Ok……sorry a bit long, met my partner 5 years ago, we live 1.5 hours apart, his more than I’ve ever expected, perfect except for his 11 year old ADHD daughter, won’t medicate her as paediatrician says don’t have to (that’s fine) but thinks nothings wrong.
She’s very socially awkward, hasn’t been bought up around other people at all except family, can’t talk to people, either sits alone and doesn’t talk or asks random questions to try and communicate, that’s fine but I want him to help her, she has barely any friends, they think she’s weird, she has an absolutely terrible diet, literally dry retchs any sort of salad, fruit or veg even when it’s the size of half a pea, his always making excuses for her, says she has sensory issues, I say but she can eat 20 sour straps with no hesitation.
We can’t have any sort of conversation without her interrupting, but when I talk she walks in between and says ‘dad……ummm, looks around and says why is the freezer so cold?’
Her mother isn’t on the scene much, he has 2 businesses so his parents have her a lot, I’ve tried to help when we’re together, but when her mother or grandparents have her they don’t want to help her, they do everything for her, make her breakfast while she sits on her iPad, they have to tell her all day and night what to do, I’ve stopped trying to help as it’s pointless when I’m with her the least and there’s no point if the help/guidance isn’t continued in each home.
I don’t want to loose him but……I just don’t know what to do, he has finally admitted this week she has ADHD, I’m like well deal with it, get her and everyone else some education on living with this! He says it’s fine 🤷🏼♀️
Partners ADHD daughter
Partners ADHD daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids
12 Replies
I couldn’t be with someone or respect someone who was so disinterested in what was going on for there child. It’s not about the child, it’s about the dad, being a shitty dad.
Sorry I’d cut and run. I feel terribly sorry for his daughter though. This doesn’t sound like ADHD, it sounds like autism to me. Either way, dad isn’t doing his job as a dad, and getting help for his daughter.
She could very well have sensory issues, sensory issues don’t make sense to the outside world, my son can eat raw chillies, whole onions, garlics and lemons, but things with a low flavour can make him gag and react badly.
Sadly no amount of pushing will get help for the child, and hopefully at some stage she will get some more help for herself.
I think there's a lack of understanding here, his child has issues that have obviously been diagnosed by professionals and you are trying to say differently. If he's only just told you she has ADHD after all this time then I guess he senses your negativity and lack of understanding. There may be more going on than you know. Let him and his family raise her the way they have been, they know her well.
I work with children, some have ADHD, I asked him to get her to a professional and go from there, The paediatrician says yes she has ADHD it’s up to you what do you want to do about it, he doesn’t want to medicate her because his brother was diagnosed 20+ years ago and the medication didn’t work, I have a lot of understanding which is why I’ve been trying to help, if she has a cold or is sick which is very often they medicate🤷🏼♀️, so why would you not want to medicate to help your child get though life a bit easier
The behaviours you described, besides the interrupting and random questions, will not be helped by medication. It is up to Dad and if she's not being a danger to herself or others and it's not keeping her back at school then she doesn't need it. Not all ADHD kids need medicating. She does sound as though she has a few autistic traits.
It’s not just Interrupting and random questions, there’s lack of concentration, shes fidgety and impatient, is very behind in school, can’t read well at all, can’t spell well, easily distracted, forgetful, struggles to focus, talks excessively, always loud.
I also thought autism, the paediatrician said ADHD so that’s all her dad went off.
I sounds like I’m whinging, but she takes over every interaction my partner has with his son, my children, his family and myself, saying she has ADHD and we have to deal with it is not the way everyone should live, she will yell dad, dad, dad!!! From another room and we’re all like can’t you hear her, he says block it out, it’s just becoming too much
Maybe some of it is attention seeking then? If he's ignoring her when she calls him and she's always demanding attention when there's other kids around then she may be jealous? Whichever way it's his call to make with medication they do have some horrible side effects. You do sound a little distant from her yourself maybe you could try spending a bit of time with her, it may help if she's jealous.
Why hasn’t the relationship progressed?
You’ve been together five years and still live so far apart.
Is it because of the child?
It sounds like you also don’t have understanding of her though. the problem is when you think you do so you feel entitled to your opinions.
At the end of it all, he’s a package deal and it doesn’t work for you.
As an adult who only recently got diagnosed with ADHD I can first and foremost tell you it’s a lot harder to be her than you think it is!
Her brain quite simply doesn’t work like yours and she has absolutely no control over it!
I have a child with sensory issues relating to food and his ability to eat junk has zero to do with it. Her diet will absolutely be making her adhd worse however it’s offering her a dopamine hit which her brain is seriously lacking. The electronics draw her in and it’s likely one of the few areas she can focus which feels good for her. Her interrupting isn’t due to lack of manners it’s because she NEEDS to say what’s in her head before it’s vanished for good!
As for medication this is a very personal choice. I’ve been on meds for a year and while yes they help my brain not feel like it’s running a never ending marathon with countless tabs open if I am late or miss a dose I crash hard! All the typical struggles come back ten fold and it’s one of the worst feelings you can’t possibly imagine. I also lost 30kg in 6 months. Not the best side effect for most children.
A lot of parents give their kids the weekend off the meds so the kids can eat but then they are in crash mode!
It honestly sounds like you don’t actually have any real understanding of what life is like for her and that’s sad.
She will also know of your annoyance at her and she more than likely thinks about why she can’t be normal, why she can’t do as she’s told, why she can’t be better when she’s alone in the quiet.
Have some empathy and if you can’t move on
Sounds like you have something to learn about adhd yourself.
She will constantly interupt that's the impulsivity, it's not her fault.
She probably has to get told to do everything because he short term memory is affected and is unable to remember what to do and can only take 1 or 2 step instructions.
It sounds like instead of giving her the tools to manage these everyone has just gotten used to it.
One thing I've learnt is that if you don't agree on how to parent then you are going to have a lot of problems. You need to get on the same page.
As a neurodivergent, let me just say there's so so so much pressure on us all the time to "mask". We are expected to fit into neurotypical boxes all the damn time. We are told we are "weird", we create a persona for the outside world and in homes - like mine - where we are expected to mask as well, we burn out. Hard. Imagine living every single day having to think out every single thing you do, pretending to be someone you're not all because you're told the world won't accept you because you're different. We can't help that we are this way no more than we can help the colour of our eyes. Masking is no different to putting contact lenses on, it changes nothing but what other people see. And it's EXHAUSTING.
She 100% deserves space where she can be her "weird" self. That said, though, she does also need to learn how to function in society to get a shot at independence.
My ASD kids get told that home is safe space where we can be silly and stop thinking, but outside these walls we have to behave differently.
Can I ask - Do you have children together or planning to have kids together?
Because if I were in your shoes I don't think I would be able to parent with him. His solution is to just ignore his child. Not seek any information to try and understand her.
How about NDIS? Has he tired to get help for her?
Has he tried a physiologist, nutritonalist, dietitian? My guess would be no.
I would probably try and suggest a new paediatrician and also Doctors now know more about ADHD and Autism and medications are better and more advanced.