So I need some opinions on a situation. My question at the end is about my relationship with my partner, but it’s his view on a friends relationship that has me baffled.
Some close friends were having trouble in their relationship. No need for the details, but the wife ended up asking the husband to leave and live with his parents till he sorted himself out. He chose to live with friends that she had never met.
A month later she asked him to come back. He said he will spend the weekdays at his friends and come home on weekends. But he never did he only came for a few hours to see the kids
A few months later it came to light that he was sleeping with someone else. Started after she asked him to come home. The moment the wife found out was the moment she ended it for good.
Now, my opinion on the situation is that the husband cheated. The wife also believes the husband cheated. My partner believes he didn’t cheat as the relationship was over the moment the wife asked him to go sort himself out.
Maybe the husband thought the same, but he himself acknowledged the cheating as stupid and he didn’t know why he did it etc.
(There’s so much more to their relationship and no reason to believe he was cheating prior to leaving the house)
So now my worry is, if my relationship goes through hard times (As it does have its ups and downs) and if we ever have a big enough fight that one of us goes to our parents for space, is that normal for him to take the stance that it’s the end?
Maybe I’m just old fashioned and of the opinion that a relationship ends when one party says so (especially when there’s children and mortgages and joint finances etc).
Is there a reason why my partner believes that you don’t need to have an ‘it’s over, I’m never coming back’ convo. It’s not like the husband just left and never contacted her again.
Don’t really know what I need for advice,
Maybe just Insight into the different perspective.
11 Replies
The Ross and Racheal ‘we are on a break’ debate again. It’s timeless.
Because I’m older, wisened and have watched Friends, I would assume asking my husband to leave is breaking up, unless we specified otherwise.
For me, if the separation is with the expectation that once each person has worked through their issues then try to fix the relationship, and both want to try fix the relationship, then it would be cheating. I guess it comes down to what the people in the relationship think, everyone will have different thoughts and opinions. This brings to mind the whole Friends Ross and Rachel “we were on a break” situation.
We went through this exact same thing. We took a break, of like 2 weeks. We both kissed other people in this time and came back to each other. Yeah you could say we both cheated however several years on we've buried it and agreed that we both were in bad places and we cant change it.
I dont think it's a one size fits all, had we said prior to the break "we are planning to come back so therefore no involvement with others" then there would have been a line crossed. But we didnt.
If you were to fall into hard times in your relationship and took a break i think the most important thing Is to be on the same page as to where each of your boundaries lie. One persons situation doesnt mean it will be your situation.
No it's bullshit and look it just helps things really, if you ask someone to take space and work on fixing their issued, and they go out and start banging someone else, well that's helpful really, helps you not to waste anymore of your time.
I really think it depends on what was said when they went their separate ways. I have separated from my husband about 5 years ago but we ended up working through our stuff and got back together. During that time I did say he could see other people but I wouldn’t be. In that case if he did see someone else I wouldn’t classify that as cheating but if I did I would classify that as cheating due to what I said. In the end neither of us saw anybody else during the 3 or 4 months separated.
This is why I don't really believe in "breaks". I would have to be at my complete wits end before suggesting one... even then, I'd just end it for clean break/done/finished. Then at least if it happened in a round about way that we came back together, no one can accuse anyone of anything because it was a dead set clean break up.. no ifs/buts....
In your case, if that ever hapoens, make sure you're dead clear. And don't suggest something you know his views sit differently with you.. you just wouldn't suggest a break now knowing his views are so far different to yours. You'd have to work it out under the same roof, or break up properly.
I dont think its cheating. A break is a break from the relationship, dont take them if you dont want the other person to sleep with other people.
I had a friend who was in the most confusing relationship I've ever known. They lived together briefly after their son was born, it didnt work the way she wanted it too so then she moved back to her Mums and he moved to the other side of Australia. She calls herself a single parent, he pays child support. He rang her often to find out how the baby is going etc. Then he gets another girlfriend and my friend calls it cheating because they apparently had not broken up yet. It was about 6 months after they had gone separate ways.
It's just about clear boundaries and respecting each other when the shit hits the fan.
If it were me, I'd pick a time when we were both not angry and just say "hey, about the other night, I'm sorry we got into an argument over it considering it doesn't even have anything to do with us - poor form on us there. I understand your position is right for you even though I don't understand why, that's ok. I just need you to hear that for me, I will need that discussion on what our intentions are and what our boundaries are. I think "friends.." could have saved themselves a lot of unnecesary heartache if they'd just been open with each other from the start".
It'll take 10-15 minutes tops.
Man, if you heard some of the stupid stuff we'll "disagree" on, but we both have the freedom to believe what we believe and have the other person respect that.
If you can’t sort it out within your family home and someone needs to move out. It’s over
You really can't expect to have your cake and eat it, and if you think you are being smart by forcing the other person to leave , just to 'see if they come to their senses' while 'you have a break' then you are asking for trouble. You have made your bed, now deal with the fallout. Maybe should have though twice about asking the other person to leave in the first place!
You really can't expect to have your cake and eat it, and if you think you are being smart by forcing the other person to leave , just to 'see if they come to their senses' while 'you have a break' then you are asking for trouble. You have made your bed, now deal with the fallout. Maybe should have though twice about asking the other person to leave in the first place!