My son is 15 years old and his bio dad has suddenly reappeared in a message to me asking can he see his son . He wasn't ready to be a father 15 years ago because his dad and girlfriend 'wont like it'. And he never told them he had a son . So he wiped my son off . We were never in a relationship, it was a one night stand.
Fast forward 15 years , he has a wife and he said she has encouraged him to get in touch on behalf of Master 15. Bio man has also since told his dad he has a 15 year old and his dad is all good with it .
I feel like hes only reaching out because his dad has accepted it and his wife tells him to? Before this , he was never interested. He has also never paid a single white cent of child support. Ever .
I've been married for 14 years and my husband has been my sons dad since he was 6 months old . My son calls him dad and has known no other . He is aware he has a bio dad , we had told him when he was 9 .
I have told him bio dad is wanting to see him . He is confused but curious. He also said he doesn't want to upset dad by agreeing to seeing his bio dad and is basing his decision on the upset my husband will endure . Hes a good kid and is concerned it will hurt my husband ( the man he calls dad ) . And it will , but hes come to that conclusion on his own . My husband is the one who's provided since my child was 6 months old when the other man never once did a thing .
My dilemma is , what I do from here ? I feel bio dad is only asking because he has permission from his wife and dad to do it . But on the other side of the coin , it's going to kill my husband once I bring it up. And Master 15 year old asked me to make the decision for him . He's hesitant but curious. He said If it hurts dad too much he will wait till hes 18 . He feels like seeing bio dad is a betrayal to his now dad . I feel like the decision is too big for him , but yet I feel like at 15 he is old enough . He loves his dad ( my husband) so much and they are so close , as tight as a knot , and bless his soul, but he's annoyed bio dad has reappeared but curious , yet hurt for his main dad .
Is this too much for a 15 year old? Should we wait till hes 18?
( my son and I haven't said anything yet to my husband, we will , but we both know what his reaction will be .)
17 Replies
15 year old needs to make the choice for himself without feeling guilty or responsible for someone else's feelings. Your husband needs to be reassured that he is Dad and always will be, nothing can change that now. This is going to be a difficult time for your son and he needs to put his feelings first. He is the one that will be affected by this, nobody else. If he's keen but confused, why not get them to start with chatting on messenger, that might help him decide if he wants to meet in person.
Your son needs to make this decision himself and should be free to make the decision without having to take into account any one else’s feelings. It’s hard being the non bio that’s stepped up, but he needs to suck it up in this case and keep his hurt away from your son. Just like an adoptive parent or even a foster parent has to.
It’s totally normal for your son to be curious and interested in meeting his father. Trying to stop it will most likely back fire anyway. He is old enough to make his decision himself now.
Your son needs to make the choice and you and your husband need to support his choice, whatever that may be. Your husband needs to put his hurt aside for your son’s sake. Your husband getting visibly upset is actually really selfish and immature to be honest. This isn’t about your husband and realistically he chose to step in and be the father figure, no one forced him to do it including your son. He he needs to put himself in your son’s shoes, none of what happened in the past or what’s happening now is your son’s fault and he needs love and support, not guilt and feeling responsible for a grown adult’s feelings.
I agree with the above posters but I also think you need to stop worrying about bio Dads reasons for getting in touch. There is probably lots of reasons he is doing it that he hasn't explained to you. My father was this Dad (I have a half sister) and my mother and myself encouraged him to make contact and while he now communicates with his other daughter initially there was a lot of embarrassment that he hadn't done so earlier (different situations however - he was in a relationship with her mum and was then denied access after they split), resentment towards her mother, location, work, new family etc. Regardless of the reasons though it is only fair that your son has the opportunity to make this decision on his own without fear of it upsetting anyone especially his Mum and Dad.
Meeting his biological father will never undermine 15 years of love. Your husband, if he's not psychologically unwell or lacking insight, will know that once initial emotions settle. Let your son decide what he wants, nit what he thinks others want. And whether it is now or in 3 years will make no difference. Oh... And make a child support application now you have his contact details and he is saying he wants to know his son.
My only other thought is.... This man's wife wouldn't be encouraging him to reach out if he didn't actually want to. If he wanted nothing to do with your son, he wouldn't have told her about him in the first place. Perhaps he was young and dumb when he made his original decision and when realisation set in, he felt trapped and like he had no right to a relationship. This could be a great thing.
He wasnt young and dumb , he was 30 yrs old when my son was born. And he always said even from the beginning , and again 15 years on that he couldn't tell those close to him that he had a son , so I feel hes only doing what they want him to do . He was afraid they'd disown him if they found out and so he didnt tell them when he was born. He also ran off and stayed away . and now that all along they were actually fine with it . And his wife encouraging contact is fine , but I feel hes only doing it because they are all OK with it . If they weren't, he still wouldn't have made contact so Its because of them telling him he should be been in his life , that he is now trying . I dont feel hes doing it because its genuinely from him , I feel hes trying to please his family. If he wanted to in the beginning, he would have , and he would have paid child support but from the moment he knew I was pregnant he vowled he'd never ever pay it . And he didnt .
Also bear I'm mind how this could impact my 15 yo if it all goes wrong, my son could be dumped again by him . Kids are curious , of course he would want to possibly meet him ( irrespective of what my husband thinks ). My dad walked away when I was 3 and returned partially when I was 21 and I've been traumatised ever since , never providing for my upbringing , I dont want my son to be affected the same way , its soul crushing. He may not , but he may . And then it's me who picks up the pieces. Again. These risks to my son are real and potentially life long damaging . There are many factors . These decisions are too big for children even at 15 . So I will be going over the pro's and con's with my child as its important he needs to hear worst case scenario and best case . Just so he's prepared to deal with his own choice to see him ( if he still wants to ) if it doesnt go to plan .
Your son is in an extremely emotional situation, you show him that his feelings come first, above all others and you will both support him through this difficult time. The last thing he should be thinking about is others and by keeping it a secret from your husband, you are teaching him that his feelings aren’t as important as your husbands in this matter. Time to step up and be a rock for your son and provide his with lots of support to meet his dad. It doesn’t matter what your exes reasons are, I don’t even see how that is relevant, please just focus on your son, not the ex, not your husband, he’s the one who needs you.
Your boy sounds like a kind soul, many 15 year olds don't have the self awareness to understand or empathise with other people's feelings at all. Whilst that is a beautiful thing, i agree with everyone else in that he needs to be able to make this decision based on mothing more than what he feels like he needs to do.
I also can understand how your husband will feel. Imagine putting in the love and care for 15 years only for bio dad to roll in like a white knight - that shit would be infuriating, but his love for his son needs to outshine that frustration now.
So, I'd sit down and have a chat with hubby, alone. Lay everything out on the table, give him a chance to process, vent or be angry if he needs to. Then discuss how to move forward!
I'd try explaining to hubby that the more supportive he is (what ever way Mr 15 decides to go), the more that's going to solidify and strengthen the father son bond/relationship he has with Mr 15.
Also agree with the above again lol. Don't try amd make sense of Bio Dad's motives or reasoning, you'll give yourself an aneurysm trying to figure out why some men do what they do 😂
Well said :)
Let him meet him and make the decision for himself, he has a right. People change and his father deserves a chance. Don’t lost anymore time with his dad. It might just do him a world of good.
I'd be a complete bitch and tell him once he's paid 15 years of back owed child support you'll then talk to your son about potentially meeting. Screw him!!!
Love this !!! I agree !
I'd suggest meeting him as a family with your son having both you and your hubby as support. 15yrs is a long time but it's better late then never. It's important to have an open mind by focusing on what your son may be able to gain from this.
I've had the following conversation with my 40yo partner when his dad recently contacted him after 15 years of no contact due to his new wife encouraging it. (He left when my partner was a teenager and has not been a dad for a long time.
"Don't see him as a father, meet up with him on neutral ground as an uncle figure. He lost the right to be 'dad' a long time ago. Have a coffee with him and decide your movements from there. If its something you wish to pursue we can consider the options later and if not then you wont regret not trying you will at least know you gave him a chance."
They met up last weekend. Mutual ground away from our house, our children and his workplace (he works in hospitality locally). He was prepared to confront his father on all the issues and put the ball in his fathers court as to whether he wished to make future contact and begin buiding a relationship but knowing it would never be a father/son relationship but more a distant relative relationship and if his father continued contact then we would decide whether we spoke to the kids about their grandfather and whether he would ever meet them. He was also prepared to let things be and have this as the chance to say goodbye to his father. It was uncomfortable and when he said goodbye he knew it would be for the last time. However he now has closure and can stop wondering when it will pop up.
I suggest a similar approach with your son. Mutual ground, with or without you (either with him or at another table closeby) whichever your son is more comfortable with and whether your husband is there or not (his father has no need at this point to meet anyone else in his life unless this is going to continue).
Your son can then decide what information to share and whether or not he wishes to pursue a relationship. I would also then leave the ball in bio father's court as to whether he bothers to make further contact and take it from there.
Meanwhile your son can assure your husband that he will always be dad no matter what happens and tell him how much he appreciates everything he has done and that this man will never take his place but be more of an uncle figure.
Please discuss with your son the possibility that his bio father may make contact now and not pursue anything further or be sporadic about it. Or that he may genuinely be ready to continue contact however your son has the right to choose how much when and where and the level of involvement and if he doesn't want it he can say so.
If your son remains open and honest with your husband I'm sure he will accept it in time and at least it won't be hanging over your heads as a what if one day he turns up.
Good luck
You need to remind your son that is absolutely not a betrayal to speak to one of his parents. He has another parent, he has always existed, he has always been his biological father, and his current Dad has always known about it and has parented him regardless. I doubt it was conditional on that the child never speak to his bio father? It sux a bit for hubby to have this guy resurface, but it’s part of the territory of taking on a kid who is not biologically yours.
It sounds like your kid has already decided he would like to, he just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He has clearly said he will as soon as he turns 18 if now is going to cause problems. Don’t cause problems. If something happens to bio dad in the next three years and your son doesn’t get to meet him, it’ll be a hole left in his life / identity, a hole you and your hubby created.
I would encourage him to make contact. At least once. I would spend your energy supporting that, reassure hubby that history matters, that your life raising him can’t be erased, and that he will always be his Dad. Then get your hubby on board supporting your son. However difficult this is for hubby, it’s harder for your son, this will undoubtably throw up some tough emotions and he will need his Dad. Remind hubby of that.
Good luck
You need to remind your son that is absolutely not a betrayal to speak to one of his parents. He has another parent, he has always existed, he has always been his biological father, and his current Dad has always known about it and has parented him regardless. I doubt it was conditional on that the child never speak to his bio father? It sux a bit for hubby to have this guy resurface, but it’s part of the territory of taking on a kid who is not biologically yours.
It sounds like your kid has already decided he would like to, he just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He has clearly said he will as soon as he turns 18 if now is going to cause problems. Don’t cause problems. If something happens to bio dad in the next three years and your son doesn’t get to meet him, it’ll be a hole left in his life / identity, a hole you and your hubby created.
I would encourage him to make contact. At least once. I would spend your energy supporting that, reassure hubby that history matters, that your life raising him can’t be erased, and that he will always be his Dad. Then get your hubby on board supporting your son. However difficult this is for hubby, it’s harder for your son, this will undoubtably throw up some tough emotions and he will need his Dad. Remind hubby of that.
Good luck
Sons choice. My husband said no to ever meeting his mum(mum abandoned him) or any other children she bore. That was near a decade and he hasn't changed his mind at all. He loves and cares only for the people he spent his life knowing. The other children craved a meeting so really it should be HIS choice.