Recent Early Pregnancy- terrified partner.
We’ve just found out we’re about 6-8weeks pregnant (awaiting first scan in a few weeks). This is a first baby for both of us. I have a rather messy medical history so was never really sure if kids were on the cards for me. My partner knows my
Medical history and he’s trying to be supportive whilst concerned at the same time. Hes said kids were never on the cards for him, but that he would try to change his mind set and be accepting to our new probable future (probable as it’s early).
Since we found out he’s been nothing supportive until today. Today it’s as if he’s started spiralling into a horrible place as is talking about terminating as now isn’t a great time (covid19 & my medical stuff).
I however cannot bring myself to terminate this baby but I also understand where he coming From. He wants a reason why I feel this way (about terminating) but I just don’t have an answer, it’s nothing I’ve ever seen myself being able to do.
We didn’t plan this, the world is on fire and our relationship seems to have changed extremely fast (not living together to now having to live together etc)
He’s said that he’s scared that he won’t like the baby as he’s never wanted one, he doesn’t have a strong family network around him therefore, doesn’t know how to be a part of a family unit. I’ve told him if he’s unhappy with the idea that I’m happy to do this without him which he is opposed to for his reason “I’ve come from a broken home, I won’t let my kid go through the same sh*t”.
I will not force him to be apart of something he doesn’t want to be and I’ve made that abundantly clear. However he is adamant he will be around and will remain supportive but he just isn’t being. He says he’s worried about me as I’m considered high risk but it just feels like he’s only thinking of the worst case scenarios.
I’m confused with what to do, is this smart? Should we be doing this now? this whole situation is new and I’m so worried the stress I’m under with him being so undecided is going to affect the baby negatively.
7 Replies
Forget about COVID 19 being a valid reason to terminate. You don't need to take that into consideration.
As for his other reasons, it sounds like he's got anxiety which is really normal. He's second guessing his ability to be a good Dad, which kind of means he will be a good Dad because he wouldn't be worrying about his ability if didn't want to be a good Dad. It sounds like the reality of it all is now hitting him and his mind has gone into overdrive, thinking the worst.
Would he call men's help line to have a chat to put things into perspective? I would say see a counsellor but that should be avoided right now with everything going on.
Would I decide to deliberately get pregnant today? Nope
But that’s not what has happened. You are pregnant.
Would I have a termination because of covid-19? No, I’d just make sure I was taking all precautions.
As to him, he is entitled to have some very confused emotions and he is going to have to go through some mental/emotional processes. It sounds like he wants to do the right thing. He just needs to go through shit, give him some time. When I got pregnant I had the exact same feelings, but here I am with a 26 year old son.
His process isn’t always going to be your process and respecting each other’s process is going to be important.
We were married and planning a family and my husband still freaked out when we found out I was pregnant. When we talk about it now, 4 kids later, he says it was just such an abstract idea, the baby didn't seem real until she was physically in his arms, he was worried he wouldn't be a good dad or provider, he was terrified there would be something wrong with the baby or something would happen to me and he just had an immense sense of no control.
The thing that stood out to me was when you said the relationship is changing quickly and you had to move in together. Personally I wouldn't rush into that if you both feel your relationship isn't ready for that yet. You've still got another 8 months before your baby is here - take the time now to process your pregnancy before making other big decisions.
And congratulations on your pregnancy x
What are the medical issues you have that are worrying him?
Will your life be in jepody?
Are you in a serious relationship? It’s just you said you don’t live together.
Becoming a mum or dad is a big adjustment, give him time to get used to the idea.
If you want this baby, don’t terminate for him or anyone else, go with your gut/instincts.
Enjoy the journey that is motherhood, hope everything goes smoothly xxxx
Don't terminate , you obviously want this baby and you won't regret having it. You may regret not having it. Good luck
Show him how much you care about him and have decided to keep the baby. Give your child the family unit that he hasn’t had. Start getting baby books and take small steps. He will come around Once the baby is growing and he sees his baby on the first scan then I’m sure he will change his mind and be excited. Also many people are high risk. Reassure him you will be monitored properly and in the best care. Things will turn out for the best. It’s exciting!
Not having a family dynamic to refer to and being his first baby I can understand where his head is at, my head was there 14 yrs ago when I had my first, I didn't think I'd be able to provide a child with a family life when I never knew what one was but I have done it, I'm still doing it, I give them everything I ever wanted my family to be growing up, everything I wished my mum had said to me I say to them, every special occassion my dad missed I make sure I'm there for theirs, all the love my parents failed to make me feel I give to them because I don't ever want them to feel how I have felt.
My point is your partner may have had a similar upbringing as mine but that's not to say he doesn't know what a happy home looks like he saw and feels what happens when a home is a broken, he knows in his heart what he wants his child's life to be and he will find a way to break the cycle and make that happen just be his greatest support while he does ❤️ my husband was mine and it's made our relationship so much stronger, I come from a happy family now, one I created, 4 beautiful boys and a wonderful husband