My 16 year old daughter just wanted a few girlfriends over and a couple of boys stay over for her16th .
We said yes to them staying but no to drinking thinking that was the best choice .
I know she has a little crush on one of the boys but they only ever see each other at school and talk on the phone sometimes.
She reassured me nothing will happen but she’s shown me the hickeys on her chest and neck the next morning.
I’m gutted!
I feel she hasn’t respected herself by letting him do this .
They aren’t going out and her friends have told her that he’s said he doesn’t like her but he denies saying it .
She’s thinking she’s so cool and she’s excited about it .
She seems to go from liking one boy to another and none of them like her back in that way .
I feel she may have let this boy do this to her hoping that he will like her .
I know I’m lucky she tells me but I just don’t feel right about this .
I need advice as she’s at the age where everything I say is wrong .
She’s recently self harmed and has overwhelmed feelings .
She has a job and is going well at school and is involved in sport a few afternoons a week .
This is just recent behaviour.
8 Replies
You need to let her live and learn. She can have fun with boys and have self respect at the same time. To say she has no self respect because she got intimate with a boy is not true. I would be more worried about birth control and STI's and putting the focus on that rather than try and tell her to stay away. Make sure she knows her worth and not to let anyone take advantage of her but if she's a willing participant there's nothing you can do.
Aw dont judge her. She kissed a guy she likes on her birthday. Have a little woohoo with her. It is sad hes not into her and she will have to live and learn this herself.
And when discussing boys and relationships I would definitely keep the focus on how to date; dating before giving it up or knowing if you do it before dating then theyre not into you and theyre not going to be after. Keep it on the dynamics, not on her self worth.
If she understands that then she might not be too hard on herself for them not being interested in her that way. Please dont be too hard on her as well, you also inferring its because of her isnt helping her feel betteror get the guy.
Assuming she consented to the kissing and hickeys, and he's the same age as her so there's no power imbalance - what's the harm? What's all this rubbish about self-respect etc? That is such an outdated point of view and far more harmful to her in the long term.
Why is it a lack of self respect for girls/women/AFAB to be engaging in this behaviour and not for boys/men/AMAB? Where's the outrage over his lack of self-respect? Why shouldn't girls be able to engage in consenting and healthy sexual behaviour?
I'd be much more concerned about ensuring she knows how to protect herself from pregnancy and STDs and that she and whoever she chooses to be with are both consenting and understand healthy interpersonal and sexual relationships.
If you're concerned she is heading for a downward spiral based on recent behaviours, discuss with your daughter and organise a GP appointment for her to discuss sexual health, contraception and mental health. It sounds like she needs sone mental health support considering the self harm. If there is a headspace in your area or nearby, they are a wonderful resource for teens.
All the best. X
Kids need to be protected from themselves. I wouldn't allow boys to stay overnight in any sense, their hormones are raging and the temptation is far too strong. Let them see each other outside but always know where they are, and check too if they are staying with friends check with friends parents that there are no boys staying. Boys can visit through the day but not at night.
No, they need to be taught about healthy sexual relationships and how to protect themselves from pregnancy and STI's. You really think they won't do this elsewhere or during the day?
What did you think would happen if they stayed over? Can’t you remember being this age? Get her on birth control. Talk to her about consent, stds and the shit she needs to hear.