This is so hard for me to write. I get teary and panicky whenever I think about this. It breaks my heart what happened to my son. I have nightmares and it feels like I just carry a dark storm with me wherever I go. My whole being hurts and is tormented by what happened.
It happened in March. My 6 yo son stayed over at his best friends house (the kids mum was also my best friend and neighbour).
He came home telling me that the kids dad hopped in bed with him, and that the kid went downstairs to give their mum a hug good night. He then asked my son if he was hot, and told him he would sleep better if he took off his pants. He then proceeded to touch his penis in a rubbing motion at least 10 times. My son was unable to move away.
He told me straight away when he got home, and we I called the police. 2 patrol and 2 detectives came and spoke to him. He reiterated what happened to them.
He was then sent for a forensic interview with a child psychologist and he reiterated the story to her as well. He is an extremely bright child, and the psych said that he told everything in perfect sequence, with lots of detail and was able to correct her when she got things wrong. This was filmed and will be used as testimony in court (if we proceed)
This guy had also just been approved to be a foster career. I made sure that won’t be happening anymore.
After this, the perpetrator was arrested and he is currently on bail. We literally have to drive past his house to leave our street.
My son seems to be the saddest about losing his best friend. In the first few weeks we would often talk about the sexual abuse, and how it made him feel ‘sad’.
He hasn’t mentioned it for a while. I don’t know if I should be bringing it up with him? What should I say? I want to know if he want to speak to a counsellor. On the other hand, what if I am dragging him back in to the darkness by raising it with him?
It’s also so hard to know if I should proceed with court action, resulting in possible jail time for the perp. My son would need to be cross examined. Are there any mums out there whose kids have been cross examined? What was it like? Could that experience be harmful in itself?
It also kills me inside that my ex friend doesn’t believe a word of it, and is sticking by him. Even though child protection said he wasn’t able to live there for a while, and he’s not allowed kids who aren’t his own. He applied to alter his bail conditions and return home, which was approved. What if something happens to them too?
I’m co confused, broken for my son, and I just want the very best for him.
11 Replies
I think tomorrow you should ring bravehearts for advice. They are probably the best people to advise you on wether therapy is appropriate or not and can probably refer to specific counsellors.
Speak to the experts.
You absolutely need to follow this through in court. If you don’t these poor kids he will have in his care will suffer abuse. Think about what your son went through. You are the one who can stop it from happening again. What a sick mongrel evil man. What did the wife say.? Has her children been abused.? If I was you, I would start a new life somewhere else and allow your son to find different friends. How sickening you poor mum. He is going to do foster care to have these kids in his care for a reason. Please stop this once and for all. Use your power and your voice, for your son and many other children who have and may come across this sick man.
Contact the kids schooo and let them know what is happening. They are mandated to report any thing they may see from his kids. They have probably been abused and still being abused. How sickening they’d allow him back there. Your ex friend is a F idiot! I can’t believe men and women like this exist.
Best your son seeks help now with a child psychologist. Dont let him bury this away and come out with it in years to come. Please get a referral and some professional help. Child psychologist are fantastic. They’ll take it slow with him. Step By step def follow it through in court.
Your poor baby. How heartbreaking for you. Please make this man pay for what he did, if you don’t, he will keep getting away with it. Go online and report anonymously on crime stoppers that he has indecent pictures of kids on his phone, laptop ipad anything. Hopefully they confiscate them and find something more. He would have things on his devices. I know someone who got caught from a tip off like this. He was actually a cop and is now in jail and convicted of child abuse. 6 diff kids. Please do what it takes. Get someone else to report him on crime stoppers, he will have more on him. Your son wouldn’t be the first kid.
I am so sorry you and your son are facing this. It is the most horrible feeling I have ever felt when I found out. But I can tell you from experience that with the right support and counselling you will recover. You will never be the person you were before. My son was abused from 3-6 by a trusted family friend. He attended years of specialised counselling (Rosies Place in western Sydney) and with JIRT referred counsellors.
He is now a very successful, confident and caring young man.
I encourage you to also get counselling. There’s is a group on FB called SASS that I joined for support.
Oh my goodness I feel like I could have written this myself. My son is 10 and was the victim of Child Sexual abuse by his father. So not only has he lost his 'idol' but he is dealing with a lot of emotions from what has happened to him. He has been in counselling for 12 months, however has just stopped as the counsellor left. I would definitely say your boy needs to talk to someone about it. He is dealing with a lot of different emotions and probably doesn't know how to handle them himself. He may open up to someone, he may not. We are 14 months in, my sons father is still in prison, he has not had contact at all since the day before he was arrested, so queue the separation anxiety also. It is a long and messed up path, and I am so sorry that this has happened to you both. There are some extremely awful people in the world. Just be there for him and give him multiple opportunities to talk to you. My son refuses to open up because he 'worries about me' and doesn't want to hurt me, but I have told him, not talking hurts more. He did tell me that he is not ok, but I don't know how to help him. I would be asking the police to send in a referral for sexual abuse counselling (they are 100% able to do this, and i'm surprised it hasn't already been done).
Given that we are 14 months down the track - my kids have both been interviewed my police. I can say from experience, your son will only have to be cross examined in court if this man does not plead guilty. If he does, it will skip the trial part and go straight to sentencing.
Best of luck to you both and trust the process. I hope this 'man' gets what's coming to him. Bail is given way too easily these days :(
I know you have posted anonymously, but I am happy for you to contact me and discuss anything you need. I have unfortunately been through all of it :(
You also need to look after you, can you also get some counselling yourself? This is a huge weight on you and it will last a very long time, if not your whole life. I went through a similar situation with one of my children except the perp was my partners relative. My daughter was put through a lot going down the legal road. I was the first one she told so I wasn't allowed in to be with her for the interviews or cross examination. Please look after you, so you can look after your son. I wish you the best of luck with this all. I'm happy your son could tell you! If it's possible for you to move, I would.
As traumatising as this is for both you and your son please don’t let him get away with it for the sake of many other children he could come in contact with including his own most importantly your son needs to know you did everything you could to bring justice and protect him he might not understand it now but he will thank you for it later on take this from someone who’s family didn’t pursue and let it go only to find out many years later that this was happening to many other children after me
I came here to say this ^^^^
My parents did not pursue it and my pain and trauma was magnified due to their inaction.
Yes absolutely pursue this into court... For your son and the perps future victims.
I can't speak from a parents point of view but I cam tell you what I went through. I was 8 when I testified against my abuser. The courts were able to put the perp behind a screen but that didn't help much. I was allowed to take my teddy into court with me and I had a support person who was appointed by the court to sit with me while I testified. It was scary, I remember feeling so anxious walking in and worried I would forget things, like the type of dress I wore on a particular occassion etc (I was abused over a period of time) BUT as an adult I feel so empowered by what I did, I look back and think how brave I was and how by testifying I had inspired other little girls to speak up, including his own daughter (there were 32 other girls). He was going to jail and he knew it so he took his own life before the trial was finished and he never hurt another child again.
Edited to add: His daughter and I are still friends to this day nearly 30 years later