i Recently received an instagram message from a girl with screenshots of conversations between her and my husband .. basically it has been going on for 2-3 weeks He has been sending dick pics to her and videos of him playing with himself. They had been sending snap chats she had not sent any explicit pictures as apparently she charges for those And he explained he couldn’t afford them She was unaware he was married and called him out on it and he begged her not to tell me.. he has told her he was lonely with 3 kids doing it all on his own etc and messaging her ..
I have recently just had our 3rd child 4 weeks ago.. to say I’m disgusted and hurt is an understatement I shouldn’t have to be putting up with this at this time or ever We have had What I thought was a loving strong marriage he is a good person and a great dad but has been dealing with his troubled childhood and depression and has explained that he has no idea why he did this that he was feeling lonely and fighting demons and that it felt good to have attention and excitement from someone he didn’t know.. that he is glad he got caught because it’s not who he is as a person and that he’ll never stop fighting for me and will do anything to win my trust back.. he has deleted all his social media accounts and said he’s an open book and will do anything..
I’m struggling with playing back the conversations between them I read She sent most of them too me and answered any questions I had I just feel sick to my core and so betrayed at such a vulnerable time after having a baby. Ive always been affectionate as I can and attentive always obviously having just had a baby I have been unable to be completely intimate as we are use to being but I’ve made a strong effort on top of everything else with him. I feel so much resentment mostly because I always put his needs above even my own which makes me so furious that I was an After thought to his own selfishness!
Has anyone had experience with similar situations or any advise for me be this is betrayal and I feel like I can’t trust him he went behind my back messaging her while playing happy family with us after I had just had our baby and snooping around being shady I feel sick every time he messages me or tries to get close to me Now The thought of being affectionate or intimate with him makes me feel sick.. I feel like he’s ruined us and the person who was my safe place my home has knocked all the foundations down .. I know some may say he didn’t actually physically cheat and he had said that too but if the intent is there whether and total disregard for me..
Also I feel like I have no one I can talk to about this I just feel like an idiot and I feel isolated because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it it’s embarrassing for myself and for him.
23 Replies
Yes had the same..turned out there was heaps more. He always denied it all though until the game was up. Watching him lie then admit, lie then admit made me realise that's who he is actually is. A cheater and a liar. And I dont want him. Breaking up was hard of course. But being broken up is the best. He hasn't changed, it's only much more clear to me now, I was holding on because of circumstance. From the outside I'm glad to be out. And no, no one thats having a baby and building a family deserves that. You deserve someone that loves you and respects those things as much as you do. You cant make him be what you want.
Why would you want to? I don’t mean to sound rude, but your worth a lot more than being with someone that can do this to you.
My partner and I were similar, after having our first child a few years ago we struggled on and off and had some issues.
He had sent inappropriate snap messages/photos that i come across.
We did couples counselling and he realised some home truths about his childhood and upbringing which he had never even thought would be associated with his behaviour.
He come from a broken home and his parents passed him around from relative to relative then he spent years at boarding school. In turn, him having a happy, together family was extremely foreign to him and when my attention wasn't on him and was on our child, his need for attention went to the next person as that's how he was brought up.
Not saying that this is the problem your partner would have but if you are open to counselling it can really help. A few years on and we are together and happy. We have worked really hard together to overcome issues. It definitely takes time but from my experience I believe it can work if you both want it to
Thanks for your response glad to see there was positive ending My partners calling the drs today.. So he can seek help I’ve removed myself from his issues I know his actions speak more about him.. but can’t get out of my head how he’s made me doubt myself and question my worth but if anything has made me realise I’ve been putting all his needs above my own and he had everything so easy with my affection for him Given so freely .. Trust is hard to get back if at all so I’m struggling with that he’s doing everything in his power to prove himself .. but I don’t no if ill be able to move forward or if it ever be the same ?
Not defending your husband but that girl sounds like she's reeled him in and then when he wouldn't pay more she threatened him to tell his wife and here she is. Someone should out her so she doesn't keep doing it. Definitely not innocent on her part, she would have been asking for the pictures etc. Obviously got sick of waiting for dollars.
Wow. Maybe don't put shame on someone for the way they make a living? There's no law against her occupation, she's allowed to have an OF or similar, she's allowed to charge for explicit content. Usually they don't ask for anything explicit from the customer in return. She could very well be someone who doesn't want to deal with dickhead husbands who lie about their situations, and maybe the pics were unsolicited? Assume she's an ally, considering she did the right thing and contacted his wife, even after he begged her not to.
My husband never paid any money their was no explicit photos given on her behalf he asked she said she charges it’s her job .. she sent through all the messages and went through his Instagram and found out he was in fact married
They normally don't care that they are married.
Im not shaming her job I'm actually shaming her for not doing it properly 😂 Asking for photos so you can later use it as blackmail is not part of that job and I'm sure anyone that does it will tell you so. Most of the men that use those girls would be married, she wouldn't have a job if she was so against married men sending her messages 😂
So i wonder, was he a grub? Why send her pics when its her job to send pics? That doesnt make sense to me. She doesnt get paid to interact and receive. Was it requested? You saw the conversation how did it come across to you?
think it was an attention thing for him sending her pictures of him after a work out and of him explicitly gave him a thrill thinking she would enjoy it who bloody knows .. telling her he needed a friend etc he needs help and he has said he’s going to seek help because it’s out of character for him to do anything like this and he’s disgusted in himself ..and what he’s done and put me through I’ve put the ball in his court as to what he does the issue lies with him at this point I don’t think it has anything to do with me.. he has everything in me and our family and he knows that ... I go from being ok to being angry to being sad but feeling worried and sad for him my response to it has really surprised me.. I nearly feel this needed to happen made him realise he could lose everything
I thought the same. She makes more money by blackmailing cheating men. As bad as each other.
I have to agree I think her behaviour is pretty predatory.
I don’t think either are innocent.
And sending doc pics is abhorrent behaviour. I do t think I’d ever look at my partner the same again. But I’m a prude and I know that.
You aren’t a prude. Unsolicited dick pics are the worst.
Nope, his behaviour is gross and disgusting.
I don’t see her as predatory. She was doing her job just like cam girls, prostitutes and phone sex workers.
He tried to make it personal, she tried to keep it professional, referring back to the payment. He tried to get freebies by playing the personal sympathy card. She shut that shit down.
OP I've been in this exact situation. Except it started when I was pregnant and I found out when our girl was 3 months old. He struggled with me being pregnant and that was his excuse. She was a friend from his past and met up with her one day and they kissed. They shared nudes and videos when he was away from work, he told her he had feelings for her. I only found when her boyfriend messaged me trying to get in touch with him and he denied anything up until I found her on Facebook and messaged her myself. I was vulnerable and stayed with him. Now it's 4 years later and although I haven't caught him doing the same, he's still selfish and self centred and a liar. I left him last week and I've never felt so free. My advice is, you always will struggle with this, it's not something you get over and although you'll move on, it will always be a part of you. I always put him first too and I regret it. Of you don't feel like you will ever truly get over it and be happy with him and have that same love back, then leave and don't waste time like I did.
Try therapy together! You just had a baby, you deserve better. Sending virtual hugs.
Yep! Forgave him, he went to counselling was good for a little while and then it continued to happen with whoever he could get attention from. Sorry mumma, you deserve more, basic respect at the least x
This was my life 3yrs ago he cheated and I had no clue he was working nights I was so tired with our new born that sometimes I didn't think it was late as others then 6 months later I received FB msgs from a random Girl asking if I new where he was saying I know U guys have kids together and he's your ex but I really needs to talk to him he was asleep in my bed we had not be separated I asked him if he new this person or the friends of hers he denyed even knowing them she sent me photos of them msg saying he's nearly done at work and can visit her for a few hrs but needs to go to his house n get sleep we went to counciling he still lied n said it was only a few hook up she gave me dates and times for a 6 months period of their times together he said she's lying when i looked more into it they where hospital days he couldn't make or when I went to visit my nan in respite home ect or nights he was working back it all came crashing down 3yrs later he's sorry and come clean and we r trying but I don't trust him and can't love him like I did and it's fucked save your self and the kids the pain and time and focus on rasing your family easier said then done I know
I was in a similar situation and he used his childhood trauma as a way to make the girls (not just me) to feel sorry for him and therefore make excuses for his behaviour. Over and over again I caught him out, he lied saying he promises it won't happen again etc.
Your husband - He did it, he got caught out and asked for her not to tell you. Did he feel guilty? No Did he tell you himself? No. If he was glad he got caught he would have told you himself because he would have felt guilty.
Also people who say he didn't physically cheat so he hasn't done anything wrong are full of crap. He hid something from you, lied and went against the boundaries of your relationship and did something that he knew would hurt you.
If he is truly sorry there are steps you can take. You both receiving counselling together and separate. During the couples counselling he may say all the right things and promise everything to say he will fix this, make sure there are actions that follow this. Actions speak louder than words. Keep a look out for patterns of behaviour too.
This might happen in counselling but make sure you have complete access to his phone, computer etc. He needs to be willing to be an open book, if he has nothing to hide then this shouldn't be a problem, if it makes him feel better make it go both ways (my ex refused to do this and that's how he became my ex).
Also check out Jana Kramer and her husband Michaels book The Good Fight (they also have a podcast). He cheated on her physically and more but he has put in the work and continued to put in the work to change himself. They have also both worked very hard together to keep their relationship healthy and happy. They might have some more insight into how to make it work if you can truly see that he wants to.
Saw a comment about you worrying about your self worth. There is a book called You Are Enough. Also you seeing a counsellor by yourself also help with this.
Get rid of him disrespful pig!
yes i have been in the same situation where my husband did very similar, it was just when our children were around 2 & 3 and i had been having a lot of health issues (was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia and fatigue). he felt the he was doing everything and couldn’t understand how one day i would be able to do heaps then nothing for days because i was tired, worn out and in pain. it did take time for us to get to a better place again but we got there. i do still have times when i’m feeling depressed and angry over what happened over 10 years later but since then we are actually stronger than before and my husband shows me more love and affection than he used to. i think the fear of losing me and our children was enough to scare him. you need to talk about it with each other and you both need to listen to what the other says. and i think your husband needs to seek counseling for his childhood issues so that he can be the best husband, father and person he can be
Firstly, I would love to give you a huge hug, you shouldn’t have to be dealing with this. Ever.
Secondly, no body can tell you what you need to do. My husband and I had a similar strong relationship and I found out he was a drug addict, I had no idea! I felt like such a fool. But I stuck in there for a few years, he hurt me a couple more times, and I made the decision to tell him to leave. Oh did he fight for us!!! 5.5 years later he is a changed man, an open book and clean and sober and helps others struggling with the same demons. I KNOW it’s different, but I did manage to trust him 100% again. But that will be up to you. Good luck xoxo