I'm hanging by a thread.
At this point in time, I am overwhelmed. With everything - my house is a constant state of chaos, and I can spend a whole day busting my ass in a state of hyper focus, and get so much done, only for it to literally be undone by the following day. I know it seems obvious, because housework needs to be done daily, but the effort I go through internally in order to psych myself up to just do the basics is literally exhausting. And then it makes no difference any way.
I spend so much of my week feeling like I'm running a mental marathon, and then when my two days off come, I literally cannot move. I drop the kids off, I get home and I sit for a moment to gather my thoughts and/or pay a bill, check emails etc etc and then... that's it. I'm stuck, almost physically pinned to the couch by some gravitational force, and my mind is a constant hum of 'Get up. You need to do A, B and C. You don't have time to sit here. Why are you so bad at this. Have a drink. You're running out of time. Why won't you just do it. This is why you never get anything done. You haven't studied. You're gonna fail your courses. You didn't have a drink. You need to put dinner on. It's your son's birthday soon. Have you organised cupcakes? You'll probably screw them up. Maybe I can buy them. Who cares about cupcakes right now, you can't even get dinner done on time. You're going to be late. Why are you paying to have your daughter in daycare so you can sit on the couch and make everything harder for yourself? Get up. Please get up. Have a drink.'
See, when I am 'doing nothing' I'm actually sitting in a world of dread. I'm not doing things I enjoy, I'm beating myself up. It's not just laziness if you can't even convince yourself to do the things you WANT to do.
When I was working, I didn't have a choice of when things got done because it was work during the day, then things had to be done at night. There was a sense of urgency, a deadline, things got done because they had to be. Now, I have all this time and I just can't do it. I can't get myself to prioritise what needs to be done first, so nothing gets done. Until it HAS to. Or is overdue.
I'm aware of the things I need to do. I know what to do, I know how to do it. Why can't I just DO it!? What is WRONG with me?? Is there even anyone who can help me or am I destined to be a fucking zombie forever.
8 Replies
Have you had a mental health assessment? Have you ever been assessed for ADD?
Currently waiting for a diagnosis but I feel like it can't come soon enough :(
Why does everything always have to be a diagnosis? It seems to me these days that people can’t even have a personality anymore - they have diagnoses.
This could simply be a lack of motivation. I think most people struggle with that at some point. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with OP at all but a bit of procrastination.
As someone with ADHD, it isn’t just a matter or not having motivation. Our brains are physically different and we don’t have the right chemical receptors to be able to function normally. This kind of “there’s nothing really wrong, you’re just lazy” thinking is harmful and causes needless suffering to those who really do need a diagnosis and medical treatment in order to function.
Wow that sounds very stressful. I think you need to make a schedule. Schedule your day. Schedule rest too. Lots of it. And When your brain says it's not enough, you need to say, what I've done is enough. Sure you can do more ,but like you say you'll just be doing it again tomorrow anyway.
Make sure you're scheduling in study breaks and hobbies and down time too.
Procrastination is a reaction to perfectionism. Both are symptoms of your past/upbringing (not necessarily bad, just yours...) I found it really helpful talking with a counselor. She helped me identify my triggers and prioritise. These days it's more about managing my hyper-productivity. To an outsider I am incredibly productive and a hard worker, but in my mind, I never get enough done and judging myself that I could be more efficient, etc. I'm learning to just 'Be' and that "I am good enough". When I was a SAHM this 'funk' was worse. I found myself a part time job and things improved, as did my relationship. Try starting with talking to someone, maybe even volunteer (rather than a paid job) to give yourself some outside routine? Good luck
You need a schedule. Something that is doable. You don't need to do everything in one day. But stick to it. Declutter your house too, get rid of a lot of stuff that causes mess (excess toys, clothes etc)
Without knowing more about your life and situation no one can really tell whether you have physical or mental health issues etc but what's clear is that something isn't right for you, you're not your normal self and you're being really really harsh on yourself. Just start with self kindness. This is what's happening at the moment. As you can see from other comments, you are not alone. Many of us face these type of issues. It is super hard to deal with and we're often very self critical. There's a global pandemic going on. Not sure how that's affected you. There can be chemical, hormonal changes, chronic exhaustion, neuro diversity, loneliness, isolation, depression, anxiety, trauma that can all contribute. For whatever reason you're going through a hard time. Try to accept when these strong thoughts come up that you're just not feeling good, it is nothing you're bringing on yourself or you chose, it's just what is happening. Then do the smallest thing you can do to feel slightly better. Go outside. Just that. Make the steps much smaller. Or sleep, or call a friend, drink tea. Small things. Breathe in acceptance of right now,
and loving kindness for you. Try to reconnect with what makes you happy. Even think of happy memories or future dreams to replace the negative thoughts. And seek support. Mental health plan via gp etc. You can recover. This is not forever. Sending love. Xxxx