Are gut instincts usually right?
My husband and I have been married a long time, 3 kids in school, and I’m currently unwell, physically and struggling a bit emotionally
I met a mum at school, she was lovely.... well seemed it, also married, new to the area, we chatted a fair bit, kids the same age etc.... then her and my hubby met up, started playing social sport on the same team, and she’s completely changed towards me, she will not say a word to me unless he’s around, I’ll send her a message to ask a question, she’ll message him with the answer
She messages him all day every day, just ‘chatting’ my gut is actually screaming at me not to trust her, I’ve told hubby I do not like her, she’s rude to me if he’s not around, and it annoys me that they’re messaging all the time, he doesn’t understand why I don’t like her, I’ve explained why, I’ve explained that i find her fake and rude etc and that I don’t trust her.....
This is where I’m annoyed..... he now no longer tells me about their chatting all day, last night even mentioned a message but kind of brushed it off as it was to her AND her husband..... I know it wasn’t because his messenger is logged in on the iPad, so I do believe he knows I’d be angry if I knew..... I also know I probably shouldn’t have looked, but my gut is telling me there is /will end up being more going on, and I don’t know if I’m being silly, but if my husband came to me and said that one of my friends was disrespectful towards him I’d distance myself, I’d not be inviting them out for dinners with our family, and trying to organise weekend activities with them!!!
Need to add too, that in general I have NO issue with him having female friends, he has a lot, some that he rings during the day, texts, catches up with etc.... but this one in particular is making me feel absolutely sick to my stomach
27 Replies
Yeah that's bullshit, but thats her game to play. The issue you have is your husband ignoring you and clear issues and letting someone else first and cause issues in his marriage.
Look, if it's making you uncomfortable then yes a line is being crossed. But honestly, if I was to message one of my husband's male friends I am pretty sure they'd reply to him rather than me (and actually have in the past when I was chasing them up for wedding RSVPs). Is there a reason you're messaging her? She might think you're trying to get in the way of a friendship.
He should absolutely take your feelings into account and maybe have some ground rules/boundaries like complete transparency and you have access to accounts if you're feeling that insecure.
We were actually friends before he met her, called each other, texted etc, I texted her the other night because he asked me to, to let her know we were going out for dinner and ask if they were coming so I could book.... she read my message and texted him, I then saw her as kids’ sports, said hi, nothing more, she completely ignored me, then hubby wandered in and her fake smile comes out and she couldn’t be nicer to me, we have dinner with them weekly.... much to my disgust, but I’ve given in to that one, hubby was late she sat at the table completely ignoring me, her husband is lovely and chatted, then once my hubby walked she’s all lovely and chirpy to me again
Why wouldn't they message you back? I find it strange to not message the person that sent you the message.
I probably wouldn’t message my husband’s friends back realistically .. depends what the context was and what about but it would depend. Social anxiety, anxiety in general
She is definitely after him. If he can't see it then he's blind. I would ask for a stop to the messaging all day, that isn't needed. I always compare it to friendships with the same sex, does he do that with his guy mates? No? Then it's probably inappropriate.
Your gut instinct is probably spot on.
Stop going out for dinners and activities, then maybe hubby will see that you really are sick of the way she treats you and he can sit there with just him and their family. If he wants to keep associating with her then he can do it on his own and not assume you're all good buddies.
I don't think gut instincts are always right, but it's worth being aware of them. Your husband should also acknowledge your feelings, that said, if he says there is nothing untoward and you trust him, I don't think you can stipulate no contact either. Take a step back and reevaluate in a bit
It’s not a case of no contact, we have a lot of friends of both sexes, we go away on holidays with them regularly, we spend a lot of time together, I have no issue with him contacting women on his own, ringing, texting, whatever, he’ll even catch up for a coffee with them, I’m fine with that.... it’s THIS one person I’m not fine with ... and I honestly think he’s a bit naive of he can’t see the flirtatious tones of her messages, and it’s literally all day every day, Christ they were still message last night when we were in bed!!!
I’d be bailing on the weekly dinners.
It’s kind of awkward, we started going every Monday night, our family, they started coming too then this shit started, if I stop going our kids miss out on going out for dinner
It's not awkward to bail on people who are affecting your happiness like this. Surely it's more awkward to go and keep this thing going?
Why do your kids have to miss out on going out for dinner if you bail out. Can't you and your kids go out by yourselves somewhere else for dinner on the same night or even a different night so that way you and your kids are still getting that one night a week treat of going out to dinner.
It was kind of our family ‘thing’ to go out at a certain place once a week
If it's a real issue, that's a no brainer. Kids going somewhere else for a while is a non-issue.
I’m actually shocked that your husband doesn’t mind being friends with somebody that openly treats you like shit?
Oh she’s a bloody delight when he’s around! Couldn’t be nicer
I’m just so disappointed that I’ve told him what she’s like, he says she’s speaks fine to you.... yes when you’re there!! I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable with her, around her, and I have pulled him up on the constant messaging.... but he doesn’t see an issue, I think my issue is, if he came to me and told me one of my friends was rude/nasty to him, if he said to me that a situation was uncomfortable then I’d put a stop to it!!
Okay so I read this out to my husband last night to get a males point of view, his response was -
Why is he so close to his wife’s friend in the first place?
Why would he not believe his wife when she tells him she is rude ect when he isn’t around?
Why is he spending all day texting another women 🧐 (he thinks definitely sus)
What does HER husband think about all the texting ect
He thinks if something hasn’t already happened between the two of them then it is only a matter of time. Men like to play the whole “I didn’t know she was hitting on me” apparently this is a lie, they know, they just can’t be bothered turning them down so they pretend it isn’t happening. But in this case he most definitely knows and enjoys the ego rub
I actually don’t think her husband knows the extent though by his body language last night I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s uneasy too
But a lot of the time she’ll be texting my hubby when hers is in another room watching something else, whilst my hubby is also watching something else, but again it can be literally all evening backwards and forwards messaging
Yep my hubby agreed with this too!
Absolutely agree 🙌 it’s pretty shit form really..
Yep That's your issue and that's the source of your discomfort as well.
There's a few really simple ways to approach it as a team but it has to come from him. Firstly, full transparency. Secondly, putting her in her place by sending the message that your marriage is tight. Add you into the conversation for some reason - easy as she replies to you to him so he can just add you in, or he really only needs to drop in an 'its jill typing for jack as he's just cooking dinner and asked me to reply and say xyz'. Thirdly, cooling it with the daily messaging, stop the dinners and pull it back a little for a while until you all have reestablished balance.
You know what, if he doesn't believe your interactions with her when he isn't there, film it or record it which you can do in a slight manner.
To be honest I wouldn't have put up with this for so long, and is say your gut instinct about her is right on the money, but also your husband's behaviour and attitudes toward you and your feelings are really concerning. I don't think he is having an affair but he is blatantly ignoring you and that is cause for concern- you need to remove this toxic woman from your lives so I'd be giving him an ultimatum and you need to stick with it, you give more than an inch and they both will run a mile
I would text her and say back off and after your own grass if you keep this crap up I'll tell your hubby , tell her to get out of your life do not even tell her she is causing dramas loose that situation before you do have one as for hunny I would be telling him to man up and respect you and not to be texting her as it is effecting you end of fight for your man If you but tell her to just move on to another man single preffebly if she is so attention starved what a wagon she sounds like trouble, sounds like she has issues
Ok so your hubby needs to be on board with YOU his wife. This is what we did.
Every time the female would text or call my husband he’d tell me and I’d reply not my hubby. If she cane over to our house and started just talking to my husband he’d excuse himself and leave. She soon got the picture it wasn’t ok.
My hubby didn’t entertain her attempts.
Keep that messenger logged in love.. if it hasn’t happened ohhh it will..! Get snooping and bust their asses! They are upto something. Take note of when he goes out longer or sick days if you aren’t there. I wouldn’t trust either of them!