My 13 year old moved in with his dad recently, he goes back and forth a lot, depending on who's rules he likes or doesn't like 🤦‍♀️ problem is he wants to take the stuff that he has here like electronics, clothes and laptop. His dads place is a pigsty with 2 little kids running around who have already broken his VR. Am I mean for saying no more taking the expensive stuff I buy to your dads? It seems to get broken or his dad and other kids are using his stuff whilst he's not there.
6 Replies
Does he need that stuff for school?
I wouldn’t gift him electronics anymore. Anything new is something you bought for your house but let him use.
No, I don’t think you’re being mean. Unless he is paying for the items he wants to take, then no they don’t go. I have 50/50 shared care of my boys and they only take their iPads with them because they are needed for school. They’ve been warned to look after them because if they get broken I’m not replacing them, they’ll have to replace it themselves.
Nope. I cant afford to replace lost or damaged things so i say what leaves the house.
In saying that the child needs some agency over their belongings especially if hes moving a lot.
Can you purcahse or allocate a device that does travel but is to stay with him at all times. A cheap tablet or smart phone.
My eldest used to live with his Dad 80% of the time, anything I bought him went home with him. It was never an issue for me because I bought it for him so it was pointless leaving it at my house when he was only there during holidays. By not letting him take it you're really saying his things belong to you, not him. Some people might be OK with that but I personally think kids from split families need things that are just theirs. It helps with stability and seeing how he is going from house to house at such a young age that tells me he doesnt really feel like he belongs anywhere, he's just kind of drifting between the two of you until he feels at home.
I agree, if these are gifts to the child then they are his to make those decisions.
OP, as mentioned, just explain his items are his responsibility and if he wants to keep them in good condition it might be a good idea to not take them to dads.
And, don't replace them. If his Playstation gets fucked at dads do not buy him a new one for Christmas. That just reinforces his belief that these things are easily replaced.
Clothes are fairly inconsequential and they're necessary items, so I'd probably let that one slide and just avoid buying him expensive or branded items so it's not quite as painful seeing them end up trashed/lost etc.
Things like VRs, phones, laptops etc - I'd be like, fine, take it, but if it gets broken or damaged I'm not replacing it, paying for it to be fixed or making any of the arrangements to have it fixed. Take it up with dad.