Hi
I am currently torn between with my relationship. I love him so much but there are issues that I’m struggling with big time and could really use some honest feedback.
My partner and I have been together for 2 years this time. We were together for 2 years approx. 6 years ago. The reason we broke up is because he has a child who is profoundly autistic and requires 24/7 care.
I have no problem with that but he asked me to marry him on Xmas day last year..happily accepted because I genuinely love him.
Fast forward to now where he was diagnosed with cancer but fought it and won ❤️ But had had spent his whole life since his daughter was born, trying to make enough money to ensure her future.
I get it and he has made a trust fund to ensure her future but I’m feeling like I’m
lost confused and alone. Every time I try to talk about it I’m labelled a gold digger and I’m feeling a complete piece of shit right now.
I pay the rent electricity and internet plus do a huge shop fortnightly to contribute.
11 Replies
You have to be smart here. You're not an asshole for taking care of yourself, and wanting things to be set up so you're happy. Don't defend yourself for that. Be fair and true to yourself and if what you want isnt what hes willing to do it's better to leave now than in 15 years after you've poured yourself financially into someone else's plan all that time.
Why can't she set herself up? Paying a few bills doesn't entitle her to everything if he passed while his high need daughter is unsupported with the remaining parent, in institutionalised care or in foster homes. The rates of abuse to children this vulnerable is insane. This father is trying to secure safety for his child rather than comfort for a newer relationship that is with an adult who is capable of looking after herself. The OP is 48. Her financial security should be reasonable based on her hard work, not reliant on someone else. And if it isn't, it's not too late for her to change that.
She's paying all the bills. She needs to be smart, that's all. Of course he will want to care for his child, but she needs to be smart and not be taken for a ride. There is nothing wrong with that.
I'm not sure how to say this in a way that isn't mean so please forgive my bluntness..... But he'd be a horrible person if he was focused on supporting a new relationship, regardless of whether he asked you to be his wife, over a child requiring constant care for daily living, in the event of his death. Paying a few bills doesn't change that. If I were thinking of marrying someone and I was in that situation I'd have an ironclad will and prenuptial agreement... and I don't agree with prenups. But his daughter is and always will be his priority. Worrying about what might happen to a child with needs that high if something goes wrong is a nightmare. It ends badly so often.
If I was his mate I'd be suggesting that only a woman who would want to continue supporting his child if he passed would really be good enough. I think you're being called a gold digger for a reason and I'm sorry to say that but I hope you either walk away or genuinely begin to understand his position.
As mum to a severely disabled adult son, I’m going to tell you as it is. My son will always be my top priority and any partner will be low down on my list. The level of fear and stress I have about my sons future is heavy.
That means time wise, financially and emotionally. Even with a lot of help from the NDIS he still takes the vast majority of my resources.
It’s ok to decide this relationship isn’t for you. Nothing to feel guilty for there. Personally I’m happy to date but I won’t get involved with anyone seriously because I know I can’t balance and commit to what a relationship takes to survive.
Does he have life insurance, tpd? That would help ease his mind.
Having a child with disabilities, not as severe as this, my child will always be my priority.
Any adult male in my life, should be capable of ensuring his own financial future.
I’m single, have my own assets/plan, would expect the same from a partner.
A partner, in this circumstance shouldn’t be your financial plan.
I think maybe you both need to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about finances and your goals. Are they currently joint or seperate? I’m a little unsure about why you’re being labelled a gold digger.. are you wanting access to the trust fund..? Do you not want him setting that money aside? Obviously he wants to set his daughter up for life but you also both need to plan for your own future as well
Yep. Pretty sure she wants the trust fund, for him to stop contributing to it or for his money if cancer returns and he dies to be hers.
I think with the cancer he's not working, shes paying for them to live while he's putting his into the trust fund.
I think it's fair that he not access that trust fund, that's not what it's for.
Relationships are for better or worse, and that includes sickness. He was sick, you stepped up and covered the bills that needed to be paid. You say now he's better, is he back to paying into the household again?
Is there a financial agreement between you?
I know when my partner undertook an adult apprenticeship he could not have honoured half of our lifestyle. He sacrificed what he needed to, paid half the mortgage and then only covered his personal costs such as fuel and rego. I took over rates, power, gas, health insurance, paid both our phones, home phone, internet, sons education, bought all of the groceries plus my own expenses including rego, car payment and fuel etc. That was a joint decision we'd made to get him his trade. As his wages rose he added in paying for more until we got back to half all shared expenses. You can discuss finances without even mentioning his daughters trust so try that tactic instead.
What's different now than 8 years ago when you broke up the last time? He still has the daughter, you don't say what about her caused the break up - but she is still there and still needing care.
Are you asking whether you should have his house when he dies? No you shouldn't. Smart man setting his daughter up. If she has severe autism she will likely be on the pension for the rest of her life. You have been with him 5 minutes and you're trying to take it? Work for what you have, you're able to.