I grew up with controlling parents that have since become narsseccistic (dr diagnosed, although they deny it). They have always put me down, telling me im lazy, ill never amount to anything, etc. Any time anything goes wrong im immediately reminded of ALL the mistakes ive made, and made to feel shitty. "if id just listened to them then i wouldnt be in the shit". They also spin situations so we are the bad guys and they are the victims, which some family believe. Yes ive made mistakes in my life, but i took ownership of those and worked through them.
It has taken a lot of time for me to be able to stand up to them and to try to stop them controlling me.
My husband and I have decided enough is enough and we are moving away. For my own mental health and to try to lessen the impact which is already showing in our kids.
My mother is now bringing up every reason why we cant move away. We havent told her where, she found out through the grapevine that we are planning on moving away. But we havent told anyone where. Its a big drama, and lots of tears, and im taking the grandkids away, what will we do if we run out of toilet paper, etc etc etc.
I know im not wrong for wanting to have a life where im happy, and not constantly looking over my shoulder. But how do i stop feeling so shitty about it. I know its all apart of their manipulating, and on the outside i think im being really strong, but inside and behind closed doors im a mess.
Ive never lived away from family before and im terrified. My husband is very supportive and is trying his best to help me.
12 Replies
You start by blocking there phone numbers on all the families phones and by blocking them on all social media platforms.
Keeping these people in your life will just perpetuate the trauma. It doesn’t matter how far you move, if you keep in contact you will stay stuck.
Anytime the thoughts start getting to you, fight back in your brain, challenge them. Other adults live long distances away from there kids and aren’t given the guilt trips. Healthy families are excited for there kids.
Get yourself a tonne of therapy.
PS you won’t be living away from family because you will have your husband and kids. Start redifining what and who family is!
You move. Soon. Don't tell anyone when or they'll invent ailments or reasons for you to stay. They've done nothing to deserve you, they don't offer support so you're not losing anything.
A friend taught me a technique called 'putting up your mirrors'. When they start, imagine a huge wall of mirrors cocooning you, deflecting their comments. Odd, but it helped me learn to not absorb my MIL's comments & take them personally.
Be ready as they'll keep ramping up the nastiness to stop you. Instead of letting it upset you, use it to spur you on - think what being free will be like & how you're protecting your kids.
I wish you a wonderful new beginning. Come back & let us know!
From experience, the best thing you will ever do for you and your ‘family‘ is move away. If you stay things will remain the same. My parents were the same and even though I moved away from them over 20 years ago I still had them in my life eg calls, visits etc. 13 years ago I decided that enough was enough and I cut ties altogether and wow what a difference it made to our lives. It took me a few years to stop feeling shitty about it but I knew if I invited them back into my life it would go back to the way it was before so I just kept moving forward. I have siblings but we were never close and they live in different states so I never cross paths with them either. Sadly some of us just aren’t meant to have close family and I am ok with that. Don’t let them manipulate you into staying. It’s your life. Do what makes you happy, you won’t regret it.
This is what my mother does best. Pressure not to move away and always wanting us to move back, when in reality we don't get on and it's never nice living close to her. But every time she will lay it on when I move away. What helps is knowing that once you're back, if you stay if you go back, NOTHING will change.
Well you've already solved this and answered in your post that you are moving away, letting go mentally will come with time. So just go with it.
Also I don't know how if a doctor diagnosed them as narcs to their faces, that they would just deny it. Its usually a pretty strange thing for a dr to say to someone's face as a diagnostic name.
You are a survivor. Delete - block and move on. You will get through this. Psychological blackmail is the worst as it sticks in your head. I’d recommend counselling and go for it
People who don’t have toxic parents don’t understand. So try and avoid advice such as ‘but it’s your mum’! I moved 6 hours way from mine and limit their contact to once a week, a FaceTime session with my kids which I’m present for. You need to set boundaries and you do this by limiting contact and not engaging in their bullshit. In my case it’s my mum who’s the narcissist and my dads the enabler. My childhood was hectic, she was always unavailable and too busy cleaning to spend time with me and I can’t remember ever feeling loved or valued as a person. I still am not, instead she sees me as an extension of her. It’s sickening to be honest. My dad just sits there and let’s her do whatever she wants and puts up with her craziness.
The best thing I do, is if we are on the phone or texting and she starts her shit, I just stonewall emotionally or don’t reply. She’s learned I will not engage if she misbehaves. My sister does the same, we both can see right through her.
Honestly, move away, they can’t stop you. Happiness and freedom awaits you.
I moved away to QLD and left family and friends behind. It’ was the best decision and my decision and no one else’s business. I feel so free and enjoy our new life every day. I made friends quick through school who are all lovely and they have become my new family. While my situation isn’t as bad as yours, I still needed to get away from using friends, controlling mother. You won’t regret it. Make this decision yours and own it. Go and be free you have no one to answer to. Get your kids away from the hell they put you through. Stop listening to their words and cut frequent contact with them. If they nag you, tell them the decision is yours and they should be happy for you and end the convo there. Ignore everyone and do what you want and be free for the first time in your life to make your own decisions. Don’t feel guilty. You have one life, go live it!!
Gosh they have such a hold over you. I’m so glad you are moving away from them. I really hope this will be an amazing change for you. In the meantime - limit the you have with them at all costs. Tell them you have play dates, you’re at the park, your kids have the runs. Try to block them out as much as possible!! Then when you go text instead of talking to them. That way you can really think about your replies. I imagine they have a way of gas lighting you so it’s hard to stand up for yourself. Years of mental abuse has done this. Good luck with everything.
We live a long way from both our families. We visit.....we are very thankful we rely on us and us only.
You don’t need to feel shitty, this is your life and you want what’s best for you and your family. You are brave and loving to do what best for you and your family. Please start feeling proud and strong! I know easier said than done but try and brush of their comments or see it as a reminder in your mind - this is why I need to move and hopefully once you move things will improve!
My step father is narcissists too my mother past away last September and this year I finally cut all contact with him for my own mental health
You can only take control over your own life when you stop giving the power to others Is what my therapists told me and it’s so true
For the statement she said to you what will you do if you run out toilet paper that’s easy you will just go to shops or servo if need be
Take back your life from them set up boundaries to protect yourself and keep to them
Yes it’s hard but it does get easier when you see the massive improvement in you life because they no longer have control xx