Hello - I have a question about child protection. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We have two children. When our first born child was 9 weeks old, he fell/rolled off a lounge chair. We took him straight to our closest ED to be checked out. He was fine (thank god) but 4 days later I had 2 Child Protection officers rock up at my door. They were so awful. I get that there are people out there who don’t care for their children, and I understood why they had to come out and ‘investigate’ the incident, but they were just awful. They wanted to see where my baby slept, how I cleaned bottles, they talked to our families, talked to my husband and it felt like an interrogation more than a fair investigation. A week and a bit later they made contact with me and told me that they had closed the case - as it was clearly an accident. It was such an awful experience and I’ve always had this doubt in my mind about how I should parent. Fast forward two years and my husband and I were experiencing some difficulties in our relationship. It got so toxic that he ended up punching me in the face and breaking my nose. This was not witnessed by our then, 2 year old child, but I never in a million years thought my beautiful, loving and kind husband would ever do that to me. I went to the police station just to see what sort of support was out there for me to leave and they ended up locking me in a room and basically forced me to tell them what had happened. They wouldn’t even let me leave to go and pick my son up from daycare. I told them what happened and they put a DVO against my husband. My husband moved out of the town we were living in and we were apart for 14 weeks. He was still calling and FaceTiming everyday to speak with our son and we were civil. i could tell he was extremely sorry. He ended up getting an amazing job in this new town and a beautiful house and I could tell everyday that he was sorry for what he had done. I absolutely do not condone what he did to me, but I can see why it happened. I had backed him into a corner and he had told me on a number of occasions to leave him alone and to go away but I kept going and it ultimately led to him hitting me. Anyway, after a 14 week ‘break’ my son and I moved to this new town with my husband and things were amazing. A lot of the issues we were having in our relationship were due to certain people (Family members) in the town we were living in, so once we left it all behind we were good. About 12 months later, I was at work and I get a call from Child Protection, again, but this time due to the DVO. I’m guessing the police reported it to Child Protection. They came out to our home and we basically had a chat for about an hour. My husband then came home and they had a chat with my husband also. I got really emotional and started to cry because I was so terrified of them taking our son away. They reassured me that they only take children away from their parents in ‘extreme’ circumstances and that everything they were seeing in regards to us was positive. Two days later I get a call from the case workers and they told me that the case had been closed. My son is around 3-3.5 at this point and over the next 12 months we start having some major issues with him, behaviourally. He had always been a full on baby/toddler. He was constantly on the move and always moving either his leg or his hand. He got kicked out of one daycare due to his impulsivity and behaviour. We found an amazing little kindy for him who had educators that were really experienced with behaviourally challenged kids. He was 4 at that point so was in kindy. We had started seeing paediatricians and child psychologists to try and get to the bottom of his behaviours. The child psychologist worked extremely closely with us. We would see her on a fortnightly basis and she would have a session in our home and then also at the kindy (to monitor his behaviours in a social environment). About two months into starting at this new kindy, there was an incident involving my son and three other boys. They were hiding in the outdoor play area and they were found touching each other’s private parts. Ofcourse, because my son had the behavioural problems, he was blamed for it all. One of the sons mothers was so mortified that it had happened, she went to our local police station and made a report against my 4 year old son. I had a great relationship with the director of the kindy and she advised me two weeks later that child protection had been made aware of the situation and made contact with the kindy. The director told me that she reassured the child protection officer that we were very ‘involved’ parents and that my son was going through some behavioural problems at that time. She also told the child protection officer that the incident was unwitnessed and that there were three other children involved, and that they can’t be certain that my son was the instigator. A Child Protection Police Officer made contact with myself (due to the other mothers report) and I explained it all to her and even invited her out to our home to meet my son. She declined and said that she see’s these sorts of things happening at schools and kindy’s quite often and that she just had to make contact with me and get my side of the story. The ‘investigation’ was closed and no further action was taken. My son did some work the the psychologist about ‘the human body’ and safe behaviours etc and we haven’t had any issues with ‘private parts’ since. Fast forward two years, we’ve had another baby and my son has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is on medication and see’s and OT every month. The medication he is on causes horrible ‘come down’ effects and our sons behaviour. He is so violent and aggressive (common side affects with the medication) and his meltdowns last 1-2 hours. We are waiting on an appointment with the paediatrician to change his medication. Two weeks ago, I turned the TV off because my son swore at me. He was given three warnings that I was going to turn the TV off but he disregarded the warnings and I turned the TV off. The meltdown started at around 2pm. He was screaming, slamming doors, hitting me, kicking his cupboard, and just being awful. I’ve been to parenting classes and have worked closely with all of his specialist so I feel like I am equipped with all of the tools and knowledge to deal with his behaviours. My husband on the other hand, works 10-14 hours a day and hasn’t been able to attend as many appointments or the parenting classes. He was bought up completely different to me. If he ever spoke to his parents the way our son speaks to me, he would have been flogged. My husband has very little, to no patience with the sorts of behaviours our son has. He doesn’t understand that ADHD is a neurological disorder and that our son really can’t help some of the behaviours he is experiencing. He feels we should discipline every negative thing our son does. He is terribly scared that our son is going to turn out to be some sort of delinquent in his teenage years, but I am working extremely hard to make sure that doesn’t happen (therapies, lots of sports and exercise, the right diet, and just trying to get his medication right).
Anyway, back to two weeks ago when my son was having a meltdown. It had been about an hour and a half since the meltdown started and our son is STILL screaming. My husband cant tolerate it so I’m always the one to deal with it. My husband is in our room with our baby, and I am in my sons room trying to calm him down. I am a very patient and tolerable person, but my son was starting to really get to me, so I decided to leave him in his room and walk away. As I was walking into our room, my son runs up behind me and fly kicks me in the middle of the back. I fell flat on my face because I wasn’t expecting it. I look up at my husband and he is seeing red. He grabs my son, drags him to his room (by his arm) and then gives him three big smacks on the bottom (with his hand). He puts on his big scary voice and says ‘IF YOU EVER HURT YOUR MOTHER AGAIN, I WILL FLOG YOUR ASS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME’. Our son was abit shaken up, as this hasn’t happened before. Our son will get the occasional tap on the bottom, but that’s it. My husband will use his big scary voice as a last resort but 90% of the time we keep calm and use all of the strategies provided to us from the specialists.
My husband and I are now doing ‘family counselling’ to try and get him on the same page as me, and for him to understand that ADHD is an actual disorder and it seems to be helping (so far). Our son goes to Vacation Care three times a week to get him out of the house, and I advised them of what had happened, just incase my son told anyone about it. I wanted to be upfront and honest. I am extremely terrified about them having to report it to child safety though. I know we are good parents. We are invested in our kids. We love our kids. My husband works so hard to provide for our kids and I work really hard being a stay at home mum. Our son is in two team sports, does an after school activity program every Friday and I am heavily involved in his schooling. We are doing our best in regards to our sons ADHD and behavioural challenges. Yes there are times where I yell and scream, but I’m only human. We certainly don’t abuse our kids, we don’t drink or smoke and definitely don’t do drugs. I am so concerned with the last three encounters with Child Safety, that I’ve actually contemplated putting up a security camera inside our house, so that if they ever do come again, I can show them what we deal with, how we parent and how we live. I feel like I actually have some sort of PTSD from the first Child Protection Visit. I constantly think about them coming again. I’ve seen a counsellor because of my fear and the only thing I got from her was your know you’re a good parent, so don’t worry’ 😪
I’m worried that if another report gets made, they’re going to look back at the other three encounters and think ‘we’ve missed something’. I am so stressed out about it all, and I constantly second guess myself as a Mother. I’m not really too sure what I’m asking for, I guess I just needed to get it out.
Child Protection
Child Protection
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids
26 Replies
Even if they come back again you have proof of seeking services for support. I don't think they will even bother opening a case for smacking unless he was injured? I do think that you are going the wrong way with that though, it sounds like you're too scared to discipline your child because of Child Protection. I'm not saying you should start smacking but you can't just excuse him hurting you or swearing at you. Something has to happen. ADHD or not.
ADHD is not an excuse to not discipline your child. The fever that he swears at you and kicked you in the back in a fit of rage goes to show that they way you are approaching this isn’t working. I agree with your husband, in that instance he definitely deserved to be smacked for doing what he did. Also cps may close your case but it never goes away, every incident gets added to the folder.
She seems to be aware of that, hence her worry of more involvement.
I’m so sorry you are going through. this. I agree, from what you have said you are doing everything right. I think the cameras may be a really good idea to protect yourself.
This is my post and my reply to some of the comments so far.
How do you discipline an ADHD’er though?
He gets three chances/warnings and then there is a consequence. Is that not disciplining?
Some things shouldn't get a warning. If he's talking to you or someone else disrespectfully or physically hurting or doing something dangerous then that should be instant.
Not according to every single Paediatrician, Child Psycologist, Occupational Therapist and Parenting Class. I feel like my head is so full of information, I don’t know where to turn.
If he speaks to me disrespectfully I pull him up on it and say to him ‘please don’t speak to me like that’. If he does it again, I say to him ‘If you speak to me like that again, I’ll turn the TV off (or you won’t be going to this or you won’t be getting that) and then if he does it again, the TV gets turned off, or the consequence gets implemented. You’ve got to understand that these kids are very impulsive. He will walk past me and hit me over the head, and I’ll pull him up on it, and it’ll be like he didn’t even realise he has done it. It’s the impulsivity. He is not ALWAYS in control.
I know what ADHD is. I'm an ex teachers aide and have copped quite a few hits to the head myself. But they don't get 3 chances at school. Swearing at someone, physically hurting or being dangerous is automatic punishment. Usually sent to the office because I would be the one to have to somehow get them there 😂. It's not how they do it at school, for minor things yes, big things is instant.
Exactly why we have medicated him to get him through the 6 hour school day. When he is on the medication, he is great. It’s the mornings, the afternoons and the evenings we struggle with. The ‘come down’ we experience in the afternoon around 3:30 is just awful. The mornings before we can medicate is awful. The evenings when the medication has worn off is awful.
I hope you don’t expect everybody to give him 3 chances to physically assault them before action is taken?
I’m not sure if you’re trying to have a dig at me, or what? If my son physically hurts someone at school or a team sport or even in a social setting, he is dealt with immediately. Before medicating he was lashing out at kids at school. I took him to the police station and the police officer spoke to him about what happens when you physically hurt someone. He hasn’t lashed out at anyone at school or in a social setting. We more so see it at home when the medication has worn off and when he is getting a consequence.
That’s good that he at least isn’t hurting other children. It is always a concern. We had a child in my daughters class that would assault the girls on a daily basis, smashing their heads in to table tops ect. Nothing was done as he had ADHD and his mother would scream at the teacher if he was separated or sent out of class. It wasn’t until all of the other partners bombarded the principals office that that child was expelled. Parents really don’t appreciate sending their children to school be assaulted
I am not that parent. My sons teachers know that they can chose to discipline my son in anyway they feel necessary and I will be on board. I would never second guess what my sons teacher chooses to do.
I would never excuse my son hurting another person.
When i was a child i had adhd i would be given a top up of my medication after school so that would get me through the rest of the day can they not do that for ur son?
I’m a different poster, but I too have an ADHD child. When they come down off of their medication they are at their worst. My child does not receive 3 warnings, they get one and then then the consequences follow if I have to tell them again. You don’t get three chances when your an adult. You’re trying to get him to adult hood right?? If I gave my child 3 warning every time I’d be pulling my hair out.
As a parent it is your responsibility to ensure your child is not violent towards you. Even when they are coming down. My child slams doors, yells, screams but the moment they raises a hand or foot at me you bet the discipline is put in place.
They received 3 sharp snacks on their butt the other morning becasue they were screaming at the top of their lungs whilst we were in town because I refused to make pancakes for breakfast and I asked them to keep it down. Did they make another noise after that, of course they did, but not the full scream or throwing of objects they were doing becasue I wouldn’t make them pancakes. I rarely resort to smacking my children. My child in this instance got a smack. I had tried reasoning with them, I had spoken to them (told them that there will be no pancakes today and they had the option of cereal) and they just kept going and escalating. After the snacks and once they had calmed down and had been let out of time out and had their meds they came to me and apologised for their behaviour and I apologised for smacking their butt.
I get how hard it is. I have my days and so do they. But I ensure my child is medicated everyday and the days they aren’t are hell. I’d take 2 hours of the worst behaviour over having it 24/7. You do need to put things in place to stop the escalation. Suddenly turning off a tv and then expecting a calm response is crazy when you are dealing with ADHD. Re-direct!! I am turning off the TV you were rude and you cannot use those words. Go to your room and think about what you have done. If you need to hold the door shut whilst they are kicking and screaming. Do it. Do not let them out or turn your back on them until they have calmed down. Once they are calm send them outside to jump on the trampoline or do something that expends their energy. No this will not always work. Trashed rooms can be picked up and reset you can even make them help you. But allowing them to cause you physical harm is not ok.
My child once threatened to break something of mine. So I told them to go ahead but if they did. I would take their favourite toy and chop it’s head off, and give it to the dog to tear apart. They know I’m serious. My belongings were safe, their toy was safe. My child knows that I will follow through every time. Except the times I threaten to sell them. No parent is perfect and we all have our good days and bad days.
If you are doing your best that’s all you can do, but I have to say this. Sometimes what the professionals suggest isn’t going to work with your child. Sometimes you need to change the strategy. I hope you do decide to change the strategy and help yourselves.
The fact your husband smashed your face in and broke your nose concerns me greatly. I wonder how long before he does that again? Regardless that you say you antagonised him, he broke your nose for fuck sake!!
I know someone personally in my family who had a black eye from her partner. A report was made to police, they went around there and saw the black eye, they checked over the couple's 3 kids, and because the kids were fine at that time and she didn't want to press charges there was nothing they could do. Her partner always bashed the kids too but they had no Mark's on them 'that day'. The police reported to child protection, child protection did an investigation and then closed the fucking case. That family in particular need those kids removed, but they still left the kids there, until one day one of them got a broken leg from being man handled . Child protection didn't even remove them even then.
In your case you are doing everything right. That department lacks crucial funding, they very rarely take people's kids off them,, even in a case where a child is clearly being abused, they rarely take kids, they just work with families instead. But I know it's a scary time for you. Your son isnt being abused, they absolutely will not take him, but I know you're worried thst they will.
They won't.
My son too has ADHD although his impulses are not as severe as your son's. It's a frustrating condition and can be life long. Others grow out of it. You are doing fantastic, and I just want to reassure you, no one is going to take your child off you. Child protection use that as an absolute last resort. In your case, it's not even remotely close to an option.
There is SO MUCH to unpack here....least of all your partner smashing your face 😳
I feel like there is a lot of denial or glossing over things in this post.
Like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders trying to keep everything together.
You have an aggressive husband and an aggressive child, who both think it’s okay to physically hurt you.
You aren’t superwoman, this thing is going to eventually blow.
Things escalate, they don’t go from no violence to a broken nose, you know pushing, shoving, hitting walls are all dv.
Name calling, controlling you, what you wear, where you go, even in subtle ways are all dv.
What happens behind close doors, will eventually come out.
I’m going to put it out there, your husband is a ticking time bomb and your childs ADHD is probably worse because of his environment.
There’s going to finally come a time where you can’t explain it away......
I worry for you xxxx
I’m going to read between the lines and I want to say to you, this isn’t your fault.
I’ve been there.....
Your husband has isolated you away from your support system, moving to the town next door.
Family problems probably mean your family wanted you to leave your abuser?
You husband acted a way at the hospital toward you that worried medical staff.
Your husband broke your nose and you blame yourself.
Your husband has been referred by a specialist for counselling about your son’s condition.
Your husband doesn’t believe in adhd.
Your child swears at you, monkey see, monkey do. At that age my son called me a poo poo head.
Your child doesn’t physically harm people outside the home, he has observed and learnt you can kick mum around verbally, possibly physically but we don’t do it out side.
Your psychologist does home visits.
You are twisting yourself like a pretzel, showing the world what a great mum you are, which by the way, you really freaking are, but because shit happens at home that shouldn’t, you’re trying to look like the picture perfect family.
You called the relationship toxic, how was this Fixed? Through counselling?
Your son is becoming his father.
He touched kids up at kindy and your first response was to worry how it looked from the outside, not if he was being sexually abused.
Does your husband act sexist around his kids, grab you disrespectfully?
He called EVeRYDAY when you were broken up, he was worried about losing control of you.
He got the beautiful house and was apologetic to lure you back.
How long before he became abusive again?
I’m not denying your son has adhd, but it’s pretty severe because I would say, this environment.
You had the strength to go to the police once, you left him, you can do it again.
Move back home, watch your son heal.
You deserve so much better xxxxx
☝️☝️☝️
You just articulated everything I couldn't quite work out how to say. Seems pretty spot on, too!
Stimulants were bad for my son too. He was angry all day every day for about 6 months with trials of different stimulants. Strattera was an improvement but not awesome but intuniv has worked well and he has continued to get better on it. A bad day now is 10 times better than his best day 18 months ago. I do suggest looking at whether anyone near you runs secret agent society programs though. It is excellent and will help your son and has a parent component too. My son has thrived from it.
Stop making excuses for your husband punching you in the face. Your kids will have issues if they are living in a house with a dv offender. Your downplaying it a lot. Police did their jobs. Stop blaming them for trying to protect you.
FOR ALL OF YOU READING ON THE FACEBOOK PAGE - MY HUSBAND BROKE MY NOSE 3 YEARS AGO. IT WAS AN EXTREMELY HEATED ARGUMENT AND IT ENDED IN THE WORST CASE SCINARIO. THIS HAPPENED THREE YEARS AGO. MY CHILD DID NOT WITNESS IT. CPS CAME AND INVESTIGATED AND CONCLUDED THAT NO ONE WAS AT RISK. THREE YEARS AGO THIS HAPPENED!!!!!!!!
Once is enough! What happens when your children witness it next time? Or if it’s them that end up with the broken nose?
Once is enough! What happens when your children witness it next time? Or if it’s them that end up with the broken nose?
He didn’t just break her nose, he also doesn’t believe in adhd, she also has to deal with her son because she knows he has a bad temper. She’s living on egg shells every day with her family, an angry son and an angry husband. This is a recipe for disaster, I have no doubts if she stays with him, as her son gets older, he’ll end up with a broken nose or worse.