For context:
My mother and I have a very strained relationship. She kicked me out when I was 16, which was a relief in a way as I'd endured years of emotional abuse from her.
We made amends (for lack of a better word) a few years later but irreparable damage was done. I essentially tolerate her now to keep the peace.
She has bipolar disorder, she is often off her meds entirely or she uses them improperly. This can make her an incredibly unlikable person. She is extremely narcissistic, has absolutely no empathy and she can be downright rude.
When she's stable, she's slightly better but can still be quite difficult.
She's a very flaky parent and grandparent.
She makes promises to my kids and doesn't follow through.
She'll shower one of my kids with gifts of their birthday then not even acknowledge my other child's birthday - their birthdays are 3 weeks apart, she knows this.
I don't allow her to have unsupervised access to my children (with good reason), which she hates me for.
I also don't support the marriage.
My mum found this guy online, a week later he'd moved in, 6 months later they're engaged. He has taken advantage of her vulnerability in many ways, he manipulates and controls every aspect of her life. She quit her job because he asked her to, she sold her car because he asked her to (under the guise of them needing the money but it was more so because he now needs to drive her everywhere - which he refuses to do).
He has been disrespectful to my aunt, grandmother and uncle who is intellectually disabled (he has also tried to get my uncle to buy him alcohol and whatever else).
He also called me a stuck up c**t (behind my back) because I politely declined his offer to babysit my kids.
My mother has already told people that my girls are flower girls in the wedding, she's apparently even bought dresses.
She hasn't even asked me! Not that the answer would be a yes. My kids won't be attending the wedding regardless.
The people they associate with that will be present at the wedding are not people I feel comfortable having my kids around (violent drunks and drug addicts to be clear).
Until now, I decided I'd go alone, mostly for my elderly grandmother's sake - all this tension and division in the family because of my mum's behaviour and life choices breaks her heart and she'll go despite all this, nothing any of us can say will change her mind about it and I know she'll need the support.
My siblings and other extended family are unlikely to attend either.
But the thought of sitting through this event makes me feel sick.
What would you do?
10 Replies
Its completely your decision. Looking at everything, its definitely ok to not go if it will affect you negatively. You co u ld go to support your nan and to send the message to your mum that you're there no matter what, because she probably will need it eventually. And you wont regret that you went, no matter how it turns out.
Or you could send her a gift and card letting her know that, and not go. Whatever sits best with you. You are never an asshole for doing whats best for your own mental health and sanity.
If you rock up with out those kids, it’s going to be an incredibly volatile event for you to attend.
Do Not Go.
I would go to the ceremony and let my kids be part of the wedding then skip the reception if I thought it was going to get crazy.
If you had completely cut your mother out I would say sure, skip the wedding but you're still hanging in there, you are still letting her be part of your kids lives and you are now kind of obligated to at least show up. With kids and parents, you can't pick and choose which life events you will be a part of, it's all or nothing.
If you don't want to go to the wedding you need to just be done with it and cut her off completely.
You definitely can pick and chose and she is under no obligation. That’s one of the best parts about being an adult, you don’t have to do what your mother wants anymore
Ceremonies can and do get crazy.
I left a cousins wedding before the ceremony started because people were already drunk/high/ behaving in a way that demonstrated that things were already out of hand.
The OPs family don’t sound like they’d be on there best behaviour because there is a ceremony.
So if your Mum, Dad, etc decided they don't want to go to your wedding because they don't like your partner or your guests then that's ok? If the relationship is too toxic OP needs to cut contact rather than just keeping a string attachment. This does more harm to everyone. Skipping weddings, withholding kids and allowing her to spoil one child and not the other etc actually just adds to the toxicity of the situation. I completely stand by my comment, with family it is all or nothing and that's why I have nothing to do with my Dad but would do anything for my Mum.
Yes, my mother hates my partner for no other reason apart from the fact he makes me happy and she is still alone after how many failed relationships. So if I did invite her to my wedding she would make a scene and try and ruin my day. Because is she like that. If it’s not about her, it has to be ruined. For that reason she wouldn’t be invited. And if she was to get married again. I wouldn’t go and neither would my kids.
Op here.
If cutting my mum off entirely was the easiest, least emotionally taxing option - I'd have done it years ago.
It's really not that black and white though...
There has been less drama in the years where I was amicable with my mother than there was whilst we were estranged. Cutting off my mum essentially cuts me off from my whole family and I literally don't have any other support network.
My children don't actually have a lot to do with her these days, they're lucky to see her twice a year because of the behavior I mentioned. They developed a relationship with her when they were little (pre teen aged now), back then she was doing well. Her mental health was under control, she was stable and she was doing better than I can ever remember - that's when I tried rebuilding a relationship with her and my children got to know their nanny. Things were good for a while but it all gradually started going down hill. I had to put these boundaries in place and reduce the contact my children had with her for their wellbeing.
I am also acutely aware that my mother is getting sicker and more unstable the older she gets. A lot of her toxic behavior is beyond her control.
It may be difficult for you to understand but I do still care about her and her wellbeing despite all of this!
Holly crap, are we sisters because I could have written this myself. My mother is single at the moment thank god. But I completely under where you are coming from. I completely understand what you mean about going for your grandmothers sake because I would also be in the same situation if she married again. Nobody would go but nan. And I would want to go to support her, not my mother. Maybe go to the ceremony to keep your nan company, then you can both leave together before the reception starts. I wouldn’t be allowing my children to go to any of it though.
I wouldn’t go. I fact I would cut the little bit of contact that you do have with her and call it a day. You and your children don’t need that kind of toxic in your lives. I’m sure you will be a lot happier once that nastiness is out of your life