I have been with my partner for almost 8 years now. We have 2 kids, 11 and 5. Oldest doesn't have any contact with bio dad and is also ADHD/ASD. For the begining 6 years of our relationship we both worked. Him FT (38hrs) and me PT (approx 30hrs) I took 6 months maternity leave when youngest was born, all paid. Until our youngest started school I done all house work and organised everything for kids. Done drop offs, pick ups, appointments etc. The only thing I didn't do much was cook dinner he took control of that one and is an amazing cook.
Once the youngest started school begining of last year I started working FT and told my partner he had to help more with kids. I start very early in the morning (5am) and finish in time to get kids from school 1-2pm. I am on a 6/4 (30hrs one week 46hrs the next week) roster so work the whole weekend once a fortnight I get 1 day off during the week, every week. He started at 7.30am so could do drop off at OSHC and got every weekend off. He chucked a few tantrums about this initially but eventually got over it and accepted the responsibility. I still get the odd tantrum from him about it not being fair that I'm at work causing him to look after kids on my weekend on by him self. I got promoted not long after going FT to assistant manager.
In July last year he got made redundant after 10.5 years with his company. He told me he wanted to get back into work asap. His redundancy pay out only lasted 3 months then he was out of money! I have no idea what he spent it on. I had managed to save a fair bit while he was working and was devasted to find out he hadn't saved any money in the 10 years he was working.
7 months later he is still off work and not contributing anything towards any of our family expenses. In the last 7 months he has applied for 4 jobs in his old industry where he has experience. We have had many conversations about how he needs to get some money coming in because I have used all my savings and am now living pay check to pay check. It is that bad now I struggle to pay rent which is $420per week.
I have suggested we stop before school care until he gets a job he doesn't want that to happen he likes getting kids up and out the door by 7am. We literally have no money but he still wants me to buy smokes (every 2nd day) and get him alcohol for the weekend every weekend!! If I say no we can't afford it he cracks it and is in a mood for days. I have now just stopped it and allow him to have his tantrums. We agreed when he stopped working that he would take care of the house work but I would still help with things on my weekend off. That lasted a month now I am doing majority of house work and cooking atleast half the week while working and still doing everything with the kids. I lined up 3 different jobs for him but he refused them all saying they were beneath him and he was too good to work those pathetic jobs. He didn't attend the interviews which were a mear formality..
I am exhausted stressed and over it all. I'm now finding my self being short with him, snapping and just generally miserable. I feel like I'm starting to resent him!! I have thought about asking him to leave more than I'd like to admit. He has started selling things he owns just so he can get alcohol and smokes. This is making me even more angry as there are bills I just can't pay and think that money would be better used else where!! I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. How do I get him to realise he needs to step up and start helping me? How do I get him to do house work and take some of the burden off me? Everytime I bring it up he says I'm attacking him and nothing he does is ever good enough for me. He even suggested that I give up my job (I've been with my company for 12yrs) so he has more flexibility with potential employers. He thinks the reason he hasn't got a job yet is due to my early mornings and how he is responsible for dropping of the kids.
I think he could be depressed? Any ideas are greatly appreciated and if you read this whole thing I thank you from one very exhausted/stressed mum.
How do I fix the resentment I am feeling towards my partner?
How do I fix the resentment I am feeling towards my partner?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Money
11 Replies
Is this entitled brat my ex you are with? Jobs were 'beneath' him too. I'm not trying to downplay that he's been unemployed for 7 months and has no money, but my ex was unemployed for 14 years while I provided everything from rent to utilities, kids , car, furniture, Bill's, and alcohol and smokes. I paid 100 percent of everything day in and day out. 14 bloody years of it. He was nothing but a liability. Don't be like me and give it 14 years. Downgrade to a two bed unit paying less rent, take ur kids and move in and tell him hes not coming. The longer it goes on the resentment turns to hate. Why would he want to work and provide when you keep letting him get away with it? Just like stupid me did.
Downsize, pay less, rent, move out, and get rid of him. He can always come back when he can prove he can hold down a job for 12 months.
He does sound a little like a man baby.
He is likely depressed but a big help to his self worth would be to work.
Maybe start leaving the bills out where he can see them. I can’t believe he drops the kids off at 7 when there is no need to! I’m sure that would save quite a sig amount to redirect to other bills and reduce your stress.
I’m not sure how you address this without making him feel attacked. Good way to shit people down when you don’t like what they are saying really..
I’m quite confrontational so I’d likely say yes I’m attacking you - you haven’t contributed or worked in x amount of time. Your lazy and unhelpful. Sort your shit... likely not to get me anywhere but it would feel good for two seconds.
This isn’t depression, it’s always been his attitude that you are responsible for everything and he is just responsible nothing.
There is no attitude change here, he’s just doing what he has always done minus working.
He has always thought housework and childcare is solely on your responsibility. If he’d had a personality change after the loss of the job I’d buy the ‘depression’ but what you describe has been occurring before the job loss, you just got pretend more because he went to work.
You really need to re-examine this relationship? Do you work as a team? Do you have shared financial and life goals? Do you have similar views on how a family should operate?
I personally don’t believe this is a resentment you should get over. It’s just delaying the inevitable. Eventually you will have had enough of being a single parent and realise he doesn’t bring anything to the table other than being an extra person you feel obligated to look after.
How do you fix the resentment? By him growing up and acting like a team player!
I think you're both at fault. You're partners with children and joint living expenses. The my money your money division is ridiculous. It might work for you when you're both earning, but you're not both earning so to say it's your money isn't nice. I agree with cutting back smokes, but he's addicted so you'd need to get him to his GP for champix and actually reduce intake, not force cold turkey. I'd also be checking that if you pull the kids out of before school care there won't be issues getting them back in with minimal notice if he gets a job offer. If no issues, I'd hold firm on that being an obvious saving. I probably wouldn't stop him having alcohol for the weekend but would explain that reducing and then quitting smoking and stopping unnecessary child care will allow some flexibility for that while there is only 1 household income. Assuming he isn't drinking excessively to that is.
I would say though, he might have a point with being the person who does morning drop offs. Currently, my husband leaves for work at 4.30am and does pick up and I start work after school drop off and work a bit later. This work brilliantly for us. But it's only possible because we've got flexible working conditions due to having worked our way up over more than a decade. If either of us were job seeking, we would need to reevaluate. The fact is that it's highly unlikely that we could get new jobs that allowed that given standard industry hours for both our professions and the fact that we might not get something so local etc. I think it sounds like you are both resenting each other because neither of you listen to the other and you're acting combative rather than 2 people who love each other and are on the same team.
The guy is making no effort. He says jobs are 'beneath' him, and practically refuses to help with the kids. I'd say it's so much more his fault than hers. If she's providing financially in her job then his job is to diligently look for work and see to it that the kids daily routine is done without sooking.
I don’t really see the difference between him and a mum that’s chooses to stay home and rely on her husband to support the “family” while putting the kids into day care for one day a week so she can have her her time
The difference is they a) can’t afford ‘daycare’ b) he isn’t doing anything around the home to contribute c) they can’t afford the lifestyle of one of them staying home, d) it isn’t a decision they’ve made together, e) he still sees child rearing and housework as her responsibility.
The kids are in school, they don’t need daycare!
The difference is it wasn’t a joint decision and it’s a decision the can’t comfortably afford.
What stood out for me was that you’ve been with him ten years and had no idea of his financial situation? Isn’t it our financial situation? That is so bizarre, are you a couple sharing a life or two people living separate lives? No wonder you are renting, because buying a home together would mean sharing a goal like a couple and being a family. When you go out for dinner, do you like add up each other’s meals and split the cheque? You have zero compassion for him and he has zero for you. It sounds like there is absolutely no love there, now he’s not contributing to the bills, you want him gone. He sounds like a lazy prick who couldn’t care less of the stress you’re in. You didn’t list one positive trait about him in your post and I don’t think the word love was mentioned once. This isn’t a relationship, not even close to one, it’s a situationship.
Your post was so clinical, the amount of hours you have both worked since you got together, not one true feeling. Have you ever even liked this guy?
Actually I stand corrected, you said he’s an amazing cook, is there anything good about him that isn’t him providing a service?
Sorry no advice but know you are not alone and you have a whole tribe in the same boat. I went from 30 hours part time to 45 full time. Got a surprise with that - 38 plus extra as normal.....anyways you get new job and yes yes I will help he says. 18 months later and nothing. I'm still doing everything I was, no matter how many hours I do. Plus extra.