We just found out that hubby's mum has lung cancer, since then he's been drinking him self stupid every night for the past week. When I try talk to him about it it just ends up in a fight. I know I should be here for him but his drinking is hurting ( not physically ) me an our girls an he can't see it. What would you do in this time. He will not talk to any one else he just shuts them out
28 Replies
I'd let him process things a bit. Sure, it's not the healthiest option but it's been a week and if you push it you'll probably ostracise him and make it worse. If he's not physically hurting anyone I'd just give him a wide berth and take on most if the parenting tasks in the short term personally. Talk to him about healthier coping mechanisms and supports when he's not reeling so much.
Early days, hes processing. Give him 2 weeks and see what happens.
Shit, he just found out his mum’s going to die very slowly and painfully, give him a break
I'm gonna go against the grain a bit here.
I don't doubt his anguish, receiving such news is monumentally life changing for the whole family.
However, as a mother, my priority is to my children's emotional and physical wellbeing.
A week of binge drinking, presumably the typical drunken belligerence that comes with that and a complete unwillingness to see or at least have a conversation about how his self destructive behavior is impacting his family would be enough for me to say "if this is what you need to do to come to terms with things, you need to do it elsewhere until you're in a better headspace or I will take the children and stay elsewhere until you are in better headspace".
She can't just tell the kids to leave daddy alone for a bit? It's only been a few days... not exactly an entrenched behaviour. Surely the kids don't really need to be that aware
It's kind of hard to avoid a parent you live with and nor should children have to walk around on eggshells in their own home.
Kid's take in so much and are aware of far more than we give them credit for - one of my earliest memories is of my drunk father punching a hole in the wall then falling down and bawling his eyes out. I would have been aged 3 at best...
I don't know what led to that moment, I don't know how my parents resolved it but it's a memory that'll stay with me for the rest of my life and it's one I really wish I didn't have.
He's entitled to come to grips with this however he wants, he's not entitled to hurt or traumatize his wife and kids in the process. They aren't his emotional punching bag!
When my dad died i drunk myself stupid every night. It wasnt belligerent drunk, it was literally so painful that I got drunk to stop feeling and to get through the night, sleep. It was emotionally wild. It didnt last long then moved into the next phase.
As I said, if this is the way he chooses to cope - that's his prerogative.
However, the OP said in her own words that his drinking is hurting her and her children. That's the problem...
Long term sure its not ok, short term im mot sure if its really hurting them. I mean, the diagnosis and reaction whatever it is, is going to hurt them. Hes doing it at night, its only still within the first week...
I dont know you dont want this to become a bigger problem. Maybe just say thats it's okay while he is processing this information but if it becomes a long term thing, you won't support it.
I think its important to find a middle ground. Let him deal with this news in his own way, but make sure he understands it can't become a permanent way of life as it affects everyone, not just you guys but him also.
It's almost at the end of the week, an yes he's still coming to terms his mum has lung cancer. But he's basically written him self every night an called in sick for work every day .his 4yr old daughter is in tears every night saying dads drinking an getting drunk again. And telling him she doesn't love him cos he's drunk. Yes everyone is saying give him a break to let him get his head around it, but when Im on the go from when I wake ( round 5am every morning for work) , get kids ready for school an me ready for work ( on my feet for 10hour ) then come home cook get girls in bath homework an them ready for bed ( 4yr old takes ages to go down ), I like everyone else would like to sit down for just 5minutes of peice an quite but no I get a drunken verbal husband. No kid should see or should a parent have to explain to a four year old why her daddy ( who she normally adores her daddy ) is extremely drunk every night, an doesn't want her around
Hes still responsible for his behaviour. As an adult, you fall apart at night, or away from your children. You need to give him that time and freedom. And you might be tired fr o m picking up the load for a while. But you do not need to accept abuse. At all. Set the boundaries, of 1. You will not abuse me verbally. 2. You will not be drunk around the children. 3. You can spend some time positively engaging with your kids at night before they go to bed. 4. Over the next week you need to sort this out and find a healthy way to work through this.
This is a part of relationships, sometimes you have to pick up the slack when the other needs it. Give him a break.
Single mums do this all day, everyday, 365 days a week.
I’m sure you can handle it for a little while.
Yeah, picking up the slack when one half of the partnership is down in the dumps is part and parcel of a functional relationship but everyone has their limits. Sounds like OP is pretty close to being right at the edge of hers.
I did think that when i read it, i have 2 amd this is my life always. But then I dont have a mean drunk in the house, so I am actually better off. Thats the part thats not acceptable.
She hasn’t said he’s abusive in anyway, just drunk, not mean.
Also, the four year old, what have you been saying to her for her to react like that?
Most mums would just say dads tired and shuffle them off.
I think whatever you’re putting in her head is more damaging than being drunk for a few days, grieving some bad news.
You need to protect your daughter and protect him at the moment.
That means not saying shit to your daughter.
How does a four year old even know the words drunk?
It is not the first time she's seen him or any of her other relatives ( hubby's side ) in this kind of drunken state. I have used the word had to much to drink. She has a very intelligent 10yr old sister who gets in trouble a lot lately for being rude an saying things ( the typical tweenager I know everything ),
I have in No way belittled or said bad words to her about her father. She has a 10yr old sister who I pull up on a number of times saying I hate you I don't love you any more to ( the 4yr old ).we live in a small place I cant just shuffle them off to the bedroom every night an kind of be out of sight out of mind just because they're father is drinking.
Stand by your man to support him an pick up the slack whilst he comes to term with the news about his mum, sit there an let him get extremely drunk every night is easier said an done. After last night an today I just can't to the verbal abuse I'm now getting. Early hours of this morning 1am I was made to get up a sit with him I wasn't allowed to move till he was ready for bed. Then earlier this afternoon he called our 10yr old daughter she was ugly an fat ( in no way is she fat she's 5ft an weights 50kgs, she has hit puberty an body is changing big time ), then just before I was cooking dinner an he called out to me to come to him, when I said I was in the middle of cooking an had something on the stove I'd be with him in a second I was told that wasn't good enough. He demanded me to give him to give him my key card she he could get more alcohol ( her started drinking at 2pm today ) has had 3 bottles of champagne 1 bottle of red 2 tall beers an now has just taken off to the bottle shop for more. Should I just sit here an take it just because he's coming to terms with his mum
You sound like you have a lot of resentment/hate for this man and this situation has just highlighted that.
I love my husband, but its hard not to be frustrated an upset when you've been spoken to an treated like @#$* for a week. It happened again this early hours (2am) of this morning I was made to get out of bed an sit with him till he was ready for sleep even got in trouble because I moved to get a blanket to put over me.
Surely you know this is all sorts or controlling and wrong?
It seems like you cant understand the replies. Every single post has drawn the line at him being mean with it.
You only posted about him drinking.
Actually, he is mean and controlling and depriving you of sleep and probably lots of other abusive things.
You know you can ask him to leave, or take your children and leave? Any time, his mums health doesnt come into it, abuse at home is never ok and if it doesnt stop, leaving the family home to keep it healthy for you and the kids is the only thing you can do.
Are you reading what people are telling you? You sound like you absolutely hate it? Are you stuck on what to do about it? You know the answer and dont want to do it?
It sounds like he’s looking for your emotional support in a drunk and bad way, but still looking for it.
When you sat with him, did you try to connect at all?
I’m jut not getting a caring vibe from you, maybe that’s why he’s using the bottle, he doesn’t feel emotionally supported.
Do you just approach him about the drinking or about his feeling regarding his mother?
It sounds like he’s in a really bad place and may need the help of a professional.
I have tried both when sober an drunk, he just closes up an doesnt want to talk, I get told to f##$ off or sit
What is your relationship like normally?
If he is drinking and wants to be alone just let him process. My husband went to his shed and just wanted to be alone. He doesnt drink but just didnt want anyone around for a few weeks.
Sure if he is being aggressive (apart
From when you try to talk at him) then yes talk to him
when sober but it could just be his way of blocking it
out. If its extended time sure Id step up but a few
weeks...
Eta just read your other posts. He sounds like a controlling A hole