I'm not sure what I want out of this but here goes,
My eleven year old was staying at my parents place during the covid-19 lockdown from school as I did not have internet access here at home (I do now) she stay with them for three weeks. The Thursday before school was to restart I called my dad to inquire about when she would be getting dropped home. Instead they told me she doesn't want to live with me anymore and hates living at our home. There is no neglect or abuse, she has her own room.
My parents have told me I have six months to get my shit together as in live the way they want me to be. Get a car, a bigger place a job, keep the house showroom clean etc. I was already looking for work got my lease reduced to a six month period, looking into driving lessons etc. However because I am not completing at the rate they want. I am not a good parent.
my daughter now talks down to me, remarks on how are clean and how the house looks exactly as my stepmother does, saying it really does stink here. She said my hair which is blue and green right now looks like piss and that her hair is better. She can't stand being near me for more than five minutes. All my daughter has said to a third party in regards to why she doesn't want to live with me is that she wants a bigger house.
My parents are undermining my relationship and authority with my kids. They keep telling me they just want what is best for my daughter and myself(other two children as well)
Am I over reacting?
10 Replies
Get legal advice, they don’t get to dictate this, they are WAY out of line.
Your daughter is just being a typical preteen girl and your parents have fallen for it hook line and sinker!
This is parental alienation. It's not just parents that do it. I have been through it and this is how it starts. Threaten them with the police, tell them to direct any complaints about your parenting to docs and get your daughter into joint counselling with you to mend the damage done. Good luck, dont let them bully you. Cut contact with them. You have age on your side as police will help if she doesn't come home.
No they don't get to withhold your child and set rules to get her back. You call police and have her returned to you. However they can call facs (who would work with you as much as they can and who set their own limit to removing a child and it may be well off your parents) but just really think about what they've asked, is it really showroom clean they want, or just not filth? I mean it concerns me that you don't know how to get your own child home from them? If you do, it bothers me that you haven't done it?
There's always two sides but only you know what's true. At the end of the day your parents have way overstepped, removing a child is not their choice to make.
It is not filth. The house my have a few toys laying around from my 18 month old, however there are no dirty dishes, clothes etc. I clean up everyday. I bug bomb the house every three months, I own my own carpet cleaner, use it every month. My entire family have emotionally and verbally been abusive to me since I was 12. I have been diagnosed with BPD, depression and anxiety. My family do not believe in mental health issues. To them I am worthless, only good at popping out babies, never amount to anything, etc.
If you yourself know it's an ok standard, then take your child back. Mental health, needing support, not driving a car, having a place too small, not working outside the home, none of those are reasons to remove a child.
Everything about the relationship and the way they did it says they are wrong and it will affect the child. Now if I called someone and said when will my child be dropped home and they said they won't. Well I would say, actually she will be coming home right now, and I would get an uber and go and pick her up, and not leave without her. And don't doubt me the police would be called within 2 minutes of her not coming out of that house. No disturbance. No argument. Just sit in the car and wait.
And don't get their help anymore. They're toxic people. Unless they can understand their place and accept they crossed a line but it sounds like you're going to need a backbone and serious lines drawn if you want to interact with them.
Can I ask, how old are you?
Have you recently moved there?
Have you recently separated from a partner?
If you are struggling, you can reach out to people who will help you and not judge you.
Can you talk to your parents if you are struggling?
In your Heart of hearts, is there any validity to their concerns?
There’s no shame in getting help if you need it.
I work full time in a pretty good job and I struggle financially to provide, can’t imagine doing it without a job.
My heart goes out to you.
I haven't had a partner for eight/nine years. Lived here since beginning of 2017. My dad and step mum have never raised kids themselves. I lived with my mum throughout my childhood. I am getting help through act for kids as I have BPD and seeked Thier help to get a better relationship between myself and my kids.
I lived with my folks for ages and my son is very close with them.
He likes to stay there sometimes on Friday night, but I can’t imagine dropping my kid off for three weeks?!?!
That’s crazy, I think you’ve given them too much power.
My parents also respect me as the parent.
I think you need to regain their respect, not send your kids for such a really long time, it sends the wrong message.
I would have either got internet or most schools offered the curriculum in paper form.
You need to go get her and never rely on them again for such a long period of time.
I can 2 types of comments here... They are undermining you and turning her against you and there's something wrong you need to change.
No one knows the whole story only you do.
Do her grandparents spoil her, give her everything she wants? Do you struggle? Is she being a spoilt brat or are her concerns valid? We don't know the whole story.
What I do know is that my kids love going to their dad's. He doesn't spend time with them, but they have their own computers, can pretty much do what they want and just stare at a computer screen all weekend, No one forcing them to do homework, let's them eat crap I don't, don't get in trouble for much, don't have to shower... But he doesn't spend l a lot of time with them, he doesn't have to enforce the hard stuff, he doesn't have to do the weekly routine stuff. I was a single mum for years but as I had to raise 2 children I couldn't work enough to buy them whatever they wanted and everything was always tight but I was there. My eldest is now 13 and she can see that and understands the quality over quantity. Yeah my mum would whinge about my house not being spotless and washing piled up but the kids now realise if they help me things get done easier and I have more time to chill with them and don't always have yo be the mean mummy with the rules.
Tweenage girls are starting to get those teenage hormones and are gonna start fighting back so it's important to listen and validate her concerns no matter where they come from and work with her to find a solution. If that means she helps you to clean the house so you can both enjoy it or takes on some responsibility to so can work more to earn enough to pay for the things she wants or whether you feel like living with her grandparents is going to be beneficial if there's stuff you need to sort out but talking to them about how they are making you feel as well is important and getting them onboard to foster a relationship with you and your child while she lives there but if they spoil her they will only ruin everything.
Lots of things to co spider and look deeper into and only you know what's right.