Hi Mums, I need some help from the village.
I have a 14 year old boy with undiagnosed ADD/ADHD and ODD behaviours. I have been trying to get him diagnosed for more than 12 months, but the process hasn’t been easy.
I’m getting frustrated, and I’m feeling lost. When he acts out, fails to follow simple rules like bing home at an agreed time, I usually suspend his computer game privilege for a week at a time, as it seems to be the only thing he cares to lose. He is well aware of the consequence prior to the behaviour, and knows that he is the one who decides whether or not to follow the rules. Anyway, there was an issue today, and he lost his gaming privilege.
I went out for the day with his siblings (he was meant to come but chose not to) and when I got home, he was gone. I sent him a text saying it was getting late and he should come home, and he replied “why should I?” He said he hates my stupid rules and wants to live his life his way and I should be happy.
How do I respond to that? When he has these episodes, he digs his heels in and thinks he is better off on his own on the street. I want to take him to a counselling service, but he won’t go. I’ve tried using phone services but he accuses me of lying to them. I try to reason with him via text, and he responds for a while but then will shut off completely. I asked him to be home at a certain time he said nope. I tried to ask when he would be home, he just responds with “when I’m ready.” He won’t talk in person, even on neutral ground in a park somewhere.
How do I get through to him that we love him, and we want what is best for him, but there are rules he needs to follow, and consequences when they’re not? I don’t know what to do and I’m so worried about him.
4 Replies
What’s the hold up on the diagnosis? Usually these things will be diagnosed earlier on when they start school (not always) has he always had these behaviours or only for a few years?
Just wondering so I can make more relevant suggestions to the situation.
We are in Victoria so have been under restrictions for the most part of the year, we are also public patients so that takes more time. He has had these behaviours for his whole life, but only recently it was brought to my attention that he could have ADD/ADHD with probable ODD. I have reached out to many adolescent mental health units for assistance, and been told they would call back but they never do. It’s been tough.
You need to go to your GP and get a referral and a card plan for a psychologist and they will test him and guide you both. They are fantastic. Take his phone away until he goes.
I think you need to spend a day with him on your own doing something fun together. Let him pick. Go for lunch and movie or something he wants to do. Talk to him on his own. Show him how much you care. Explain to him how much you love him. Keep his phone off of him until he does things for you ans respects you and your rules. Maybe look at helping him find a part time job. one step at a time. Speak with the school councillor also and maybe they can speak with him and guide him. But I think you both need time together more often. it’s such a hard age. Support, hugs and be very open with him. He could be crying out for attention or feeling left out anything could be going through his head. Spend the day together asking him to be open and honest with you and tell you all his worries and ask why he feels this way. Hug him. Show affection and just be there but don’t let him disrespect you. Take the phone until he gets help and sees pschologist. Get a care plan from your dr for him. Keep trying but don’t attack. Be there for him and let him speak without judgment.