in the way that they both seem to have little patience for the kids.. I've never seen them physically hurt the kids. I have seen them love on and play with the kids. I know they love them. My friend needs help, but I don't want to do anything that makes it worse. To be completely honest, I am afraid of her myself. I can't imagine how her kids feel.
7 Replies
I would be making a report to child protection. They can reach out to them and help, if that means the kids go with someone else then so be it! Those kids need someone who will speak up for them. They will put a lot of things in place for mum as well
This sounds a lot like my mum. Literally down to the vengefulness, the inability to take even the slightest bit of criticism and how people walk on egg shells to avoid setting her off.
Let me just be straight, those kids need someone to advocate for them. My mum did snap and get physical occasionally but the emotional and verbal abuse is what tends to leave the scars. Your friend's kids are so little and they're absorbing so much aggression and lack of nurturing, it can't continue.
I'm an adult now but I've had so many people tell me "Oh we knew something wasn't right, we just didn't know what to do" or "it wasn't my place to say anything but I knew your mum struggled".
It's funny, my resentment lies more with those people - the people who knew but did nothing. My mother was actually diagnosed with a multitude of mental health conditions/disorders in her 50s which explains a lot about why she didn't cope and very little patience. Had that all been picked up a lot earlier, she probably would have coped a lot better and we'd have all been better off for it.
Report this to child services.
Your friend needs professional help that really is beyond what you or even her husband can give her (sounds like he needs some help too tbh).
Report her! She sounds selfish and horrible. If this was a man it would be abuse straight up and would have been reported by now not meaning by you but by anyone close that's witnessed this.
Please ring child protection and let them know that she needs support and you are worried for their safety. Mention the things here and ask for it to be anonymous.she is at her wits end, she needs a break, she doesn’t mean it but it’s how she deals and copes with it. She needs some support and coping skills from someone she will listen too.
Please make a call to child protection. No they will not just straight up take the kids! They are there to help.
I have had them called on me for the silliest thing out, they called me, spoke with me and we put help in place for all of us (I was struggling and accepted all the help)
Those kids can't speak up and they need someone to advocate for them.
Give her a break
Take the kids to yours on a regular basis and see if this helps any
If not you need to say something by means of how can we change this for her and the kids
Everyone is quick to ‘report her’ (much like the ‘leave him’ ones) but what does that do? Where will the kids end up? Together? Separated? With who? Tested better or worse? Does she have supportive parents or partner? Could you talk to them too and then it’s not just you trying to shoulder this by yourself.
Good luck
You need to start setting boundaries with your friend.
Say to them, hey, are you okay?
Have a chat to them as soon as possible, away from the children, and let them know that you have noticed the behaviors you are seeing and if there is anything they need from you to support them.
Then when you see it again call it out straight away.
I'd you let her do it around you, I'm sorry to say, but you are part of the problem. Don't turn a blind eye any longer. That child needs you to speak up.