I need some mum to mum advice without criticism please.
I have one child, she is now 20 and half years old. Still lives at home, working her way to independance. She is a great kid, always has been. No alcohol/drug issues, works hard and has a serious boyfriend for last 12 mths. This isnt her first serious boyfriend.Ive raised her as a single mum and so despite being firm and strict when i need to, Ive also let her learn and experience life.
So now her and boyfriend sleep at each others houses. (I rather her safe at home than sleeping at some house I dont know and ive had to learn to pick my battles with boys and her). Ive told her before no sex in my house, many many many times. The reason -I can hear her moaning!! 😱🤦♀️ Not only do we have wooden floors and the sound travels but its seriously awkward and uncomfortble and disrespectful 😥.
So last night, here I am at 11.30pm last night, half asleep and wake to the moaning noises no mother should ever hear. There is a rug in the room to help with the noise travelling, her bed doesnt make noises (they fixed that! 🤣) but its her moaning noises that I dont want to hear! Being woken or kept awake by it, having to scream 3 times that I can hear them and what feels like blattant disrespect to me. I dont want to kick her out of home before she is ready but I am becoming so bothered with this lack of respect for me. I am at all loss, cracking it, talking, asking isnt working. I dont want to be that mother who says no boyfriend sleeping here (she will just go stay at his more) but i dont know what else to do...
I come to the sisterhood for advice on how i can handle this? This raising young adults shit is HARD!
42 Replies
She is 20, not 16. She will just go to his house or wherever else. Or move out in general. I think a more realistic point of view needs to come from you. If you prefer her safe at your house then you will have to make accomodations for her lifestyle as she is an adult and entitled to making her own decisions
She is a adult, but is also residing under my roof free and is financially supported by me still. For me, its a matter if respect for your parents while residing under their roof and if they say no sex in house i would hope she would respect that, however she does not. Same time, i push her away, she will leave before she emotionally and financially ready too and I dont want to do that to her either.
It’s unrealistic that she has a boy friend over and expect they don’t have sex. However, they should be as quiet as possible.
If you don’t want her to stay at her boyfriends buy her a rug and ask that they keep it down. If they won’t keep it down, they do have to go elsewhere.
I think instead of telling an adult child no sex in the house you could work on sound proofing the room. We are in an old house with wooden floor boards so I get the whole noise travelling but there are tricks to lessen it. Our bed is an ensemble with a soft bed head so we don't have to worry about the bed making too much noise when going at it. We also have carpet in the bedrooms and a large wall cabinet in the hall on the other side of our bedroom wall. I have a heap of canvas prints that I back filled with polyfil so they become noise absorbers. I bought massive acoustic pinboards for all the bedrooms. Mats for bare floors. Carefully placed bedroom furniture, thick curtains, cushions, soft arm chairs, solid internal doors. Anything that can "absorb" noise. It's not all to drown out sex noises lol I got sick of the house being so echo-ee and loud so I made it my mission to soundproof the home and it has worked really well. If you want your daughter to be comfortable visiting you when she leaves home then this is the way to go. If you were to have a partner now would you say no sex while my 20 year old daughter is here? Probably not, you would find a way around it.
This gave me a good laugh! I thought you go into a lot of effort to avoid sex noises lmao!
I thought I should clarify lol.
I think you are projecting your feelings. You said you raised her as a single mum. Are you afraid she will get pregnant? Are you trying to prevent the sane for your daughter?
Why are you so against your daughter having sex under your roof? Does it make you uncomfortable your daughter is sexually active?
Honestly, If shes working her way toward independence and kicking goal, and your biggest concern about her is shes having sex in her own bed, in her own house, you've done a great job of raising her! Time to let the reigns go lovely. Its unfair of you to try and control her perfectly healthy sex life. Instead of saying no sex under my roof! Instead try "no unsafe sex under my roof".
Not afraid at all, i was pregnant with her at 18, so her falling pregnant at 20 isnt a concern, and i am fine with her having a healthy sex life, my issue is hearing my 20 y.o moaning and waking me up 🤣
Sex is allowed, i just feel they are not respecting me when i say i can hear it so please dont here when we are going to sleep. There is a rug in her room and her bed doesnt make a sound...
Its listening to my child moaning that has me scarred! 🤣🤣 also this is when i am trying to sleep so putting TV on wont help either as i work fulltime and need sleep to function.
Well I guess you could change your perception, at least shes having a happy sex life 🤷♀️😂. just tel her have sex all she likes but please have quiet sex because your pretty sure doesnt need to be so vocal. If the noise is legitimately the only reason than just tell her to shut up. I soon leart this the first time I had sex under my now husband's parent's roof when I walked out for breakfast and his parents and sister sat there not making eye contanct at me and his mum pipes up "had a good night?" And they all burst out laughing😂 it was awkward!
Ive screamed I can hear you! More times than i want to admit. 3 times i yelled it last night before she went quiet. This is literally my issue, it wakes me, they dont seem to care and i am scarred 🤣🤣🤦♀️
So the issue isn't having sex under your roof, its her having noisy sex?
Sounds like shes pretty comfortable with you. You must have a great relationship!
I wonder if you had noisy sex she'd get the issue 🤔😂
We are close, but i dont want to be that close! I wonder how much is just a lack of respect. She is a only child and its just me and her. I feel like she doesnt care as this has been going on a while as a issue (for me anyway) and yeah noisy sex is the issue. Sex is fine but the whole house shouldnt know about it 🤣
Meh, I'd be inclined to just turn the TV up or pop on some Spotify and go back to sleep as long a it wasn't over the top obnoxious but that's just me 🤷♀️
Why not instead of a blanket ban on sex altogether (which frankly is a little unrealistic if you allow sleepovers) you level with her and say something like:
If you want to have sex here, fine. However, there's some boundaries that need to be respected. Your activities are to remain confined to the privacy of your bedroom, you are to keep the noise down and you will not wake me up. If those very reasonable requests can't be upheld, BF will no longer be permitted to stay the night.
A rug under her bed may also help absorb some noise/stop furniture from scraping and maybe ask that she puts some music on down low when she decides to get amorous.
She has a rug, the bed is quiet. Its her moaning and lack of awareness that i can hear it. I am alll good for sex and a healthy sex life just not sure i want to hear it or be forced to hear it. I workfulltime turning TV up or music isnt a option when o
I am trying to sleep and at 11.30 at night.
Remember the movie rain man? Where Dustin Hoffman repeated all the noises they made? Do that the next morning 😂
All seriously though I would be pretty mortified too if it was that noisy. Nobody wants to hear their kid have sex the same as kids don't want to hear their parents have sex! I have a few older kids too who thankfully are very quiet when they have their partners over. I don't even know if they are doing anything in there. Whenever we stay at my in laws place my husband and I have sex on the floor because the bed makes too much noise, like teenagers 😂. So I guess after reading all of what you've done already and the type of noise it is, which is very controllable, I agree with your no sex in the house rule until she can be quiet. If they keep it up I would go as far as not letting him sleep over, that's how much it would freak me out 🤣
Haha yes! All the above! I feel you get me! 🤣 i am at point i feel ill have to say he cant stay... then i also have to try enforce it to a 20y.o who will prob sneak him in anyway (i like her boyfriend he is good kid). Its just challenging this half adult shit, she doesnt seem to care that it bothers me and i feel its disrespectful which is where i get upset about it. Its been a issue for a while now! 🤣🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
I think it's time she moves out. She needs her own space and so do you.
I absolutely agree but she isnt financially or emotionally ready and thats being realistic. I dont want to push her out when she cant afford to live as a adult yet (she is still studying), she pays nothing living with me (also a sore point for us but ive given up nagging for board). Just really self absorbed despite being a great young lady, she just takes complete advantage of me 🤷♀️ the sex is a problem i am really struggling with as i feel its so disrespectful to me. Especially when i have raised it so many times, its like they dont care 🤷♀️
Time for a part time job so she can pay rent for her own place. You say she takes advantage of you then stop enabling her and as difficult it might be for you to let her go it’s time for her to leave. I probably wasn’t financially or emotionally ready to move out when I did at 21 however I soon learned I needed to work, study and be responsible as I didn’t have mum paying for everything.
Absolutely am enabling her, and struggle not too, i was out of home by 16 y.o and i dont want to push her into that struggle. She does work part time, studying rest of her time, i still doubt she could afford renting unfortunately. Its freaking hard as she is nearly ready to be a adult, but not quiet there still!
Everything you've said is exactly why she needs her own place. You want her to be a respectful, independent person right? How gross is she right now? She is ready, she's in her 20s. The fact she refuses to pay board and does this makes me angry for you. It's a reality check, but in the long run, it'll be good for her. It's learning to be a grown up, a good, decent, mature one. Maybe she can stay at uni boarding? A student share house? Share house with friends? Or Hey, if she doesn't like that, she could pay you board and be respectful of you!!
She’s ready, I’m sorry to say that I think it’s you who’s not ready xx
It’s absolutely time for her to move out. She is being disrespectful and acting entitled.
Stop enabling her.
And by the way I'm totally with you - it's not prudish to not want to hear your kid or any family member having sex, no matter how old they are!!!! It's time for her to have her own space.
Do you think they're doing it intentionally. Is it possible that they just get too heated and into the moment? I remember when I would have sex at my parents house, my boyfriend and I would constantly have to tell the other to quiet down.
I don't blame you for being upset about hearing that. That would creep me out too hahah😓😂 the thought of my parents hearing me have sex scares me even more...
Aww mama, this is tough and not something you can easily google!
Personally I would get some headphones/earpods and listen to music, a podcast, meditation etc.
I dont think she's going to stop, so just work around it.
Good luck 👍
How is she not embarrassed that her mum can hear that! I would be horrified if my mum heard that.
She is embarrassed. But it hapoens again and again 🤣🤦♀️🤷♀️
I’d have been mortified too.
Nooooo 😂😂🤦🏼♀️ That’s awkward then!
Start recording her and play it back to her the next morning. Or else put some porn on and turn the volume up really loud for them to listen to every night until they start being quiet.
It is disrespectful to you and eveyone else in the house. While you won’t stop it, she should have some respect and keep her noise down. How embarrassing for a mother have to hear that. I wouldn’t want to hear it! She needs a good talking to and get some respect.
It's absolutely disrespectful. She's waking you and forcing you to be a part of their private moment. Be clear with both of them.... They impact on your comfort [in terms of not needing to hear that] or well-being [sleep] again and you will be asking her to move out. Let them know that if they get roomates the same issue will occur, so they need to learn to respect others at some point.
Buy a donga set up as a granny flat and put it out the back. Nowhere near your room.
She pays board (to pay you back for having to buy the damn thing).
If she "forgets" to pay she can set it as direct debit to automatically come out on pay day. She's living at home, she can afford to pay board.
Any update on this?
Yes, so I did raise it with her. She was embarrassed, mortified and boyfriend just laughed it off.
Ive raised it before and eventually I hear them again lol we will see.
Another year or so and she will move out 🤣
Mmm, all I’ll say is, he’s obviously doin it right!! Lol
Either noise cancelling headphones or you bring someone home (or your partner) and have really noisy sex while she is there.
It might make her realise just how the noise travels and how much you can actually hear
I have thought about this my oldest is still a young teen.....
Your daughter is an adult however, i know that if this problem ever happened to me I would say “throughout your life your father and I have always been discreet out of respect for you and your sibling and that part of our life is Between your father and I and should stay that way! .....you wouldn’t want to hear us! ......surprise I don’t want to hear you either. Please show me the same respect I have shown you”!
Put on some sex noises at full volume next time he is around after they are done and trying to sleep.
Some ideas
Buy her a ball gag and make a smart ass comment
Blast porn when she’s sleeping
Loudly give critiques and commentary
Yell “SHES FAKING IT”
Fine her for noise pollution
Play baby shark really loud
I had this same issue with my daughter and her boyfriend. She is 19. I told her if she wanted her boyfriend to continue staying over than she will 💯 need to be quiet. My house, my rules. I'm a single parent with 3 kids and the past year or so I've established boundaries that are to be respected or suffer the consequences. If she stays at her boyfriends more I don't mind, she always eventually comes home.