Advice for dealing with 18 yr old at school
My son has turned 18 and is in yr 12 at school. He’s a great kid. However he has recently got his first girlfriend . They’ve been dating most of the year but he and has started staying the night at her house ( every second weekend) . At her house he’s allowed to stay in her bed. When she comes to our house she sleeps in the spare room as We don’t feel she should be in his room. I have found out they’re having sex and feel v uncomfortable about this. My husband says ‘ he’s 18, nothing we can do?’ My question is..,, do I just leave it? Is hubby right?
My other concern is that son has recently attended small get togethers ( due to restrictions) where meth and cocaine been available and encouraged. He’s said ‘ no’ and told us about it. I feel being open with us is great and that I can’t stop him going out, nor do I want to , as otherwise he will stop talking to us. However a friend said I should not let him go out and I should contact the boys parents who are taking drugs and tell them. These are his school friends but I don’t know the parents. At school they’ve had all the usual info about drugs. I don’t want to ‘ dob’ the boys in . What should I do? Please give me some advice?
Advice about sons girlfriend staying over and drugs at parties
Advice about sons girlfriend staying over and drugs at parties
Posted in:
Teenagers, Dating & Sex, Drugs & Alcohol
23 Replies
He’s 18 an adult why are you worried about him having sex? You’re wasting your energy on that one.
With the drugs yes I would be concerned but proud your son told you about it keep the lines of communication open. I think just keep talking with your son as an adult about safe sex and the dangers of drugs encourage him to talk to you so he knows he can trust you
You can’t stop your son having sex. He’s not 12!
There is absolutely nothing to do here. Your son is 18 and needs to be making decisions for himself around drugs, alcohol, sex and friends.
This is the age where you have to let them test there boundaries while being there to listen and offer some advice.
Are you going to report the drug users he encounters at the pubs and sports? Your son holds all the power here as he should do. Reporting to Your sons friends parents (who are probably 18) will just make your son a pariah, friendless and less likely to come and talk to you when he encounters these situations.
As an adult he will encounter these situations at work, uni and you reporting other people won’t atop your sons exposure and won’t help your son to not use.
Your friend sounds like she doesn’t have adult children.
Absolutely agree with you here. Her son is telling her about the drugs! There is open communication here, which I believe is super important. He’s 18, remember being 18, and the feeling that you knew it all? He said NO, huge kudos for that. Welcome to the real world - where we meet/work with different types of people. With regards to sex. Your house, your rules, but this can lead to them hiding it -doing it in potentially unsafe places.
I think the only topic of discussion here are the drugs.
At 18 it’s not your role to ring other parents. It is to maintain a very healthy conversation with your son about the implications of those drugs. Encourage him to continue to make the right decisions.
I'm unsure what the point is having them sleep in desperate rooms at your house if you know they sleep together at hers. 18 is a very decent and normal age for sex so long as he does so safely.
The drugs is a little harder situation as you said you don't want to (and rightly so, can't really) stop him from goinf to these gatherings. But I think knowing he is educated enough about these drugs, capable of making his own decisions and not conforming to peer pressure are all important things to talk to him about while he is being so open and honest with you. That's something I would really tread carefully with as I wouldn't want to ruin that trust in him.
As for his friends, I'm not sure I'd say anything unless it really got bad. But chances are, it won't take long for their parents to figure it out anyway.
He is an adult. It’s not your business who he sleeps with and its ridiculous and so over bearing that as a legal adult his mummy won’t let him have a girl in his room. You are way to invested in you sons sex life! Drugs, he is being open and honest with you. He doesn’t have to be because again he is an adult. You sound way over bearing and controlling. Maybe taking like 40 really big steps back and mind your own business. The way you are acting is only going to drive a huge wedge between you and you son and probably later on you and your husband. Once he does settle and get married I can imagine you being the mil from hell.
By 18, I think you've really just got to trust that you've given your kids the education and information they need in order to make smart choices.
Given that he spoke openly with you about the drug usage he's observing at parties tells me that you've instilled a good sense of right and wrong into your son and also that he can come to you for advice on how to navigate all this stuff.
There's no way in hell I'd have talked to my mum about any of this stuff at 18, to be honest, the stuff I was doing at that age would give my mum a stroke.
So that's a real achievement, well done!
The sex thing, non issue.
Truth be told, you're lucky he made it to 18 before having sex. 12/13/14 year olds at my high school were having sex and getting pregnant so...
At his age, he's mature enough to handle the adult aspects of relationships and it's quite sensible on his part that he waited until he had his first serious girlfriend before taking that step.
It probably does warrant a chat about being safe but otherwise, he's fine.
Your house your rules... you can’t stop him from having sex he is 18 years old, he’s technically an adult he can buy booze and have sex and vote according to the government. If you don’t want it happening at your house fair enough but honestly you’re being a bit overbearing. The more control you try to exert over his life the sooner you will loose him and he’ll move out of home. Maybe that’s what you’re aiming for??
As long as he’s not sharing a room with a younger sibling and they aren’t having sex where they are over the top by screaming and making it known so the whole house knows why so controlling?? Let him put a lock on his door. Ignore that he has sex and if it’s because of religion you don’t like him having sex at home then that’s your prerogative. Be prepared to loose your child early if you interfere in his personal life.
This is a point I made long ago about holding kids back a year before sending them to school. They’re 18 before they finish school and are going out partying and having adult fun whilst still studying and parents are all gonna freak out. Because their baby is still in school and being an adult at the same time and they no longer have the same control over their lives as they are 18 and not 17 and are now considered legally adults and have the ability to become independents.
I'd by more worried about those drugs then sex.
Make sure he has access to condoms, whether these are put in the bathroom or his bedroom, make them available.
I hope his girlfriend is on some sort of birth control. The problem is the mother to be (and her family) usually make the decision on whether a baby is born or not. So let's face it, if your son gets her pregnant, it isn't up to him.
Drug wise, I'd be encouraging him to stick to his principles about not taking drugs and to keep an open door about it with you. Knowing that he spoke openly with you about it speaks of the trust he has in you.
Anyway, goodluck.
All these comments are really good, however, I'd just like to add by asking, how old is the girlfriend? As it will change my whole perspective if she's underage..
I’m the poster....
Thanks everyone for your feedback . The girl is only 16 which makes me uncomfortable I would not feel concerned if she was 18.
I also don’t ask my son any questions he told me about the drugs etc without a single question out of my mouth ., I deliberately don’t say much as I know that is is amazing that he’s even telling me ! I just tell him that I’m proud of him for being strong and he’s always got our support .
However I will take on board some suggestions .
To whoever said I would be a MIL from hell, wow I thought that was pretty cruel
16 is the age of consent. So I’d only be concerned if she was younger than that.
Nothing to worry about other than the usual STD and unwanted pregnancies, so I assume he knows about safe sex and protecting himself even if she is using contraceptive.
Bit worrying tho that a 16 year old is allowed to freely have drugs at home. I'd be very suspicious of her parents on so many things. That is, if they are even aware their 16yo daughter and her mates do drugs . But that's another story about another household..
The parties aren’t at the 16 year olds place.
I'd be a bit angry at my 16 year old daughter if she were having boys in her bed for sleep overs if I'm honest, but each to their own.
Does she come from a good family? Drugs like that at 16 makes me cringe.
16 is a perfectly okay time to be having seem any earlier, no. But 16 is the norm.
Wow I see your concern as I wouldnt want my daughter at 16 sleeping over with an 18 year old. Things are so different these days, it’s quite scary. Her parents must be pretty laid back about it all. Hopefully they are decent parents and encourage them both to be on the right path. I guess it is the norm these days. Not sure I’m ready for my kids to hit these teenage years 🤦🏼♀️ As long as it’s safe sex and they keep strong and don’t touch drugs then hopefully all will be ok.
I think many of us are at the age where we remember those days or parties at such and such's house. Parents weren't home, copious amounts of drugs taken, sex.
What we'd also know after so many years is that as you age you either grow out of those circles and succeed in life, or you stay in them and never pass through (what I call) the bullshit age.
You don't need to harp on the drugs at parties but he's been honest with you and made you aware. He's young and he NEEDS your guidance, he doesn't have your experience with people. Have a discussion on how friendships evolve over time, how when your friends lives no longer align with your own goals and values it's ok to inject space and grow apart as you both strive towards different goals. How the basis of true lasting friendships aren't based on groups of people doing drugs together. They work more on the "brocode" method where you're only a mate if you remain a "bro", they'll drop you like a maccas wrapper the second you no longer prove useful or entertaining. All these things we know because we've lived a couple of decades more and sometimes forget that it's not ingrained knowledge in the youngsters hitting adulthood now (despite the fact we were often in our 20's or 30's before we worked it out for ourselves). Hopefully the voice of reason in his head makes him more aware of what is happening around him at these parties and he realises it's not the right place for him, or for his girlfriend to be.
Cut the cord, he is 18!
Sit him down and be very open with him about having protected sex, making sure it’s safe and talking about the drugs and tell him how proud you are of him for telling you and being open. Show him some videos of drug users and how bad it can be. Tell him he is the bigger person for standing up and saying no to these idiots and you hope in further he will continue to do so. Tell him it’s people who try it who become addicted and you worry for him that they may pressure him. Tell him maybe he should do things with his gf like go the movies, dinner and spend time with her. anything to get him away from that drug scence, it’s scary.
It's your house your rules while he is there, he is an adult she should be allowed to sleep with him. It's great he can be honest with you. Lay the ground rules down and give him some trust. This may turn out to be the lady he's with forever. He will always be greatful that you have made her feel welcome and part of the family. Or he will leave and end up living at her house.
Ok so I am speaking from experience.
I though the same that the drugs were not an issue, raised right and was saying no except some weed.
The problem lies in what happenes when he’s had a bad day, week, month and is constantly being offered?
A weak moment and takes the harder drug. Just once right? It’ll be right right? Depends on his personality.
I have seen someone become so addicted that they lost jobs, health, partner, money, dreams and all in 6 months.
If I had my time over I would encourage different friends.
Being 18 it’s hard as you can’t demand or stop friends but you can talk a lot about situations, consequences and choices. Be on the look out for signs. I didn’t see them, they are not very obvious as they hide them very well.
And a 18 yo brain is not mature for years yet.
Sex
Even though you can’t stop it, I still say it’s too young. But be thankful he is talking to you.
But you don’t need to change your rules just because gf house is lacking.
He sounds like a bright young man but he still needs guidance and the talking is great.
Good job mumma xx
And to add
Yes I would somehow let the parents know.
They need to know to be able to have discussions and be aware of it turning to an addiction and heaven forbid they are in a hospital and the doctor is screaming What drugs has he taken and the parents are like oh my boy doesn’t do drugs.
And it can be just once.