I found out my partner had been having an affair for 6 months a month or so ago. We are trying really hard to mend things and I feel like we may get through it. But why do I feel so stupid and embarrassed? I can’t seem to skate this feeling that I want to confront the lady.. her husband doesn’t know and she’s just living her life as normal whilst mine has been completely upturned. Sorry, not sure what I’m asking exactly..have you been through this? Did you confront them? What did you say and how did you feel? I know it won’t make anything “better” relationship wise but I feel it will make me feel like I have some control back over my life. Am I silly?
19 Replies
6 months is a HUGE betrayal. It's not a moment of temptation or out of character, it's a reflection on their respect and commitment. I'd walk and tell her husband too. Bugger confronting her.
PS... I'm someone who gets cranky at the regular advice on this page to walk away from a single incident from the poster's perspective only. But an affair for 6 months??? Give yourself and her husband a chance at real love.
Its so normal to feel stupid and embarrassed. Logically you shouldn't, hes the one that took your trust and walked all over it, but nevertheless those feelings happen.
And i think its for a good reason because thats your body alarm saying do not trust this person, they hurt and embarrass you.
If it makes you feel better to tell on her, go ahead and do it. Its your recovery and you get a say in your story.
You do know it wont change your healing, but its also ok to want her side to blow up for what she's done to you and him, and not to cover for her. Id probably tell him as part of me taking my control and choice back after they took it from you both.
Tell her husband, he deserves to know.
In my experience I needed to give myself permission to tell whomever I wanted. I was so ASHAMED for what my husband did to me, I couldn't tell my best friend even. I just kept ALLOWING him to get away with his shitty behavior. If I had shared so much sooner, I would have left so much sooner, and there would have been so much less damage. It took years of therapy to get to a good space. Affairs, violence, whatever we are the victims of, get it out in the open, made public. Take back your power and firmly put their behaviour in the spotlight for what it is.
The fastest way for me to heal would be to tell her husband. Not to hurt him but for his own awareness. He needs to know too if he doesnt already
I found out about my partners 8 month affair by her. He chose to work on "us" and she didn't like that she was dumped. She knew all about me, our 6 kids, and my partner said some horrid things about me to her. He took her on fancy trips when I thought he was camping or hunting. She threw it all in my face that he even told her he loved her, sending me screen shots of all their texts. I contacted her husband, and some how, it was all my fault, he knew all about it and didn't even care. He knew from the begining
I felt stupid for not seeing what was happening. All the signs come flooding into my memory that I sore, but paid no attention to and it made me feel worthless, pathetic and suicidal.
Our relationship at the time was not on good terms. I had shut him off completely, I hadn't let him touch me in a long time and when we did have sex, I just lay there. I do remember him trying to reach out but I was completely cut off, i cringed when he touched me as meds made my skin tender. Being a mum, bipolar, I had fallen into a depression. Not that this is an excuse for his behaviour and infidelity, I do see why he sort affection from another person.
For us, it saved us, we worked on our faults, and worked on what we both wanted and needed to do to save our family. he realised that what he did, nearly killed me. I lost 30kg in a few weeks, I was passing out with panic attacks, at times id become catatonic and stare into space not moving silently for hours. We went to therapy, I told him why I was down, and he was open as to why he did what he did. Its taken a long time, 5 years, for trust to be built up, I still have moment of fear, that he's not doing what he's said, but then he comes home from camping and hunting with all his videos and photos, and stories. He comes right home from work, and wants to spend more time with family on weekends. That trust will never come back completely, the hurt some times comes back unexpectedly, causing me to retreat to the bathroom to calm myself down.
Ask yourself, is it a life long pain you can cope with, that doubt will always be there no matter how much he tries. Will you be able to not throw it in his face when your argue? Because if you can't, save yourself from the pain now
Thank you for your reply lovely lady. In a way I feel like it has brought us closer. But right now I just want to feel angry and get some justice and control for own healing.
In my case, he said it’s because we became distant because I’m a nurse and work shift work. I picked up extra shifts as were built our own home and we agreed it would be hard work but worth it once we are in. Here’s me working my bum off at work, coming home dealing with the kiddies and the whole time he’s messaging this other lady. It was mostly emotional and only turned physical at the beginning of the year... they never had sex though. Sorry there is some more rambling!
I’m sorry but they absolutely would have had sex.
Yeah definitely still lying.
He’s lying!! Of course they had Sex!! There is no excuses. Stop letting him use you as an excuse for his dog act. you were working and dealing with kids.! Wow he’s a dog! You deserve better. Imagine what he was telling her about you, I mean coz they all dog their wives to gain attention and what they want. Go confront her and get her story! I’m sure it will be different. My denied it too when I heard it out of his own mouth. Still denied it to my face when I knew so I punched him in and kicked him out. I deserved better and got better.
Only turned psychical.. oh he’s been sleeping with her. Take the blinkers off and go confront her in front of her husband. Why shouldn’t you! Make sure he’s there though. Let her love the life of hell that you have been. Get out of there he’s a liar. He is acting closer to you coz he has been busted. He is waiting for it to cool down. Go tell her husband I bet he changes and don’t tell him if you do. You’ll soon see if they still talk or meet up.
They definitely had sex. He's saying that to keep you around. Decide for yourself whether or not anything would change if they had sex or not. For me, even if there was no sex and only physical stuff, I'd be gone. If there was sex, I'd be gone. Think about what he's got to lose by telling you the truth.
Yes tell her husband don’t worry about her find out who he is and tell him. As you for husband get rid of bis dog ass coz I Can assure you this won’t stop! They will let it blow over for a while and be back at it and you also won’t trust him again. You get treated by what you allow. It’s always the victims fault and it only happend once. Heard it all. Been there and got him out of my life. It’s just something I won’t stand fot. I’m saying that I am very strong and know what I deserve and won’t put up with it for a minute. But please go tell her husband coz no doubt they’ll still be doing it. They’d be talking even though you might not think it They’d have their ways. They will just be much sneakier now. Don’t let her get away with it. They both need to held accountable. You don’t deserve it and he doesn’t deserve you.
This is on your husband, not her!
A 6 month long affair, there was definitely sex involved. You need to open your eyes before you forgive him!
If you have proof then please tell her husband! He deserves to know
I wouldn't confront her, she isn't the one in your marriage that betrayed you and lost your trust. I am sorry but in your marriage, your husband is fully to blame for the affair, not the other woman.
I would send her husband a message or email and let him know. He deserves to know and to get himself checked for STIs
The betrayal lays on your husband not the woman. This woman may of entered your marriage knowingly or not and tampered with your life but she is not your problem. The problem lays with your husbands dishonesty. If you choose to stay with your husband after this affair your satisfaction needs to come from him not through the other party.
Trust me when I say this. You will not get any pleasure or higher scores by confronting this woman.
But as someone who has been cheated on over 7 years in an 8-year relationship. I wished someone had told me what he was doing behind my back.
So in saying that. Give yourself time to heal your own wounds. The hurt your husband has caused. Your husband has to jump through hoops to gain the trust back in your marriage, not you. Highly consider some form of marriage counselling. And so on. First and foremost. Focus on your own self for now. Little bit longer.
Then. When your mind is clear. You are much more steady. Confront the husband. He can believe you or not. Not your issues. Leave that up to him. And move on with your life. You deserve that.
If you wanted to know, then he deserves it too. You have both been betrayed.
My husband had a short affair with my best friend. Confronting her did nothing for me as I just ended up with more questions and more fury. Strangely I am still more mad at her than I am my husband. It has taken me years to get through this. The fury and confusion and questions have never gone away regardless of what you may say in anger and while hurt I really don’t think it helps. Work on figuring out if you and hubby can get past it and focus on that. Good luck