Tonight I lost it and smacked my daughter. Not hard, and it’s the first time.
I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household and swore to myself I would never let my children experience the same.
My almost four year old daughter has me at my limits though. She’s violent. We are not violent, ever, her dad and I barely even fight and never where she can hear. She does not get to watch aggressive tv and does not play video games.
Tonight because I turned her audiobook off and said it was bed time my baby decided it was okay to not just slap me but punch, kick, bite and even try and pull my face off in anger.
I tried to get her off but she’s too heavy for me to lift and I ended up smacking her on the leg to shock her into letting up enough that I could move.
Her dad heard me crying and took her to her room. I eventually calmed down and went to apologise for hitting her and explain why what she did was not okay. She laughed at me.
Everyone always tells me how lovely and sweet she is, her daycare teachers have glowing reviews of her behaviour. She is never like this for anyone else.
I’m genuinely scared to tell her no anymore for fear that one day she may actually hurt me more than she has already.
It’s not just violence either. She’s verbally aggressive. Telling me and her dad that she hates us and wants new parents. Again she is never like this outside of our house.
Please give me any idea where to go from here. I’m so lost and trying to figure out where we went wrong.
3 Replies
You are not alone. Go to your GP and get a referral to a paediatrician. Look into some parenting classes and some sort of an assessment. Get help asap because whilst 3yo can be turds, this is not ok.
Gosh you sound like a great mum!! You sound sincere and calm and loving. I bet you are doing an amazing job! I have 4 kids - 2 were like this. Little horrors. Broke my heart. But... they are in upper primary now and are beautiful. I have 7 nieces and nephews and some of them did this too. They are all lovely well adjusted children. Someone once told me that the “street angel / home devil” scenario is a good thing. You have taught her how to behave towards other people and in public. Well done. Not everyone masters this. But they fall apart at home because this is their safe place and you are her safe person. She knows you won’t hate her forever. She was tired and wanted to listen more. Absolutely discipline her (and please don’t stop saying “no” to her and undo all your hard work) but don’t beat yourself up about this. I think the fact that you are though l, further points to how much of a great mum you are! Those 3 year olds will push every boundary you give them. Don’t let your past trauma change your current parenting style. You are doing a great job! Keep saying NO and keep loving that little devil/cherub!
This does not sound like normal 3-4 year old behaviour, telling you she hates you and wants new parents at that age is quite concerning!
I think you need to see a gp and get a referral ASAP to get her assessed for any issues and I would also look into parenting courses or something for you that is going to give you the confidence to set boundaries and stick to them and be a little more in control of things.
Being scared of your 3 year old is also not good and is only going to get worse as she gets older.
I have just completed the circle of security parenting course and it really went into how our own upbringing shapes us parents. Often parents who have had shitty childhoods ( I was one of those!) either follow the footsteps and become mean too or try so hard not to follow and become weak. Neither is beneficial for the child. You need to be able to understand what’s going on and find that balance of creating boundaries and being firm while also being kind.
It’s not easy but I think with help for both of you you will see improvements 💖