So I experienced something interesting today.
I was in the supermarket, going about my boring ass business.
I noticed a dad waiting to be served with a couple of restless, on the verge of a meltdown toddlers in tow.
It warmed my heart to see many people give him a reassuring "you're doing a good job" grin, much praise about being a hands on dad and general offers of assistance (a helpful check out person even opened a closed lane so he could get out of there faster).
Probably around 20 minutes later, I was in another store. I noticed a mum with a fresh little baby strapped to her chest, couldn't have been more than a week old and another baby/toddler in the stroller. Both kids were losing it, i gave her my best "we've all been there" sympathetic smile and i do hope she felt my sincerity, particularly with what she endured next...
Audible sighs and groans of annoyance, snide (and again, audible) comments;
"Pfft.. why do these women have babies so close together when they clearly can't cope with them" and "ugh...just take the kid home, like we wanna hear it" jist to name a few.
And that's without even mentioning the eyerolls amd dirty looks people were throwing her way!!
Now, I know these were two different scenarios, different people, different settings and this is all quite anecdotal but it got me thinking...
Why is it that (generally speaking of course) dads get absolutely fawned over for doing stuff every parent should do but mums are at best unacknowledged or at worst horrifically scrutinised?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying dads dont deserve any praise, they're just as important as mums but when did you last hear
"oh, you're such a hands on mum".
"Your husband is so lucky that you change nappies".
"I bet your husband really appreciates it when you mind the baby so he can do some housework".
Honestly, I know I've been guilty of this myself, actually i think women in general are guilty of this.
A dad at our school forgot to get his kid's shoes on before they hopped out of the car once, we all had a bit of a chuckle and it was overall seen as an endearing mistake. I thought about it later, if a mum had done that she'd have been crucified (and i actually have seen mums be judged and gossiped about for things as silly as forgetting to pack a jumper/sent kid in wrong uniform/lost a library book).
I dunno, if you take anything away from this post just let it be this:
Mums deserve and need patience, kindness, understanding, acceptance, praise, ackowledgement, empathy, guidance and encouragement!!!
If we can give all these things to dads, we can give them to mums. God knows we're hard enough on ourselves, we don't need to feel like the whole world is on our case as well!!
13 Replies
I think general the reason men get this kind of praise because there have been generations of sexist men who haven’t done any of these things!! I think that will change as our expectations of men change, but it’s a slow process!
Your right though women in general crucify and judge other mothers. Having had my son start school this year I can’t believe the judge snide comments and the things people bring up to you!
I don't really agree with this. My son has a disability and can lose it (disability isn't visually obvious) and as a general rule, I have had support from people I know and strangers when I've been overwhelmed. And I leave work on time instead of late 2 days per week so that the after hours allied health appointments / extra curricular activities aren't entirely managed by him so he does get time to mow the lawn/service the cars/do renovations and my (predominantly female) colleagues all comment that it's great I don't leave it all to him because he's finishes work earlier than me and that I realise that the fact he starts work at 4.30am means that he really is exhausted. We're both management... Him in a trade and me as a health professional and frankly, I think I get more recognition. I even get recognition from the company he works for and the managers of the building companies they have contracts with at networking events where they applaud me for taking about 60% of the carer's leave we need for when the kids are sick. But frankly, that's because a) my carers leave is paid but his isn't and b) if the kids wake up sick, he's already been at work for hours so there isn't a choice.
I'm thinking that the people at the second shop were just not as nice/understanding as the people at the first.
Yeah nah. Just because you don’t see it/experience it, doesn’t make it so.
This used to annoy me when my kids were little too, not so much from other people but from my ex. He literally referred to looking after his kids as 'babysitting'. It was always a choice for him too, I would have to ask him if I can go to the shop without kids and he would say yes or no, or 'take the baby with you' because God forbid he would have to actually do anything physical while "babysitting". He would help clean up once in a blue moon and I would hear all about it and his Mum would be sure to tell me how lucky I am that I have a partner that helps. Society is slowly getting better and I hope one day seeing a Dad at the shop with kids is just as normal as seeing as a Mum at the shop with kids.
Haha... I am out every Thursday night.. I remind hubby he's baby sitting. I'm away for a weekend soon and he asked if he could go for a motorbike ride on the Saturday... I reminded him he was baby sitting because I'm away. He's away a about 2 weeks after that and I got invited to something then through him and he asked if I could bring the kids because he would be away so I was baby sitting. I think it's just a term that gets used loosely to mean that you are responsible for the kids on your own on that day
Yeah no, he definitely considered it my job to look after the kids and he was babysitting if he looked after them! He actually rarely had them, more often than not would say no. I had never gone out socially by myself while in a relationship with him, weekends away was never going to happen. Even for the last year of our relationship that I was working I could only use daycare for the kids even if he was home, that's what eventually made me end it because I was doing it all myself anyway.
Just say you’re on duty then. Baby sitting implies something all together different in the context of men all too often having to be asked to baby sit their own fucking kids.
Makes me furious! It’s improved a bit but still a long way to go.
When my son was little (about 20 years ago) there was actually a news story about a man raising his children alone. They actually interviewed government authorities, who explained he got extra help in the form of respite care because a single dad couldn’t be expected to raise his kids without help 😡. Meanwhile I could think of 6 female friends who were raising kids with zero help, but because they were women it was expected they do it alone.
I’m over it. I’m over people who think men need to be taught to do things and need to cheered because they did what they should be doing.
I remember on one of those shows like ACA or TT they did a story about a woman who left her kids and husband and went to live with her new bf and refused to pay Cs while living it up .... like that hasn't happened to a million women before that with husbands that just get up and go.
Literally though as a working mum, I get this too - oh you do so well to juggle family and work. You're a supermum. Well done. Then my hubby gets no recognition for doing the exact same thing. It's just the way people are.
Patriarchy. Sexism. Mysoginism. All the ism’s ☺️
Come on ladies. Let’s support each other and stand up for equality. Be independent, and stop doing all the fucking domestic duties, all the parenting and all the emotional labour for everyone in your household.
It annoys me when I see this. My hubby was told how amazing he was for dadding.
I work with children and drives me insane when people carry on about dad's doing what any parent should. Or the whole it's okay he forgot formula as he is a poor dad but mum forgets and you can almost see their eyes leave their sockets as they roll back.
I hear you .
I think
You’d really appreciate the humour in a page called “man who has it all “ 😊