It’s almost Christmas time and for the 5th Christmas in a row, he won’t get to wake up with his own children Christmas Day. He will get see them for 1 hour as per bio mums orders.
Fiancé sees his daughter (10) 4 times a year - his birthday, her birthday, father’s day, Easter and Christmas. Because that’s the only time mum will allow it. And only for 1 hour. When he does, it’s the happiest I see him. Daughter tells him how much she loves him and how she wants to work on coming to see him. By the next phone call it’s completely changed again.
Fiancé sees his son (13), every second weekend, and although I know myself, puberty is hitting, it feels like he is loosing him slowly to the poison he hears. He has melted down in the past to me saying he “just can’t hear anymore shit about dad anymore, but it doesn’t stop”. Fast forward a while and he seems to be a different child towards him, me, our child and my child.
Things are going through solicitors, we can’t afford court. So we are basically having to crumble and give in to her demands for custody, or it will never end. And even then, I don’t think a court order will be abided by.
Before people jump on the bandwagon that bio mum does the right thing. She doesn’t. I myself have a child who’s father CHOOSES not to see her, (literally moved across the country, changed phone numbers and has had no contact for 4 years), and I have a fiancé who is desperate to be apart of his kids lives, pays more child support than he has to, and is being slowly squashed out. Her responses to suggested custody proves this.
He saw his children. And was a fit enough parent to parent with while they were together, and when they weren’t and he lived with his parents after separation, but as soon as he moved on, he wasn’t allowed to see his kids for 6+ months until his son rang him in tears begging him to get him because he wanted to see his dad.
My fiancé said to me today, “well, now I know why they say male suicide is so high at Christmas time” (recently lost a friend who is as a dad in the same position last year to suicide).
I’m not trying to be a horrible person, but bio mum is, as described by her own friend, a toxic person.
Aside from supporting him and being there for him, how do I help my better half? I’m refusing to let him give in or up on his children. But I think he’s there. And I don’t blame him. We have a little baby together, and for as long as this has been going on, I’ve watched him slowly slip into a depression, due to all this. He has a job he loves, he has friends, he has family. He is the kind of person who “doesn’t want to bring anyone into this shit”.
I don’t know what to do anymore or how to help him. I really fear suicide is coming into his thoughts. I’m so sorry if this is rambled, I am just at a loss.
*edited to add*
Bio mum is highly highly manipulative. Although there are no court orders in place as yet, fiancé won’t do anything that is going to cause his kids to be put in a shit situation.
For example - about 2 years ago, we went camping for 4 days, sent her a text Friday as we left that we would be back Tuesday arvo, she said no he is to be back Sunday to which fiancé replied simply “you say the kids can choose what they want to do and he wants to come camping” (that was her big thing “they can choose what they want to do, if daughter doesn’t want to see you then I won’t make her that’s her choice) and she messaged their son (yes he had a phone and no neither me or fiancé agreed with it but that’s a whole other story) absolutely giving it to him about not being back “when he is meant to be back” to the point their son was in tears and didn’t want to come camping despite being so excited. We stuck to our guns because we weren’t living our life dictated by her and when we got back at drop off, we got completed verbally abused and then their son copped it.
And that’s just 1 example. Basically fiancé keeps the peace as best as he can for his kids sake because he was sick of them seeing fighting, hearing shit talking (which hasn’t ended), and getting hurt by her. Which in turn is causing him to loose them slowly. If he stands up and put his foot down, world war 3 starts, kids end up in tears and she gets her way anyway. I’m 99.9% certain both children are terrified of her. She can’t handle loosing control and when she does, dear lord, everyone look out.
She has already gotten a big chunk out of his super as well as over a $100k more than him in a settlement, which hasn’t been officially settled yet, it is the only leverage he has to get some custody sorted, she wants $$ now
This anger and bitterness from bio mum has been going on for 4 years now, fiancé isn’t going to continue to allow his kids to constantly see the bullshit, he walks away. We’ve ended up in the police station with her going absolutely mental after physically assaulting him (and my child), and the cops couldn’t do a thing because there was no court orders - even though we are trying our arses off to get one.
People saying dad needs to grow a spine and make things uncomfortable needs to realise that’s what he was doing for the first 2 years and his kids were constantly in tears begging the shit to stop. After the police incident where we actually have the report that states “x was out of control”, fiancé said his kids will never be put in that situation again and he has walked away from every fight she has tried to start.
7 Replies
When a new baby comes into the mix of things some bio mothers get jealous and make the bio kids assume they’re not as wanted, which is sad. If they were married at all and are divorced now it is part of a divorce order that the parents agree on what the arrangements with the kids are moving forward.
If not and you can’t afford court and there’s no orders then there’s nothing stopping him from having them as long as he likes whether she approves it or not! It’s important to keep a diary of his visits with them and what’s being said by the kids with dates and times. Keeping records is vital. In the instance you can’t afford court he can dig into his superannuation to pay for court fees, and have his lawyer get her to reimburse him based on her noncompliance to the normal visitation rights he should have rightfully which is every second weekend!
He should stop paying her more than he should! This will impact your household and keep her thinking she’s got him over a barrel! Mediation should also be sought ASAP as no court will accept an application unless mediation hasn’t worked. Mediation can get a written agreement and have it made into a court order without having to go to court. She has to come up with a lot of dirt on him for the court to not rule in his favour! He’s entitled to his visitation and he shouldn’t have too but needs to fight for it! Secondly I’d get him to see a Counsellor. It’d probably be in his favour too get his mind right for your sake as well. Once the kids are over the age of 12 they can choose to see him or not and nobody can stop them even their mother. She’s obviously very toxic and has you both by the balls! Take action, stop allowing this behaviour otherwise he very well could slip into depression!
Fiancé doesn’t like or want to cause too much drama because he doesn’t like or want to put his kids in a shitty position/ hear fighting / hear anymore bitching from bio mum.
Basically he’s trying to keep the peace for his kids sake and bio mum is using that to her advantage and his kids as pawns.
I keep a log of everything that happens.
I keep saying to him, if she doesn’t want to be reasonable, let’s go camping for 4 days on holidays and he won’t do it. We tried that once before and his poor son copped an absolute earful on pick up he was in tears before they left the car park. Fiancé won’t put either of his kids in a position where they will cop shit.
Bio mum is highly highly manipulative.
Just get son to stick his phone is aeroplane mode or turn it off if he doesn’t want to cop the abuse from his mother. Also 13 year old son can say he doesn’t want to return if there are no court orders he can just stay with dad. He’s old enough to catch public transport etc and give mum the middle finger if that’s what he wants to do. But dad keeps sending him back knowing son doesn’t want to be with mum. How about instead of paying “more” than what he should he saves up the more. Dad needs to grow a spine. He won’t be hurting the kids if he does this he’ll be saving them. He’s just making woe is me excuses because he doesn’t want to put the effort in. If he really wanted to see them and see them happy with the ability to smirk in mums face and stick it to her he damn well would instead of finding all the reasons not to see them. I’ve put all the effort into raising my children, dad apparently wants to see them more but dad doesnt put in the effort even though I don’t stop him for a second seeing them when he comes to town. But my philosopy is if you have one you have them all at the same time. You don’t get to pick and choose who you see or spend time with just because one is more difficult than the other. If dad wants to see them more dad needs to put in the effort and make it a little uncomfortable just for a bit.
Son wants to go back to mum because “it isn’t worth the shit I’ll cop” in sons exact words.
I can assure you, dad is doing everything he can, rings every night, asks every time he is meant to have daughter if she wants to come, has son longer when son has the shits up with mum but it’s only ever an extra day.
I’m not sure what your talking about in terms of paying because he is already paying more than he’s meant to to help raise his kids?
Just encourage him to keep calling regularly, never miss a visit. Be truely engaged with the kids, never ever bad mouth the other parent. Be involved in anyway you can - volunteer at their school, canteen, sport, be there at the end of the school day with an ice block. Anything so those kids know they are his most important thing. Even if custody doesn’t change. They will remember. Xo
I've been in his position but as a mother. It is the worst feeling in the world to be shut out of your own children's lives due to brainwashing. Even abusive parents have more rights than an alienated parent! I wanted to die so badly I started to resent the children that were in my care because they were keeping me alive. I don't even know what advice I have because it's so tough. Just get him to keep reassuring his kids he loves them, send them photos etc all the time and if that's not possible start up a secret Facebook group to share photos and memories with them. Connect him with alienation groups, it is a bit easier to deal with when you can see other people going through the same thing. Keep an eye on him, play the ex very carefully but also know the law and don't let her have too much of a say in what goes on if you can help it. Christmas is a shit of a time for alienated parents x
He needs to stand up, get some legal advice and sort it out, it's do the that or give up on his kids.
Stop paying the extra child support, pay the required amount only and use the extra to go towards getting himself into mediation and then family law court.
It's all excuses until he actually takes action to change the situation, he is not doing right by his children by setting this example.