For the last 18 months or so, the girls in my daughter's friendship group have felt the need to point out that we are in their opinion, poor.
They will straight up say to her we are poor because of the car we drive, because we live in a small house, because my daughter has to share a room with her sister, because we have simple birthday parties at home with fairy bread, footy franks, lollies and party games rather than catered parties at play centres, also because we don't do birthday parties every year, because my daughter has homebrand chips or museli bars in her lunch box occasionally as opposed to branded ones, because I don't buy my daughter something new every weekend, because my daughter doesn't do 6 extra curricular activities, because my daughter has an off brand android tablet and not an iPad, because she doesn't have a phone or social media....
I seriously could go on but these are just the more recent examples.
My daughter is at a public primary school, the catchment area is made up of predominantly affluent suburbs and a couple of lower to middle class areas (which is where we live).
So there has always been an air of superiority at this school but my daughter was always happy there and kind of oblivious to it until the last 18 months.
I have obviously spoken to teachers and the principal about this, they give a few half arsed talks about diversity and kindness but it has quite literally no effect on these kids because this rot clearly comes from their parents views
I overheard one of my daughter's friends mums mention to another that the school catchment area should be cut off at my suburb to keep the riff raff out 🙄.
That's amongst many incidents in years of superficial, appearance driven behavior from these parents.
My daughter is off to high school next year (a different one to the majority of her class mates, one they describe as povo or bogan 😑), needless to say I can't wait to see the back of half these kids and their parents.
In the mean time, how to I help my daughter not take these comments to heart?
I've explained to my daughter that we aren't poor, by no means are we well off but we are fortunate in that we have a roof over our heads, electricity and hot water, full bellies, weather appropriate clothing, warm beds, internet access and a few small luxuries as a lot of people don't even have that!
I've also explained that these kids probably don't really understand the concept of poverty properly.
Both of those approaches have helped somewhat but I know she still feels disheartened and ostracized by these kids comments.
12 Replies
OMG, I can relate!
Other mothers pointing out that my car is daggy etc. or that I don’t have designer clothes or whatever.
It really does come from the adults.
I think your child will be much happier in the ‘bogan’ school. These people sound insufferable.
BTW the ipad, car etc often have no relation to income, they often are often priority choices we make. Some people insist on having these things while going into loads of debt, others prefer to go without these things but have the income to afford it, but prefer to spend/save on different things.
So agree with this! We probably have more income than the majority of families at our school. We do all the things this mum mentioned because we prioritize other things like holidays etc. Seeing kids with shoes that are falling apart and don't fit with a brand new iPad makes no sense to me.
You lead by example...
Your affected by these comments also..
Having things doesn’t mean you have more.. more often it’s just that they have higher debt..
I would just tell your daughter that you have different priorities. People choose how they spend money or how they save money.. but that DOES NOT define your worth!!
This happened to me in primary school too. I always had a lot of friends in school and was one of the popular kids I guess you could say. By about grade 5, my best friend told me the reason why she never came to my house was because her Mum wouldn't let her. When I asked why, knowing she was allowed to go to other friends houses, she said it was because of where I lived. I tried to have a sleepover party that year and another friend told me that there was no way she was sleeping in a housing commission house. I had no idea I even lived in housing commission at that stage, all my friends knew though and there was no way they would know that or even think it was a problem unless their parents told them. From then I only stuck with kids from my little area and got really embarrassed if anyone else wanted to come to my house, I would meet them somewhere else instead or stay at theirs. The brands as well, if you didnt have brand name everything you were a loser.
My kids have grown up in a small town where none of this exists and it was great. My kids have never been into brands or ashamed of where they live or judge anyone for where they live. Thats the beauty of small towns, everyone shares the same school, same shop, same community events, same sports. Everyone just gets along and they couldnt give a rats ass if you own your home or rent or what kind of car you drive.
It is funny though, when I was younger I thought the people who could afford the latest brands, latest cars and big houses were rich but thats often not the case at all. My inlaws are millionaires and you wouldnt pick it at all, same house for 30 years, they shop specials, only replace cars when they die, cheap or op shop clothes.
I think your daughter will learn from this, to stay away from materialistic people.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Let your daughter in on a little secret 🤫
Most of those people, with new cars and big houses, are living well beyond their needs. They are living on credit cards and loans. I see this happen time and time again. My nephew has been out of work, has been at our house for money and groceries, yet went to JB hi-fi and bought the PS5 to show off. He had just enough on his credit card yet posted it all over social media.
Live your life. Don't compare yourself to others. You and your daughter have way more class and character.
On the flip side, may be get your daughter to help with a charity? Collect some food and clothes for those most in need? This will show her huge appreciation for what she has.
Btw, we live in Melb. A suburb a lot of people roll their eyes at and make racist comments. We are surrounded by much wealthier suburbs. I see their posts on the local buy and swap pages. And they are just as unhappy, greedy and crap as the rest.
This! I went to a prestigious school in Melbourne, upwards of $30k a year and we were the “poor” family. Mind you, my parents had no loans, no credit cards etc. and everyone else’s parents took mortgages to pay their school fees.
But because my mum didn’t drive a Porsche or BMW, we were poor 😂
OP here!
You are so right.
I have a few relatives who are up to their eyeballs in debt but like to flash their expensive goods around, it makes me a little sad that they place so much value on materialistic things.
I like your charity suggestion too! I always make a point of donating all our old stuff to the Vinnies, paying things forward and giving to the wishing tree at Christmas, which she is really into so I might get her more involved in all that.
You tell you daughter this -
People will always judge. They will always find ways to put you down to make themselves feel superior. This does not define who you are unless you let them. What you see on the surface is a mirage. It's debt, it's prioritising the material things in life, not happiness. Pity those people. Live your best life with with people who respect you for who you are. Chase your own dreams, don't try to live up to theirs. In turn, others better off than them at their new schools will likely do the same to them.
We are the 'poor' ones. Our siblings & family look down on us because we live regionally, not in the city or at the beach. Because we don't have flash cars or latest technology, live in a poorer suburb. We're constantly compared to them by family & reminded by our siblings of this. Anything we have people automatically attribute to my DH. The truth is the opposite of what you see. We've travelled the world, are almost mortgage free & never worry about bills. At least half of the money was earned by me. They all have massive debt, exhausted, constantly chasing more money to maintain lifestyle.
You just explain it as priorities.
Our gross income varies from $170-230K per year - and I wouldn't call us rich!
We live in a modest 3br 1 bath house.
In a town a few hours inland from the coast.
We both have 2 cars. An older (mine is now 15yrs old) daily driver and a nice car (when I say nice his is second hand and was 16 grand, mine is brand new and an SUV to tow a small van so was about twice that).
I buy specials, and home brand, and bulk.
I make as much as I can from scratch to cut out additives.
We wear Kmart and Big W clothes with a few nice pieces for going out.
You couldn't pay me to own Apple anything.
Those flashy "look at me" things like big houses, shiny cars, trolleys full of branded shit. It's all a symptom of lacking something. Of needing to be seen to be successful if that's what they think those things mean.
I've found challenging other people's opinions on these things a bit pointless. They don't want to know they're being pretentious cocks. Or that they vocalise those opinions so loudly because of their own insecurities. It's much easier to just be comfortable in your own choices so that when they dribble their shit it slides off like Teflon.
Sad😒 by this theory most people i know are poor lol...this lies heavily on upbringing unfortunately and she may need new friends..ones that are raised like mine..not to care about what others have or don't have..unfortunately it's hard when they become teen or pre teen because what their peers think means everything to them and its quite normal..sending strength to you all and congratulations for living within your means! Most of the others are more than likely not just to have "Stuff "
I feel very sorry for these other children. This behaviour is being learnt from their thoughtless parents.
Gratitude all the way. So important. A lesson that clearly isn’t being taught by these other superficial families.
It will definitely be hurting her feelings but you are doing everything right. Remind her that she doesn’t have to spend time with people that speak to her or treat her that way.
Unfortunately this is one of those life lessons that she will need to navigate herself. It will bring strength of character.
Remember to be kind to yourself as well. If you and your family are fed and happy with access to clean running water you are so very lucky. There are people around the world who dream about having your life. Enjoy the moments where you can. xx
This a wee bit off topic, but I grew up like your daughter, not the most wealthy but we had everything we needed.
By some form of sheer luck (it feels like luck because my parents work equally as hard as I have) i have ended up rather successful almost mortgage free at 30 ect ect.... I have one son, and it's so hard not to spoil him! I cringe at the thought of my son judging anyone else for whats in their lunch box, clothes they wear ect..hes only 3 but my god if I ever get wind of him being like that i would empty his room and send him to school with a very basic lunch!!
Anyway, think long term I reckon! Your daughter will grow up with a healthy perspective on life and will no what it is to work for what you get, her friends will get a big shock when they no longer have mummy and daddy to rely on!
I hope she makes better friends at high school
Xo