I feel gutted. I left an abusive marriage many moons ago. Fast forward years of work and caring for children with very little contact from their father (completely his own choice). I have gone without, barely scraped by many times and still managed to give my children what I could including sports etc. I have to work long hours under high amounts of stress. I come home and look after my children and try to juggle it all. Then my teen daughter (13) decides 2 weeks ago she no longer wants to live with me because she does not like my very reasonable rules e.g. I do not let her walk the streets, want her to go to school etc. She has moved to her dads and I just want to sit and cry. I do not know where I went wrong and feel like I have lost her. I am blaming myself for working too as I have not been there for her enough but do not know how I could afford everything if I cut back my hours. I kept telling her I still care and she can come to me but it still was not enough. I have never been away from my child like this and it hurts. She does know I did not want her to go but I feel like I am grieving and trying to hide how much this is hurting me so she does not feel guilty about her choice. Just wanting to hear from anyone else that has been through this
13 Replies
I went through this with my eldest, he was 13 too. He didnt like our local school so that was his reason for leaving. I was devastated at the time too it felt like my little family had been split as he was the eldest of 4, it just left a big empty space. It is hard to not show how upset you are when you talk to them but it has to be done. Use the time to build on your relationship with her, send her happy texts through the day, ring her often and organise outings or for her to come back to you for a weekend with no obligation to stay. It's really hard but this can be a good thing if you want it to be.
Bombarding a teen with daily contact who chooses to leave can push them into feelings of anger, resentment and feelings of being controlled.
This is not the answer . Daily no. Once bi - weekly or monthly yes.
A few texts is bombarding, how? I'm speaking from experience. If you don't keep regular contact and the other parent is talking about you negatively and encouraging their child to think the same then they use lack of contact against you and as a reason to cut you out completely. Doesnt need to be emotionally charged, a photo of a cool car you would think they like, a random dog or something funny that happened, nothing wrong with that at all and it leads the way for better communication in the future.
You said to send texts and contact through the day and often. A kid who wanted to leave will feel its too much if its multiple times daily. TRUST me on this. I've been there.
I cant believe you think its ok to call a 13 year old once a month.
Bi - weekly is not monthly.
Bi weekly to monthly is a couple of times a month
Thanks for your reply, just still a bit raw. I have never had this length of time away from any of my children and believe me they do not have a bad home life. She wants me to allow her all this freedom and I am trying to compromise but for her the offer of her father giving her what she wants was too appealing. I guess I am trying not to force it but I am going to contact her even with a short text message every 2-3 days as I am not sure he would not try to stop her from speaking to me. He is not a nice person imo at all and I want to know she is okay.
She's rebelling. Now her dad will have to pay for everything for a change. Having said that tho she WILL be back. Ur pain of absence will subside. Give it time.
I really hope you are right x
Is there any way you can get put in orders that he cant have them? At that age they get a choice but they dont get the full choice and you can surely still enforce at least 50/50. But Im in your position and Im really scared of this as well as it would be natural especially during teen dramas, but moreso that hes not appropriate to go to and they shouldn't have the choice. Surely he cant just step in full time after nothing?
He has just taken her after bare minimal contact over years and because I do not want to lose her completely I am not forcing anything and trying to talk to her. He has limited her phone and appears to be listening when she speaks to me, I have no hard proof though. I am waiting to see if I can get her home for a weekend to talk to her but I am feeling pretty lost. I did start to feel angry as well because he has just gone to full custody and not just increased his contact with her like I asked him to. I have gone over everything, it's so hard to get that balance when you do not have support and he does. I feel like I was set up to fail. If you have family support please get them around your children. I wish I could tell you it will not happen and I thought it never would as I raised them without him but sadly I cannot do that. Again I just feel lost as I have never had this length of time away from any of my children.
Get to family court asap. Stop feeling guilty and worth less and get there for your tme with your child that you raised and take him for alienation as well, before this goes on any longer.
I went through, am going through this with my daughter. The marriage wasn't abusive, and it ended many years ago. But after discipling her for things she was doing wrong she left to go to her dads for the usual holiday and then never came home. I've never experienced pain like it, its been 4 years and I still hurt everyday. Shes come home for visits in that time, but thanks to covid its been 18 months since I've hugged her.
I still cry myself to sleep most nights, not being apart of her everyday life, not being the one she turns too.. not knowing the little things in her life.. it sucks. But that's my issue, not hers. She is nearly 18 and from what I can tell and what little information she tells me she seems to be doing well in life..
I will grieve the years that I have missed with her.. everyone told me she would be back in a few months.. she didn't and living in another state makes it harder.
I message her, I try not to bombard her.. the mother in me wants to say goodmorning and good night every night! I know she loves me... im just not what she needed in this phase of her life. She's safe and she's loved, I try and take comfort in that.. I do wish I had a better relationship with her father.. but that was never possible.
Your not alone, and unfortunately as parents sometimes we have to let them leave us sooner then we had planned.