My husband and I separated last year and have had a pretty loose shared custody arrangement for our 3 kids ( 14,13,10) thus far but it’s no longer working for us so I want something more structured. My number one concern is his alcohol abuse. By all standards it appears to be less than when we were together however him drinking is a massive trigger for one of our kids and when he’s drinking he bad mouths me which is detrimental to all of them. I have tried speaking to him calmly and carefully about it while he has the kids in his care but he is defensive and rude and I end up caving because I fought with him about for 7 years already.
My question is does anyone have advice for how I should go about this? Affordable options if possible. I don’t want to take his kids away or even restrict their time with him- they’re his kids, he deserves to be involved in their life - but I do need to know they are safe when they are with him. Thanks in advance
Shared custody with alcoholic
Shared custody with alcoholic
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
9 Replies
How are they unsafe? How is his drinking a trigger for a child? You can get not bad mouthing each other put in a parenting agreement but I doubt you can stop him from doing something legal. If he's violent when drinking then you could restrict access due to the violence?
I have been in a similar position.It is not a healthy environment for children no matter their ages.And he should not be drinking in front of the kids or while they are in his care.
I would suggest contacting legal aid to get help with legal advice first and foremost.You may need to put court orders in place in terms of visitations etc.Legal aid can guide you with this.
My ex husband is an alcoholic and despite multiple attempts at helping him,he just won’t seek the help he needs and stick to it.I know any addictions are hard but your children’s father also needs to take steps to obtain help with his drinking if not already.And if he won’t,I would not let the children stay overnight with him at least until he cleaned his act up.I don’t with my ex and also don’t let our kids near him if he is under the effects of drinking even if he has had one drink.His mood could change at the drop of a hat even from one drink.
I wish you all the best mumma as it’s a tough place to be in and I hope things settle down for yourself and your children.
I’d start with organising mediation. It’s relatively cheap and non confrontational. They often have suggestions in regards to what might work.
I’m confused, how are they unsafe? Him bagging you out isn’t nice but it doesn’t put them in an unsafe situation.
Are you all serious? Alcohol abuse with a parent who can't handle alcohol is obviously unsafe. What kid wants to be exposed to verbal tirades against their mother? Kids should never be in the middle. If he's capable of that, what's to say he's not capable of verbally abusing or worse towards the kids? The OP is already saying its a trigger for one of her kids. Not to mention the risk that he would do something stupid like drink drive and that the kids are teens/preteens.....vulnerable age in which they need good examples!
Sick of people diminishing and minimising alcohol and drug problems and addictions.
We're just asking for more information. Frankly, I don't know any divorced parents who don't say things against the other parent, alcohol or no alcohol. Is it appropriate? No. But it doesn't make them unsafe. So we're asking for more information. Does he drive them when drunk? Is he abusive? Does he fail to feed them? Fail to look after their health needs? Hubby and I both drank last night. Our kids were safe, happy and loved at the same time.
If they have to hear their father bad mouth their mother whilst under the influence it is unsafe.
OP here... he’s not violent drunk or sober but he has certainly been emotionally abusive to myself continuously and occasionally to the children. He has no recollection of it though and of course I’m “just making stuff up”. My concern about safety is that when he’s been drinking he can’t be woken up. He is practically unconscious and it is nearly impossible to wake him. So yes, i worry about what would happen in an emergency. I pick up the kids from his place because he’s always been drinking by then and he rarely takes them out but if he does it’s always mid morning before he’s had anything so I’m not overly worried about hiM driving drunk with them. And they know not to refuse to get in the car if he has been.
Talk to your kids to get their input, and then seek mediation to develop a parenting plan. If you’re concerned about the mediation process itself you can have closed door sessions with your ex in a different room to yourself. This is usually the first step, and then if the plan can’t be followed the next one is applying to the court for consent orders. Parenting plans are not legally enforceable whereas consent orders are. If there are concerns for the kids’ physical and emotional wellbeing through abuse and neglect though you can apply for court orders without the parenting plan.
That said, I’m not sure what exactly you’re seeking? You don’t want to restrict his time, and want to know the kids are safe. His behaviour is the one thing you can’t change, and, from past experience, court orders and parenting plans aren’t going to solve this.
Perhaps an alternative way to tackle this would be to set up an action plan with the older kids so they can identify exactly when they’re safe or not, and the steps to take to make themselves and their younger sibling safe, and get an adult to remove them from the situation if needed.